Thank you for the kind thoughts, everyone. K is doing much better. I took her to the pediatrician for a follow-up appointment yesterday, and they gave her the all clear to return to school. Her lungs sound great. No more wheezing and no signs of distress. We also moved her back into her nursery last night. She sleeps much better in there than she does in our room, but it made me sad and nervous to move her back. I tried my best not to be paranoid.
This is one of the things about infertility that I'll never be able to accept or embrace: the fact that I now expect the worst. During treatments and the adoption process, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things haven't changed much on that front since I've become a mother. I think, "Well surely everything is going to go wrong, because doesn't it always?" First it was worrying about her health issues at birth and their long-term effects. Then, once we got her home, it was worrying about SIDS (I still worry about this, for the record, because she's at an increased risk). Now, it's worrying about her breathing. It's ALWAYS worrying about her developmental milestones, even though she's yet to miss anything.
When does it end? When do I just say, "Okay, time to relax now. Nothing bad is going to happen"? Or will that never be possible because of infertility? Has this disease changed me so much that I don't know how to go back from that?
I don't want to be a helicopter mom, but I'm conscious that I have the capability at this point to head down that path. I want to find a healthy balance of enjoying life with my child yet also protecting her. Sometimes I think this is why I never got pregnant - because I never could have handled a pregnancy. A pregnancy would have driven me off the deep end.
Maybe this is the first step toward getting better with this. Maybe admitting my craziness will help me to try and bring these emotions back toward the middle. Right now, outwardly, I'm fine. But inwardly I need to find my zen. I need to make myself believe that the other shoe isn't going to drop. I need to recognize that I do the best I can, and that's all that I can do. That's all that matters.