Tuesday, November 27, 2012

scars

I used to think that infertility made me a hard ass. I put up with less shit. I was indestructable. A bitch, in many situations, doing what I needed to do to protect myself. But I'm slowly realizing that infertility has - in many ways - made me MORE sensitive than I used to be.

Infertility has made me overly emotional, particularly when it comes to situations that have to do with children or lack thereof. Listening to people's stories about their infertility journeys still makes me tear up, even though I've heard the same stories from so many women over the last four years. It still gets me fired up to hear about doctors mistreating (or misdiagnosing) patients. I get happy and sad when people announce their pregnancies, despite the fact that I don't want to be pregnant.

I often wonder if it will ever fade, this emotion. If I will ever stop shedding tears over everything that's happened in the last four years. What infertility has both taken away from and given to me, and what it has both taken away from and given to others in this community.

The hole my heart nearly closed with K's arrival. But I fear that a tiny sliver of it will never heal. Not just for my lost dreams, but for the lost dreams of others. For the pain that this community experiences on a daily basis. For those women who never get to shed happy tears over their child's first visit with Santa.

I fear we will never truly be able to "cure" infertility, or the people who've experienced it.

12 comments:

Rach said...

I am in such a better place than I was 2 1/2 years ago, but I too dont think I'll ever be fully healed from infertility.

I still have that little wonder in the back of my head, what would my child look like? How cool would it be to get pregnant and surprise everyone?

I mean, fertility treatments and adoptions have to be public to some extent (bosses need a heads up, people need to do reference letters, etc).

Pregnancy announcements still put me through a slight whirlwind of emotions to.

someday-soon said...

I think to have walked a mile in IF shoes gives you true empathy...and it's just something our hearts weren't open to before we suffered. In a way I believe I'm better for having gone through it.

missohkay said...

Again, you've written another post that seems straight out of my brain. I am not really the sentimental type - or I wasn't until infertility showed up. Now I'm ready to do every cheesy thing, and I tear up at the drop of a hat.

It Is What It Is said...

I'm not sure that one can be healed from a persistent condition like infertility (even after family building efforts are complete, no matter what the outcome). I think that something so pervasive in our lives is more of a defining moment (even if that 'moment' stretches for years).

I think that a coming to terms occurs the further we are from treatment. The loss of one's fertility is a loss. Like the death of a loved one, the wound scars over but the scar is still there, still sensitive or numb, and still a reminder of what once was.

I think we need to find our way to being OK, whole people, regardless of the outcome of our struggle. That's the only way IF doesn't win. The pressure to 'heal' keeps the wound open, I believe, like a constant picking at a scab. It is part of who were are but is not the only thing that defines us. We are so much more than our infertility.

AnotherDreamer said...

There is so much truth in what you wrote here.

Rebecca said...

You've put it so well. I hadn't realized how much it has changed my husband, too, until the other day when he started talking about people's pregnancy announcements and how they affected him.

Mellow MW Mama said...

so very very true. It will never leave me. I have never been one to cry over little things and now it seems like I cry at everything. mostly happy tears, though the angry and frustrated ones have been more often lately. It definitely changes us and leaves a lasting effect.

Christina B said...

Infertility is NOT fun!!!!! I've known since age 18 (now 33) that I would never be able to conceive a child due to a very rare disorder. I completely understand everything you write about this nasty beast. Just know you are not alone in your journey of battling it! Prayers for peace...

babywithatwist said...

Yes, I will always have a scar and sometimes it throbs and itches at the most unexpected times.

Kelli said...

I worry I will be in the same place soon. Things are easier but things remain hard at the same time...and those surprises throw me back when I least expect it.

Geochick said...

I don't think my hole will ever fully heal either. However, over the last 18 months I think it's been filled in and there's only a tiny sliver left.

Logical Libby said...

I found I was especially raw in the months after Meg was born. Now, I find I am less emotional and more matter of fact. I want people to know what's really going on, and I want infertility not to be a "hidden" problem. I still have my days when the wind is knocked out of me, but I hope that getting back up, and keeping going will help others.