Tuesday, April 30, 2013

my response to "anonymous dad"

Dear Anonymous Man Behind This Blog Post:

Where do I even begin? It would be easy for me to get angry at you for giving infertility a bad rep, but I feel like this is too simple. Getting angry because you sought infertility treatment and then slapped everyone in the face who has ever wanted children and couldn't have them with your words is just an easy out for me. I could also be angry with you because you're a bad parent. You not only lament over the fact that your son is, in so many words, a whiner who still wakes up at night, you call him the "free one." That's lovely. Do you say this to his face? Then, there is the fact that you're a horrible future parent, as well. Wishing one of your sons would have a birth defect so that you could terminate? Getting upset because you will have three boys and no girls?

Honestly, I could go on for days about the obvious reasons that make me angry with your words, but I think what might make me most angry is your ego. You are, quite possibly, the most selfish person I've ever come across. I have never met you and I have no clue who you are, so this is saying a lot. How do I know you're selfish? For starters, you seem to put this on your wife. "Your wife" is pregnant. "Your wife" is expecting twins. It takes two to tango - even if it involves a specimen cup in between. You both made this decision together. You chose to spend the money and undergo IVF, even understanding that twins were a possibility. Your wife didn't do this alone.

You compare yourself to a cancer patient with months to live, when in fact you have a beautiful life ahead of you. As someone who has struggled with infertility, you of all people should know this. Infertility is what's supposed to feel like a death sentence - not being blessed with twins. No, parenting isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it sure beats the hell out of wanting to become a parent and being unable to. Feel lucky, and understand that there are thousands of other couples who would kill to be in your shoes.

You imply that your health comes before your child's. It makes me question the reason you became a parent in the first place, if you are willing to put yourself before your own son. It makes me wonder what kind of environment these boys will grow up in, where their parents don't truly appreciate them and where their mom and dad have, in a sense, publicly stated that they aren't happy with parenthood. No wonder you chose not to publish your real name on the byline. You not only knew that you would catch hell for your words, but perhaps you didn't want your children to someday come to realize what kind of person you truly are: a coward.

And then there is this line: "Sure, in 10 years I could have close to a starting five of super-athletic, NBA-hopeful alpha males living under my roof smelling up the joint." Regardless of whether your boys grow up to be star athletes or construction workers, you should love and appreciate their existence just the same. Appreciate not only that you will have children when others can't, but that they are healthy when so many of us have children who deal with illness and disability. That the universe has given you lives to raise and put out into society (God help us).

So please, take a step back and reexamine yourself. This (life) is not all about you anymore. It's about your sons. Lock it up. Take responsibility. Accept the hand you were dealt. Then? Move forward. It's time to stop being the selfish little boy you portray your son to be and start being the man you are supposed to be.

A Not-So-Anonymous Infertile and Mother


Sarah said...

Amen, sister! That blog of his hurt me in a visceral way. They made their bed, now they have to lie in it, and goddammit do I want that bed.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Yes 1000 times over.

I read parts of it aloud to the twins. The ChickieNob said, "that dad is really going to regret writing that."

Geochick said...

I think I read this post a bit differently.

I actually took the post to be more a private rant that some of us in ALI may have in our heads. It was almost like he's railing against the established view (of some, not all) that once you get pregnant via fertility treatments, and once you get the BFP, that you must be overjoyed. You must not be hurt by the process anymore, you got what you wanted! He seems to be railing against the unfairness of it all, and as he states, they could not bring themselves to reduce. I hope I'm not wrong in thinking that he used this post as a way to blow off steam. It would have been easier to understand, however, if he had stated that these thoughts were ones that went through his head when they got news they didn't want to hear, and it's a reaction to the shock of hearing "twins".

I'm trying to interpret the writing, and I could be totally wrong, and he could just be a grade A a-hole.

I wonder if his wife read it?

Elizabeth said...

Preach it girl! That article made me so sick to my stomach! Parenting is NOT about you! What an idiot!

Jin said...

I agree. And it's so sad that he sees his 5 year old and twins as a burden.

Rita said...

I think this man is angry and disappointed in his life as a whole. I don't think anything has turned out the way he wants and the whole twins/boys thing was just icing on the cake. I don't think he ever pictured himself living in a one bedroom apartment with a bratty kid and twin babies. I think he envisioned a better job, better living quarters, and a picture perfect family of one boy and one girl who never cry, sleep through the night, and were conceived easily (read: free).

Well, guess what? None of us end up with the life we envisioned. So boo-freakin'-hoo. Please get over it and move on, anonymous dad. Be grateful for what you have because for so many people, the "nightmare" life you have is their dream come true.

P.S. I can't even address the fact they used of ART and then "hoped for reasons to terminate." That turns my stomach. As does the comparison to a cancer patient. Disgusting.

Kim said...

YES! Thank you. His whole blog post just stinks of someone who went into the parenthood thing for the wrong reasons and didn't take the time to examine that before he got too deep. Now he's blaming his kids for his life's situation.

And here's the thing...with the time infertility gives you to change your mind, you could have reassessed your desire to be a parent. Especially after the first one. Don't blame the kids and twins in general for your piss poor decision making.


makingmonkeysoup.com said...

These will be the parents who make their kids cry because they didn't try hard enough, or didn't achieve enough.

A few weeks ago at Mea's gymnastics program, (not a meet, just a showcase) my Mom overheard a mother berating her daughter in the bathroom saying, "I wasted my whole afternoon for this, you could have done better." The little girl was crying her eyes out.

Some people just should not have children, however it is that they go about having them.

Ashley said...

What got me the most was when he said they have a 1 bedroom apartment. Uhm... where were you planning to put ONE more child?? Some people. For God's sake.

Stefanie Blakely said...

Amen, sister. I hadn't seen this, but read it through your link and was absolutely disgusted.

As someone who experienced IF he should know better.

I understand that sometimes pregnancy can take us by surprise... Jack's conception shocked me, and I honestly wasn't thrilled at first... BUT, it was never the way this person describes... I never wished for something to be wrong with him...for someone to take him away from me. I needed time to adjust to the idea of a second baby so soon.

I wish this couple would put one or both of these boys up for adoption, so that someone who really wants them could be their parents.

the relocators.... said...

while I completely sympathise & respect your response to this bloke, I cant help but feel he is brave to bare his inner most thoughts this way - irrelevant of what that makes him. this is HIS journey & it should be respected regardless. just because im on a different journey does not give me the right to judge him or his family. he is blessed, i would love to be as blessed as he is & that makes me feel a little sorry for him in all honesty.