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Thank you for all of your support over the years! xo

Friday, July 13, 2012

believing in the unbelievable

It's hard for me to believe that, less than a month ago, I wasn't sure if we would ever become parents. And I had accepted that. I had accepted the fact that we might have to make the difficult choice of not renewing our home study in the fall. I had accepted child-free living. We'd even discussed what we would do with all of the baby things that sat untouched in the nursery.

And now? Now I'm sitting here, starting to fill out parts of Baby K's baby memory book. I'm writing about the first time she opened her eyes - on the day that T signed her consent. I'm writing about how I freaked out when her belly button cord fell off a few days ago. I called for the nurse, panicking: "I'm not sure this is SUPPOSED to happen this early!" I'm busy doing laundry, trying to wash all of the things that, less than a month ago, I was hesitant to take out of the packaging.

I'm proud when she has good moments. Heartbroken when she has bad ones. Frustrated when the hospital staff doesn't listen to what I'm saying.

Somehow, from the time that Baby K was born to right now, I became a mom. I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but it did. Sometime in the last 11 days, I went from loving this baby and thinking she was cute to knowing she was mine. And she learned that I was hers. She looks at me when I talk to her. She smiles (and I don't care what anyone says - she DOES smile). Even when she doesn't have the energy to open her eyes, you can tell she's listening.

I haven't broken down and cried much since she was born, and when I have, it's been more over her health than it has over anything else. I have a feeling that I won't experience a sudden rush of emotion until she is actually home. We've had babies in this house before. But to have OUR baby in this house is a moment I thought might never occur.

That moment is now just weeks away. And I'm grateful that I never gave up on it. Because this is the feeling I've been searching for for over four years. The feeling that miracles really do happen.

I believe that now more than ever before. Because she - this - is a miracle.

38 comments:

Detour said...

This made me cry. You give me so much hope as I embark on the domestic adoption journey. Hope your little girl fights her way out of the hospital soon!

Rebecca said...

This is awesome to read. And, I agree -- it took until the babies were actually HOME before I felt that overwhelming sense of emotion. There was stress when they were in the hospital but it didn't feel "right" until they were home.

Miracles do happen and I'm BEYOND excited for you!!

And, she DOES smile. The boys did, too, when they were even younger "gestationally" than K is and I KNOW they did.

It Is What It Is said...

So, so happy for you.

I think your story needs to be reinforced. There are so many in the ALI community that are so worn out from their struggle that the thought of giving up is at the fore. And, perhaps it is a good thing to come to terms with not having the dream. But, doing that doesn't also mean giving up the fight as one really never knows what is just around the corner.

I remember having a similar epiphany, that I had come to terms with remaining a family of three so that had our last cycle not been successful, I could have been at peace. And, now, here I am, 15w2d pregnant with a little boy.

Gratitude abounds.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Katie! I am so happy for you. I remember writing on your post a month ago that it seems unbelievable until it's not. And then it all makes sense. It truly is a miracle, especially adoption. So many things must come together it can't be anything other than a miracle. Lots of love to you!

Shannon said...

oh my gosh...i'm in love with her already. She is GORGEOUS mommy! Still praying for for her and you guys every day.

aryanhwy said...

Baby photo! Yay! Thanks for sharing.

someday-soon said...

Tears!!! Isn't it amazing how those baby smiles can was away years of pain and heart ache. I am so thrilled for you =)

AnneHorch said...

What a beautiful post, Katie. And she is absolutely beautiful too--wow. Love seeing her sweet face in that pic. Your love shines in this latest blog entry. So happy for you!

Amber said...

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!!!

Is it weird to have *this* amount of pure joy for a virtual stranger? If it is, I don't care :). Your posts make me cry because I can feel your heart through the words you write.

It seems just like yesterday that we brought our baby girl home from the hospital. Now she's 15mths old. But those feelings... well... they're always *right* there under the surface. The knowledge that you were given a miracle :).

I am so happy for all three of you! And thank you for including all of us in this journey of yours :).

Anna said...

She's such a little cutie!! Be ready- it will hit you all at once and it's scary but beautiful all at the same time. So happy for you!!!

Alex said...

This is amazing. I love this post so much! And I'm so beyond happy for you that you finally got your miracle!!!

Kelly said...

Katie, I am so incredibly happy for you and Joey. What a lucky little girl to have you both are parents.

M said...

Love this post! <3

Melissa said...

Congrats, that is so awesome. I'm so glad your dream of becoming a mommy has come true.

Danielle said...

So. Much. Beautiful. In every way.

KeAnne said...

OMG! I hadn't been by in a few weeks. Wow! Congrats! I am so happy for you.

Sushigirl said...

Ahhh! She's a wee sweetie and you're blessed. You'll be a fantastic mother.

lparsons15 said...

Its amazing!!!

Jin said...

awww, how sweet! And totally funny about the belly button cord

AnotherDreamer said...

This post made me all teary eyed. I am so happy for you!

Emily said...

I'm so happy for you all, she's so precious and I can't wait to hear that she's home with you!

Becky said...

Beautiful. Sometimes motherhood just sneaks up on you, doesn't it?

Erica said...

congratulations and welcome to Mommy club! Such beautiful words written in this post. Once again.. she is ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!

Arlyne said...

So beautifully said, as always!!! This precious angel is so incredibly lucky to have you for her mommy & it sounds like she knows it already :) xoxo

Leslie said...

I am so incredibly happy for you = ) You are an inspiration. Thank you!

Rach said...

Aw, she is so sweet and I'm glad she continues to get stronger. It's amazing how quickly things can change huh?

Mali said...

Lovely. Just lovely.

Shannon said...

So precious. Amazing how quickly your life can transition from point A to point Z. Congratulations on this beautiful blessing!

Tammy said...

You bring tears to my eyes yet again. Gosh, do I ever understand these feelings you are describing. :)

*Jelena* said...

Amazing post. What a wonderful feeling that must be, to know that finally everything is right with the world. :)

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

This post totally made me cry! Congrats again! I love that you are her mom!

myinfertilitywoes said...

Awwww, I loved this. Thank you for sharing. I'm so happy for you! You give me hope for me too! (((hugs)))

Dawn said...

It's amazing how fast you can fall in love with someone and even more amazing how much it continues to grow!

She's beautiful! I'm so happy for you!

Stefanie Blakely said...

::sobbing::

Welcome to motherhood, friend. It's amazing & you're already fantastic at it.

xoxo

Kim said...

This post makes me so very happy. I am thrilled at your dreams have finally come true and I am praying for that sweet little girl of yours to get healthy soon so you can bring her home and get in with the life you have dreamed of forever!!

Shannon said...

Real tears rolling down my cheeks. You give me hope that one day I might have a baby in my house too. Keep your head up and listen to your heart Mommy. Baby K is lucky to have you!!

AL said...

beautiful post. I am so thrilled for you! I cannot wait til she comes home with you to the nursery you and Joey have waited so long to fill with a little bundle of joy!

Jen Rutner said...

You are a Mom! I cannot wait for you to have her home, forever. Such an incredible blessing!!!