Please note on your readers that I have a new blog: http://nowaystosayit.com.

If you have any questions, you can email me at katieschaber (at) gmail.com.

Thank you for all of your support over the years! xo

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

sometimes, you just need a good rant

In some ways, blogging makes me bitter - so much so, that I contemplate ending my blog all together. I'm still waiting for that stork who lost his way trying to find our house. Everyone I started this journey with is becoming a mother, and here I am. Wallowing in my Blogger dashboard. Wondering what's left to say (write). I want to write about this, and yet I sit here afraid to offend someone. And that makes me mad.

I don't want to censor myself. I never used to. What changed?

I thought I got over being a Bitter Betty. What makes me revert?

Part of me is just angry that, on top of not being able to reproduce a child, everyone else around me is doing it. Everyone is pregnant - from my high school friends to ladies in my infertility support group. And, on top of not being able to reproduce a child, I have to suffer every physical consequence imaginable for it. The pain, the surgeries, the medications. I'm sick of having to explain to friends why, you know, I just don't feel like myself sometimes.

Because I'm not myself.

It's getting better with this new doctor. It is. But it doesn't mean I don't still question "why me" or I don't get sick and tired of people whining to me.

I'm sorry you had a bad day. Perhaps you'd like to trade and have a catheter stuck up your vagina filled with saline fluid along with having an ultrasound probe up there at the exact same time. Sorry you are having a bad day when I'm having my lady bits stretched out like I'm a porn star... only I'm not getting screwed by anything except medical equipment, in front of a room full of medical personnel. Meanwhile, my poor husband calmly sits next to my shoulder and looks sad at the fact that I'm being violated for the umpteenth-zillion time.

I'm sorry it took you ___ lousy months to conceive. That's so sad. You know what? I'm at three years. Of wanting a baby. And you know what I'm tired of? People saying, "I can't WAIT until you have one. It's such a blessing being a mom." Uh, yeah. I know it's a blessing. It's a blessing I've been trying to get my hands on for three years. No joke. If one more person tells me how awesome being a mom is, I'm going to tell them to go straight to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I'm sorry that your life is so awful after having a baby. That's just terrible that you get no sleep, you have shit all over your clothes, and you have no adult time. Did you read no books before deciding to get pregnant? Do you not have any friends with kids? Have you no clue about the work that it takes to be a parent? I guess you did absolutely no research before you go knocked up about how kids don't sleep and how babies can't feel, wipe, and bathe themselves.

I don't write about these things and complain because I'm TRYING. I am trying to not be so "woe is me" about this situation. But with every day that passes, it's another day further from when we started this journey. And it's another day when someone announces their pregnancy or whines about their kid being annoying. It's another day where I hear a mom curse at her child in public or someone tells me, "Being a mom is SPECIAL."

You know what I consider special these days? The days when I am not completely losing my marbles. That's special. It's the days when I'm crumbling on the inside, but I still manage to smile in the mirror and remember that I got out of bed this morning. I bathed. I brushed my teeth. I ate. I kissed my husband good-bye.

That's not insanity. It's normalcy. And, even if it's masking the pain I have inside, it has to count for something.

45 comments:

allischaber said...

Once again, it seems like you've gone right into my brain & have said everything that I want to say & can't. We're in this together. Thank you for being my adopted voice

serenity said...

Man, do I ever relate to this post. Even in a vacuum infertility would be hard. It's harder when you're surrounded by and and can't escape and you just want to scream and hit people and things and run the hell away from it all.

Well, okay, that's me.

Thing is? It's OKAY to be bitter and feel like this. It sucks. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel bitter. Like my therapist says - it's just a feeling. It'll pass.

And in the meantime? Know that we're here for you. Take some time just you and Joey and cocoon; get away from the pregnants and the moms and the friends and family who say stupid things.

Hugs hon.

xoxo

Jennifer said...

I agree, it all sucks. I got two pregnancy announcements this week after a sonohysterogram from hell last week. And now I need more surgery.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but vent away you deserve to.

Josey said...

I don't know if you believe in God or a higher being or something, but maybe this post will help...

http://www.dustyandamy.com/2011/05/eyes-forward.html

Amy is an amazing blogger, and she, too, has been through a lot on this IF journey. She just suffered another BFN (and OHSS to show for it)... and she has been TTC for 10 years. Her beliefs inspire me though, and I hope they help you.

Keep the faith. Two years of waiting was awful for me - I can't even fathom three. I'm so sorry it's so hard for you right now. :(

Rebecca said...

