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Friday, February 8, 2013

another theft by infertility

Thank you for the kind thoughts, everyone. K is doing much better. I took her to the pediatrician for a follow-up appointment yesterday, and they gave her the all clear to return to school. Her lungs sound great. No more wheezing and no signs of distress. We also moved her back into her nursery last night. She sleeps much better in there than she does in our room, but it made me sad and nervous to move her back. I tried my best not to be paranoid.

This is one of the things about infertility that I'll never be able to accept or embrace: the fact that I now expect the worst. During treatments and the adoption process, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things haven't changed much on that front since I've become a mother. I think, "Well surely everything is going to go wrong, because doesn't it always?" First it was worrying about her health issues at birth and their long-term effects. Then, once we got her home, it was worrying about SIDS (I still worry about this, for the record, because she's at an increased risk). Now, it's worrying about her breathing. It's ALWAYS worrying about her developmental milestones, even though she's yet to miss anything.

When does it end? When do I just say, "Okay, time to relax now. Nothing bad is going to happen"? Or will that never be possible because of infertility? Has this disease changed me so much that I don't know how to go back from that?

I don't want to be a helicopter mom, but I'm conscious that I have the capability at this point to head down that path. I want to find a healthy balance of enjoying life with my child yet also protecting her. Sometimes I think this is why I never got pregnant - because I never could have handled a pregnancy. A pregnancy would have driven me off the deep end.

Maybe this is the first step toward getting better with this. Maybe admitting my craziness will help me to try and bring these emotions back toward the middle. Right now, outwardly, I'm fine. But inwardly I need to find my zen. I need to make myself believe that the other shoe isn't going to drop. I need to recognize that I do the best I can, and that's all that I can do. That's all that matters.


Kim said...

As an IF and a mother of two ivf miracles, I still am waiting for that other shoe to drop. (3.5 years after the birth off my oldest.) I was a helicopter Mom with my oldest, I still am with my one yr old, but not as bad as with the first. Maybe time helps to ease the worries....but then again, time only brings new worries (as they age.)

Toni said...

I am pregnant after infertility and I worry about everything going wrong. Every appt I think there will be no heartbeat. Then I worry that stressing will cause something to go wrong. Its hard I cant help but think things will go bad because thats what im used to.

missohkay said...

This is my life too. Not a day goes by when I don't think about something really morbid that might happen. And she she sleeps without being restless - terrified every time! I'm glad K is feeling better now.

AnotherDreamer said...

I still worry that the other shoe is going to drop too. I freak out when he stops snoring, when he climbs on the furniture... I'm as paranoid as I used to be, but I do hover more than I would like.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Oh my, I can relate. I hate the morbid thoughts. And I blame the years of IF too... :( you are not alone!

manymanymoons said...

I asked my mom this same question. She has 5 healthy, naturally conceived babies and she said, "Your worries have nothing to do with infertility. The fact that you feel that way means you are now officially a parent". :) I don't know it it's true that all parents feel that way to the level we do, but it made me feel good to know it was normal because my Lord do I worry.

For the record, you are doing an amazing job!

E and R said...

First, I am so glad to hear that K is doing better! What a relief.
Second, I have often wondered how much of my worry about our daughter is "normal" and how much is brought on by the years of IF. I, too, do not want to be a helicopter mom, but it is so easy to do while waiting for the other shoe to drop! All we can do is the best we can for our babies and pray that everything remains "OK"

Sushigirl said...

I leap to the worst possible conclusions too, whenever the wee guy is ill. Glad K is feeling better.