infertile fantasies

I've been thinking a lot lately about the pressures we face while going through infertility and how a lot of those pressures are compounded by outside sources: work, family, friends, or finances. The more stress we have on our plates, the more we are likely to be stressed about infertility.

Sometimes I daydream about what would help take my stress away. A leave of absence from work would certainly do it. A weekly massage, maybe. Free bottles of wine for being infertile? YES. Maybe it's something as simple as the shows like Teen Mom and I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant being blocked from my TV guide. (Uh, really? You didn't know you were pregnant?)

Have you ever thought what would make your life easier as an infertile? Maybe it's a free vacation every year--paid for by your fertility clinic, of course. Or a basic request, like wishing they made "Infertile on board" signs for your car to warn other drivers about your hormone-induced road rage.

What are some of your infertility-related fantasies?

let me break on down

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to release my emotions about our infertility.

I still wonder the same things. I still have the same questions. I sense anger and sadness, but it's not the same. My feelings seem to be swimming around inside of me in circles, not growing or getting smaller. Just being.

Have I become numb?

Part of me thinks that I have in all aspects of my life. As more things seem to pile on--Joey's uncle dying, the situation with our neighbor, more shit breaking in the house, uncertainty at work, Joey's sister having cancer, my insurance company no longer considering my RE to be "in network" because he's affiliated with a certain hospital, etc.--the more upset I should get, right? Emotions should have overflowed by now. I'm usually great at expressing them: crying, blogging, screaming. But lately? Nothing. There's nothing there, especially when it relates to infertility. 

Maybe I'm finally learning how to truly give up control. Maybe this is my mind and my body coming together and realizing that no, there is nothing I can do about anything anymore. I can't control life. I can't control my body. I can't control the slutty girls from high school who pop out children like they are going out of style. I can't control the asinine journalists who write "articles" about infertility which further perpetuate stereotypes and set back YEARS of advocacy and awareness. I can't control the people who, when I tell them I am going to do IVF, ask me if I am going to end up like Octo Mom (refer to previous point). I can't control being 70 years old, shitting my pants, with no daughter or son to take care of me. I can't control people not understanding or not caring or not being there for me.

Perhaps this is it. Perhaps I'm having the epiphany to end all epiphanies.

Or maybe I've just finally gone off of the proverbial deep end. Maybe I'm realizing that I'm no closer to being a mom now than I was over two years ago.

Maybe part of me is giving up.

more than she should bear

I don't typically write sad, gut-wrenching stories in this blog. I try my best to keep things as light as possible and make a conscious effort not to maintain a depressing atmosphere. 

But I have to share a story. And it's a story that rips my heart apart.

On June 29, two police officers in Tampa, about an hour southwest of Orlando, were shot and killed during a routine traffic stop. Three days later, police found and arrested the suspect. One day after that, the city honored both officers in a memorial service. 31-year-old David Curtis left behind a wife and four boys. Jeffrey Kocab, also 31, also left behind his wife, 9-months pregnant with their first child, to whom he'd been married for ten years.

The shooting was top news. On some networks, it made national headlines. But in the days that followed the suspect's arrest and the victims' memorial service, the spotlight slowly faded from this horrific story. It became just another tragedy in a list of thousands.

Two days ago, Sara Kocab delivered her and Jeff's first child. Lilly Nicole.

Lilly was stillborn.

And Sara must now bury her daughter, just weeks after burying her husband.

I've questioned faith and humanity a lot in this journey, but never so much as in the moment that I heard Sara lost her child. The same thoughts circled in my head over and over again: married ten years, finally pregnant, dead husband, only child, stillborn. Reading about Jeff, Sara, and their daughter moved me so much, that I found myself practically wordless. Yet, I felt it necessary to share it so that we--a community filled with tragedy and loss of our own--could keep her in our thoughts over the coming months. 

But this story took another turn yesterday morning. A turn that, despite my greatest efforts, I could never put into writing as well as Sue Carlton did in her column published this morning in the St. Pete Times.

What you are about to read is a true lesson in love and strength through extreme adversity.

Article: In a quiet courtroom, a widow's show of strength

Thank you for teaching me, Sara.

questions and answers

I absolutely loved reading all of your questions! They were so fun to answer. And it was really nice to take a break from writing about infertility. Without further ado, here is what you wanted to know:

How did you and your husband meet? 

My husband and I met in 2001. I was 16 and he was my 24-year-old boss at my very first job. Now before you judge, know that he never once looked at me like that until much later. But me? For me it was love at first sight. My friends thought I was insane. I was a high school student who fell for a guy eight years her senior.

Joey and I kept in touch even after he went to open/manage another store. He served as my mentor and even wrote me letters of recommendation to college. In May of 2003, I graduated high school and the following month left for UF's summer session. When fall and football season rolled around, I decided to invite Joey and another friend we worked with up for a game. It was on that night after the game, after one too many shots, that I told Joey how I felt about him. A month later, I finally twisted his arm enough to go on a date with me, and the rest is history. 

What is your favorite memory from your wedding day? 

I have two favorite memories of my wedding day.