There are days when I wake up and all I can think is "what the f*** is the point anymore?" I feel like all I want to do is scream and all I want to do on my blog is say the same damn thing over and over again "it's not fair, I don't know why I think this is ever going to work, I hate all you people who are pregnant even though I love you." It just sucks. Add to that all the painful complications you've had to deal with? Ugh.

Arlyne said...

It's ok to rant...if anyone deserves to it's you! Please know that I'm here & always will be to talk about anything & everything NOT baby related, including my own! Xoxo

Sandy said...

I understand and I'm sorry you have to go through this. We have been trying to start our family for years now. IF sucks and you shouldn't have to apologize for this. It does seem like there are a lot of pregnancy posts lately. Hang in there!

A said...

(HUG) i could have written this post many many days. don't feel bad about ranting- we all know how that is, and we are here for you!

Secret Sloper said...

Rant away, Katie, please. You don't have to put a pretty bow on this experience. We all know it's shit, through and through. And we all know there are major ups and downs-- days when you feel strong and together and proud and capable and days when you feel the opposite of all those things.

I want you to be a mom, not because it's all so great (what the heck do I know, I'm not there yet), but because I just do! And if you keep blogging, I will keep reading until you make it there. Good times and bad times.

KT said...

Every day it seems I see a new "I'm pregnant" post on FB and it makes me want to scream/cry. Possibly at the same time. I have lesbians friends that are even pregnant.

someday-soon said...

You have been a rock through all you have been drug through {{{HUGS}}} Putting one foot in front of the other in the midst of your pain shows so much courage and you should be proud of yourself for it!

It Is What It Is said...

I'm sorry that you feel like you need to apologize. And to who? Insensitive or naive but well meaning people in your life? Sometimes it is time to cut bait with those that are a drain, even if just for a little while while you nourish yourself.

No apologies and have no fear. For f*ck's sake, be the you you need to be here. It's the least you deserve.

Kelley said...

I think everyone needs a place to vent/rant despite what others may think or feel. You have put into words the things that so many of us our feeling/struggling with. Hang in there and remember that there are others who truly understand, who love to hear your rants (if even just to know we aren't alone), and keep putting one foot in front of the other because it's got to get better eventually!!

((hugs))

Suzanne said...

Well said ..... this is exactly how I feel!

Keiko said...

Never apologize for the way you feel. I totally appreciate such a raw post. Thinking of you and sending you clarity and peace, but totally honoring your space to rage at the world. We just need to do it sometimes. *hug*

Jen said...

1 - normal definitely counts for something. (It has to!) 2 - my husband said yesterday in couples therapy "I don't like that any day that you're not having a break down is automatically a good day. Shouldn't the bar be a bit higher?" I wish. 3 - people who complained about how much work babies are annoyed me BEFORE I started trying to get pregnant. Some people are just damn clueless, and I have no patience for that.

knitting vixen said...

you can be as "woe is me" as you want. These blogs are great ways to let of some steam.

You know what, reading what you write makes me feel better. I feel like this sometimes and it's nice to know I am not alone.

Stefanie Blakely said...

Let it out. Rant away. That's what this space is for and if people don't want to read it, they won't. We're all here for the long haul. xoxo

Baby Hopes said...

You completely spoke right to my heart.

Traci said...

Thank you a million times for this post. I've been silently following your blog for a while, and I appreciate you being able to be completely honest. It's nice to know that there are others out there like me (cysts, surgeries, trips to the emergency room, years of infertility at a young age... I think you're one of the first I've found with so many similarities). It flat out sucks, but it feels just a little bit better when you don't feel so alone.

Danielle said...

Amen, sister. A-freaking-men to this WHOLE ENTIRE POST.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I understand Katie, and you are entitled to your feelings.

Ed said...

Yes! Even my infertility friends are pregnant. Ugh. People don't understand how hard it is.

amiracle4us said...

SIgn my name at the end of this post bc I could have written it myself. We are approaching year 4 and all I think is 'really'?!?!?
Everyone keeps saying 'it will happen', but will it? It doesn't for some people. Let me know how it will happen and a time frame then maybe I can relax. Maybe then the comments like 'being a mother is such a special feeling' won't hurt so bad.

Willow said...

Please, rant away. You've been thru so much and yet have remained such a wonderful support to me and so many others in this community. You have a right to be bitter. I was so, so bitter after the complete loss of my fertility by age 30 after 4 years of trying. Yes, donor eggs worked for me, but I will always be bitter when faced with all the clueless people you describe, who just don't get the true depth of suffering we IFers face. We have all dealt with so many losses--of our hope, our dreamed-of children (even when, as I know you will, we find dream-come-true children thru adoption), our innocence, and of control of our lives and even our sense of who we are. Feel free to vent as much as you need. I for one will always be here to listen.

AL said...

