I used to think that infertility made me a hard ass. I put up with less shit. I was indestructable. A bitch, in many situations, doing what I needed to do to protect myself. But I'm slowly realizing that infertility has - in many ways - made me MORE sensitive than I used to be.
Infertility has made me overly emotional, particularly when it comes to situations that have to do with children or lack thereof. Listening to people's stories about their infertility journeys still makes me tear up, even though I've heard the same stories from so many women over the last four years. It still gets me fired up to hear about doctors mistreating (or misdiagnosing) patients. I get happy and sad when people announce their pregnancies, despite the fact that I don't want to be pregnant.
I often wonder if it will ever fade, this emotion. If I will ever stop shedding tears over everything that's happened in the last four years. What infertility has both taken away from and given to me, and what it has both taken away from and given to others in this community.
The hole my heart nearly closed with K's arrival. But I fear that a tiny sliver of it will never heal. Not just for my lost dreams, but for the lost dreams of others. For the pain that this community experiences on a daily basis. For those women who never get to shed happy tears over their child's first visit with Santa.
I fear we will never truly be able to "cure" infertility, or the people who've experienced it.