It's hard for me to believe that, less than a month ago, I wasn't sure if we would ever become parents. And I had accepted that. I had accepted the fact that we might have to make the difficult choice of not renewing our home study in the fall. I had accepted child-free living. We'd even discussed what we would do with all of the baby things that sat untouched in the nursery.
And now? Now I'm sitting here, starting to fill out parts of Baby K's baby memory book. I'm writing about the first time she opened her eyes - on the day that T signed her consent. I'm writing about how I freaked out when her belly button cord fell off a few days ago. I called for the nurse, panicking: "I'm not sure this is SUPPOSED to happen this early!" I'm busy doing laundry, trying to wash all of the things that, less than a month ago, I was hesitant to take out of the packaging.
I'm proud when she has good moments. Heartbroken when she has bad ones. Frustrated when the hospital staff doesn't listen to what I'm saying.
Somehow, from the time that Baby K was born to right now, I became a mom. I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but it did. Sometime in the last 11 days, I went from loving this baby and thinking she was cute to knowing she was mine. And she learned that I was hers. She looks at me when I talk to her. She smiles (and I don't care what anyone says - she DOES smile). Even when she doesn't have the energy to open her eyes, you can tell she's listening.
I haven't broken down and cried much since she was born, and when I have, it's been more over her health than it has over anything else. I have a feeling that I won't experience a sudden rush of emotion until she is actually home. We've had babies in this house before. But to have OUR baby in this house is a moment I thought might never occur.
That moment is now just weeks away. And I'm grateful that I never gave up on it. Because this is the feeling I've been searching for for over four years. The feeling that miracles really do happen.
I believe that now more than ever before. Because she - this - is a miracle.