Katie, please rant away. No apologies necessary. you've had a hell of a shit year.

PCOSChick said...

I know what you mean when you say you worry about offending people. I worry about that a lot too & it's not right. Feel free to rant away, you have been through a lot & those of you that you offend, well....f%&k them :D So just say what you want

AnotherDreamer said...

Such a raw honest post, rant away. I've been in those shoes so often... heck, still in those shoes but the view is slightly different... but the bitterness is definitely going strong. I still feel like screaming, every day.

Thinking of you.

~C~ said...

Yup. This about sums it up. I'm the longest-standing from my Resolve group. A staggering majority of women in my online pregnancy loss support group are pregnant. Many of the bloggers I follow or who used to follow me are pregnant. It's getting mighty depressing 'round here. And I have a really hard time controlling my anger at it all.

And what *is* it with the people bitching about their kids not coming out of the womb fully potty-trained, sleeping 9 hours a night, and quoting Shakespeare? Are people really that dense as to not realize what tremendous work babies are? My IF friend who does this makes me particularly stabby.

Kechara said...

I've been having a major stabby bitter day today, so I can totally relate. It's ok, though. If it's ok for the other people you support when they feel like this, it's ok for you too. At least that's what I keep telling myself...

A Shadow of My Former Self said...

Well said. I am closing in on two years. Tonight I had to attend a work cocktail social and had to sit through "wait until you have kids...it's such a tough job but SO worth it" and "your life is so easy, try getting up at 5am with a colicky baby". Like you, getting up, getting dressed, brushing my teeth and just showing up in life is cause for me to hold my head up high. It's my normal. It's hell, to be sure, but it's my normal and right about now it's all I can manage.

I am so sorry for your struggles. I am glad you're continuing to blog. I find much solace in your words.

Kandid Kelli said...

Katie,

I don't know what to say except that I am thinking about you, everyday. I don't know what its like to be in your shoes but I remember after both my miscarriages the horrible things people said to me and how awful I felt. I imagine that is how you feel.

I am so sorry. If you want to talk you know I am here.

xo
-K

JustHeather said...

Your rant could be mine. It will be 3 years for us in August and I have had and do have all of the exact thoughts and feelings you wrote about. I'm so sorry that you and I and others like us that have to go through this. *hugs*

myinfertilitywoes said...

Wow. I LOVED this post. I HATED that you had to be in this place to write it but I like how honest and raw your emotions are. I completely relate. It's been 3 1/2 years and it's such a struggle. I have to keep a gratitude journal now which helps to remind me of how I used to think about things so naturally.

I appreciate you writing this. Thank you and sending you (((hugs))).

Anonymous said...

You said what I think, but can´t set on paper. On our year four of TTC, second of IVF treatment. I´m kind of "lucky", I get pregnant but they won´t last 9 months so still not a baby at my hous either.

I´m really proud of myselfe that I get out of bed each morning and do what I´ve allways done.
I´m also proud of you that you do the same.

Scandinavian endo girl

mommyodyssey said...

don't ever feel bad for ranting. This is what this space was meant for. I so understand what you're going through! This journey sucks. It sucks even more when we're surrounded by a bunch of people spewing cliche'd BS that only makes us feel worse. Hang in there. You're not alone!

JL said...

Slow clap over here - you're saying exactly what I think oh so often.

Do what you gotta do to get through.

Logical Libby said...

There will always be a part of you that is bitter. However, it gets smaller and smaller.

Except when you see ultrasound pictures for Facebook photos. Those bitches need to knock it off.

Trisha said...

I completely know how you feel! Although we have a son now through adoption; we have "tried" for over 5 years now. I still have those days and I think it's ok. It's our body's way of processing everything. Big hugs to you!

Heather said...

hugs ()

projectedprogenitor said...

Amen. That is all.

Jen Has A Pen said...

So sorry you are feeling so low, Katie. Been there. Well, I go there at least 3 times a month. I hope an answer that makes you feel better comes to you soon. It's a shitty situation, and I wish you relief.

Beth said...

Grr, better to get it out then keep that frustration in...

Lut C. said...

I curse at IF everyday. Still.

Once you get to the point where you no longer dare say anything because it will rub someone the wrong way ... then closing your blog is all that's left.
But where does that leave you?

Drawing the short straw amongst a group who already were short-straw-drawers, it sucks. Rant when you need to.

Mrs. Corrock said...

Please go ahead and be bitter!! do you know how many of my cousins are pregnant? about 10 of them.... oh and about 10 of my friends are pregnant too... but not ME.

Thanks! that felt good.
I go in for a laproscopy (sp?) in a couple of weeks. just started following your blog. I'll be married 3 years in August.