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Thank you for all of your support over the years! xo

Monday, May 14, 2012

peace

This is it. This is what this feels like.

Resolve. Resolution.

I always thought I would resolve my infertility by having a baby. It took the last week, a blog post and a half, and a comment from Mel to realize that resolve doesn't necessarily mean that you have to become a parent or determine to live child free to resolve your infertility.

No. You can do it while you're still IN it.

At first, I thought the turmoil I felt last week was a desire to quit. But honestly, it was exactly the opposite. It was the courage to admit that I'll be okay if I never become a mom. The world won't stop turning. The sun will keep rising. And I will still have so many wonderful things in life to enjoy. It was the courage to admit that, regardless of how things end up, my life won't be empty. It was the courage to admit that I will know when it's time to stop fighting. Just like I knew when it was time to stop treatment, I'll know when it's time to pack away the dream of becoming a parent. And there's nothing shameful about making that choice.

I'll admit that part of this feeling is a little loss of faith. After four years, it's hard to stay sunshine-y about the fact that "this will all work out." It slowly evolved into "this may work out." Or, it may not. I know that now. It was easy to think about all of the wonderful ways that this journey could end - all of the ways that include a baby in my arms. It's much, much harder to look at how this could end with me empty handed.

But I understand now, more than I ever did before, that it wouldn't be empty handed. My life is still full, and it will continue to be.

I've heard from a lot of people this last week about my peace with living child free, should this not work or should we decide at some point to stop pursuing parenthood. Some called it brave. Some called it giving up. For four years, we have worked very hard at becoming parents. And no, four years isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. But four years is a long time when you look at what the last four years have held for us. It's been our entire marriage. It's been four years of slicing, dicing, money, heartache, and struggle. It's been a hell of a ride. One I sincerely hope ends with a child, but one that I know now I will survive, regardless.

This weekend I looked Joey in the eye, and I said to him, "We are going to have an amazing life together, no matter what happens." And I meant it.

That is resolve.

That is peace.

22 comments:

Dead Cow Girl said...

*sniffle*

Four years is a terribly long time. It's time enough to get a college degree and all the bumps and hangover and lost virginity that comes along with it.

I'm happy that you are finding acceptance with what ever life you end up with. IF makes you miserable with hope. All consuming, all possessing, month in and month out ... hope.

I know I'm so very lucky to end with a baby, but I know stepping away from the search for another was a relief. It was like pulling a splinter from a deep personal sensitive spot.

Life is amazing. However it ends up.

Jessica said...

You are amazing and I admire you!

A. said...

This post was really inspiring and encouraging to me. Thanks for it, and wishing you all the best always.

Whitney Anderson said...

Such a beautiful post, Katie. And, yes, that is courage. I can't believe anyone would dare to say it was giving up. ♥

Dawn said...

You will have an amazing life because you are an amazing woman!

It Is What It Is said...

What I think is brave is you sharing how you are coming to terms. Very few write about that and many just fade away and we never really know how they resolved things in their hearts and in their minds.

I applaud your willingness to share and I continue to championing the child you are meant to have finding you.

Regardless, you are having and will continue to have a good life.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous post. This needs to be submitted somewhere -- it needs a wider audience.

Serendipitie said...

This is a beautiful post. And a wonderful reminder that we can continue on, even if the future doesn't match what we once thought it should be. xoxox

Alex said...

Beautiful. I'm so impressed with this peace you find yourself in.

Her Royal Fabulousness said...

The only times I have ever felt any better in my TTC process (which has only been 2.5 years, not 4) was when DH and I could look at each other and say the exact same thing. "Either way, we will have a good life together." Good for you.

PCOSChick said...

So glad you wrote this! After hearing you saying it last night on the phone, I could hear such a sense of relief in your voice..it was great! You will be ok..me too ;) We can do this together!! xo

Logical Libby said...

I think it's so hard when something has become such a big part of your life to let it go. Especially because it feels like you have to let it go all at once. You can do it though, and you will, when it's time.

You never know what life has in store when you least expect it.

MrsMann said...

Good for you!!! Resolve is something we all need to find, infertility or not.

Ted and Maria said...

Couldn't have said it better myself....Peace is a beautiful thang!

Kandid Kelli said...

Katie,

This made me cry and I am not sure why.

I love you,

xo
-K

Suzanne said...

This is exactly how I feel.

Sarah said...

Wonderful post. I am so happy you have found peace, no matter the final answer. Xoxo

Tammy said...

So perfectly said.

Lavender Luz said...

Oh, Katie. This is such a beautiful post, of the human condition and of wanting vs accepting. How liberating it just feel to be here.

Love this: "My life is still full..."

Wishing you abundance in whatever form it comes to you.

Mali said...

Lovely. I had a revelation a bit like this after my first IVF. I realised that life would be good, and felt this overwhelming relief and freedom. I am so glad you have felt this too.

starfishkittydreams said...

Thank you for reminding me that life can go on without kids. We have been trying for four years as well and it has taken quite a toll on us. It's now been going on for more than half of our 8 year marriage.

Detour said...

Late to the party. This is a beautiful post and I relate to it on so many levels. I admire your strength and resolve.