The first comes before I ever walked down the aisle. When the last of my family members left the "girls" room at the church, my bridesmaids and I stood in a circle and started to sing "Going to the Chapel." We were laughing so hard when we got to the second verse and didn't know the words that the church's wedding coordinator had to come in and tell us to be quiet. I just remember how happy I was and how much it meant to me to have those girls there.

My second favorite memory was seeing my husband's face as I got to the end of the aisle. He looked completely nervous. And just when I thought he was going to turn to me and tell me how this was the happiest day of his life, he whispered in my ear:

"You look hot."

What state or country is your dream country/state to live in?

Europe. Maybe Italy, France, or the UK.

Why do you have to wait until early 2011 to do IVF? Is there a more significant waiting period between cycles?

Money. We could do it right now if we had an extra $15,000 sitting around.

If money was no object, how many IUIs and/or IVFs would you consider doing?

This is tough. I wouldn't do anymore IUIs, but I think I would still only do one IVF cycle. For me, it's not just about the money. It's about the emotional energy that has to be put into each cycle, as well as the physical strain. I barely think I can handle going through that once. I don't think I could do it more than that if the first try was a negative.

What is your occupation?

I'm an editor for a company that publishes textbooks for at-risk adult learners. It's about as boring as it sounds. Previously, I worked in the editorial department at a top-five trade publishing house (hint: it's the same house that published the world's most popular vampire series). I love to edit, but I'm not a fan of the corporate BS that can go along with this job--which is why I'm going back for my master's in library and information studies. But I'd love to continue freelance editing on the side.

Where is your happy place?

Anywhere with my husband!

If you could have a do-over on any moment in your life (non IF-related) what would it be? And why?

Leave it to Mic to ask the toughest question! I don't know. I usually don't think about do-overs. I personally believe that changing one moment can change the rest of your life forever (see: that horrible movie with Ashton Kutcher, The Butterfly Effect). Part of me thinks that having the opportunity to go back and change things may make certain situations better. Another part of me thinks that a do-over is an easy way out. But the great thing about mistakes is that you (hopefully) learn from them. For me, every moment in my life--good and bad--has made me the person that I am today. That said, I don't think I would go back and change anything. 

Who is your number 1 "freebie" celebrity?

Oh, I love this question! Because it reminds me of that Friends episode, The One with Frank Jr., where each character makes a freebie list of their top five celebrities. Joey and I also have freebie lists inspired by that episode. My current list of five consists of (in no particular order):

Chase Utley

Mark Wahlberg

 

Patrick Dempsey

JJ Redick

Jake Gyllenhaal

What is the best book you have read recently?

I just recently read Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah. It was so good that I finished it in less than a day and cried my eyes out through the entire last chapter. Go read it. (Disclaimer: the book does touch a little bit on infertility, specifically loss, but it's not central to the book's story line. In other words, that's not what made me cry!)

What is the best place you have traveled to?

Maui.  

If you won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore, what would you do?

Aside from the obvious like paying off debt and doing IVF now, I would: pay for my brother's college education, pay off debt for our parents, still go to graduate school, buy a single-family home (no more Carl!), adopt more dogs, replace my struggling car, take our entire family on a trip, adopt and foster children of all ages, travel with my husband and kids, start a foundation for infertility treatments, and volunteer at a children's hospital. I'd love to work with cancer patients.

What's your favorite adult beverage?

I've become extremely boring in my older age. I'm a beer, wine, and vodka girl. Occasionally I'll drink a White Russian. If it's a special occasion, champagne.

How would you spend a day you had all to yourself?

A few months ago, I think I would have done nothing. Now, I would book myself a day at the spa, complete with lunch, wine or champagne, and some kind of delicious chocolate dessert. A girl can dream, can't she?

Who's your hero?

My mom. She's a cancer survivor, a single mom, and my best friend.

Do you follow any sports and if so, who's your favorite team?

I am a HUGE sports girl. Our television is on ESPN more than any other channel, and it's not just because my husband has the remote. I was born right outside of Philly, so I am a devoted fan of the Phillies and Eagles. As for college sports, I'm a proud Florida graduate and bleed orange and blue. Obviously, I love Gator football, but I'll follow and watch pretty much every Gator sport. That includes gymnastics. Last, living in Central Florida for about half of my life, I've become a Magic fan. I never used to be a fan of the NBA, but it's hard not to root for your town's team. And now that they play well, it's fun to watch this city rally around their team.

For the record, I hate the every team from New York, think the world would be a better place without Kobe Bryant, and don't understand the hype about Stephen Strasburg (yeah, he's good . . . but can he at least play for a full season before we canonize him?).

july ICLW

Welcome to the July 2010 version of ICLW. If you have no idea what that crazy-looking acronym means, click on the link to your right and join in on the fun.

I'm getting a little depressed repeating our infertility story every single month, so here's the shortened version in mathematical form (funny . . . I hate math):

27 cycles + 4 IUIs + 1 LAP + 2 REs + over $5,000 = no BFPs and 1 future IVF, in early 2011

If you want all of the sordid details, you can click here and here.

This time, instead of rehashing all of my heartache and writing information that I think you'll want to read, I thought I would let all of you tell me what you are interested in learning about me. So, really, what DO you want to know? Ask me anything and my next post will be the answers to any of your burning questions.

Happy ICLW! I look forward to getting to know all of you.