Wednesday, April 27, 2011

i can't get no

Satisfaction.

When you want something that someone else has, odds are they want something that you have just as badly if not more than the thing you want in their life. Not that you want their LIFE. You just want whatever part of their life you think is perfect. Take all of us, for instance. We all want babies, correct? Children we can raise and love as our own. Your best friend has a baby. Why can't you? But the reality is that your best friend might be looking at your house, your marriage, your relationship with family, your job, etc. and saying, "Why can't I have that?"

I've never gotten what I wanted. Ever. Good things don't happen to me. But it's funny that, when they do, I still am not satisfied. I am the worrier, as Joey calls me. I worry about a million things. I look for hidden meanings. I wait for the other shoe to drop. This is me. This is what I do. My fear with the other shoe dropping only multiplied by a trillion after doctors told me I was infertile. I learned to anticipate the bad and become pleasantly surprised when the pendulum swung the other way. (Which, let's face it: instances of this are rare for me.)

What I'm trying to say is that there's a part of me who might always be negative - or maybe a realist? Okay, no. Just . . . negative. When something good happens, my first reaction is either, "Why me?" or "What's the catch?" or "What in the absolute hell is going to happen NOW? Because surely this means something terrible is coming next."

Am I the only person like this? Am I the only person who simply cannot grasp situations and move forward? There are so many nights when I just wish that I could turn my brain OFF and let it rest. The wheels are constantly turning (worrying), and I get sick of it. How can I learn to let things go and let things happen the way that they are meant to happen? How can I learn to live and let the universe take control - let life ebb and flow on its own?

(My apologizes for being vague and scatterbrained with this post, but it's how my mind feels at the moment.)

27 comments:

Kakunaa said...

There is no simple answer...it is how you are wired. Anxiety blows, whatever form it takes. HUG.

S said...

My husband is A Worrier. I don't know that he would say that good things don't happen to him, but he is certainly always anticipating that bad things will.

I don't know how you turn that off. If you figure it out, let me know and I'll pass it on to him.

Baby Hopes said...

I'm definitely a worrier. Peace and calm are conscious choices for me. It's hard for me to shut off the constant "what ifs" and fears that something bad will happen to make up for the good that comes my way. I do feel like lots of wonderful blessings come my way... often better than what I was trying or hoping for. But I do worry alongside of being thankful. I've really been trying hard lately to be more positive. My husband is naturally an optimist, so I'm trying to take cues from him. Thinking if you... some days are harder than others...

Rebecca said...

If you ever learn how to turn your brain off, please let me know! Anxiety takes over my brain no matter what is going on around me. I definitely understand what you're talking about.

Hope things are going OK!

AnotherDreamer said...

I wish I knew the answer, I really do. (*hugs*) All I can say is that you are definitely not alone.

ifcrossroads.com said...

I am constantly worrying and anxiety ridden. Matt calls me "glass 1/2 empty" because I always look for the worst case scenario and anticipate the worst. I understand why you think that way and I wish I could offer you advice. Instead, I just offer you my love and ((hugs))

Stephanie said...

You are not alone! I'm a worrier, full of anxiety. I call myself a realist too, ha. Rick is an optimist and doesn't understand my need to worry about the negative consequences well ahead of said event. I thought I would get better as I got older and God help any children we ever do have. Thank goodness they'll have a dad who is laid back, calm, cool and collected and full of unicorns and rainbows! I wish I had a magic answer to turn off our brains, I've found that my only off switch is actively NOT caring about something which is just as bad as worrying about it.

Keiko said...

I totally hear you. Sometimes when you just get one crappy thing after another handed to you, it's hard to truly appreciate those rare positive things. Like you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop - "What's the catch?" you ask yourself. I totally get that. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves to live in the moment instead of carrying along the baggage of past hurts/crap to really appreciate the moment we're in.

(Easier said than done of course.) Your post makes total sense.

Logical Libby said...

You totally just described me. I just wish I could have said it as well as you did. Lucky.

amiracle4us said...

I think we are one in the same....I am definitely the 'worrier' in our family, always have been. Many a nights I sit awake asking for my brain to calm down and turn off as well....hugs!

Secret Sloper said...

I'm a pretty positive person about big-picture things (IF and loss were the first major setbacks in my life). But I worry about the little things all the time. Why is my mom calling me? Is something wrong with my dad? How am I going to finish all this schoolwork? I'm going to fail, aren't I? Why hasn't DH called yet from that business trip? Did something happen to his plane? Over and over and over.

I really believe it's just the way my brain is wired. Medication helped a lot (and helped me be more productive, too). But it had side effects I didn't like. So I guess we just muddle through.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I wish I knew the answer, but I struggle with this as well. Find some things that soothe you and make you feel positive. (i/e- upcoming vacation!)

Tammy said...

I'm a worrier, too, so I feel ya! It's easy to get caught up in worry. There have been days when I just slept all day out of sadness and anxiety.

But a few weeks ago it dawned on me that I just don't want to live my life that way. I don't want to worry all the time, I don't want to be sad, I don't want to covet what other people have. Sometimes I just look at my husband and our pets and I'm just like, "I love them SO much, and I'm not guaranteed another day with them." I want to appreciate every second with them. I want to be happy and cherish every moment. And for me, that's what helps me stop worrying: thinking about everything I have and everything I have to lose and not wanting to waste a second of my life being miserable about what I don't have.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when I see a million facebook posts every day of friends and family who are announcing their pregnancies, but it does mean I don't feel like getting upset over it. I want to be happy, and I'm determined to be, with or without baby.

Thinking of you!

Ed said...

Yep. I feel ya.

foxy said...

Hi Katie,
I think that some of us are just born worriers. I've worried about all sorts of things for as long as I can remember. There have been three points in my life when the anxiety got so bad that it morphed into depression and I relied on medication to help me get back to a place of stability. I am a HUGE fan of medication for this purpose. It had a way of taking the edge off, giving me back some control of my thoughts, preventing the spiral from continuing. it has made all the difference in the world for me, and now, simply knowing that it is an option should I need it, life seems so much more manageable.

You are a beautiful person, Katie, and I feel so lucky that I get to read your writings. I hope that time brings you some comfort and relief from your crazy swirling thoughts.

*Jelena* said...

I am a worrier too, but I definitely try to control it. I read books on how not to worry, google, I even put the so called ancient Mayan dolls under my pillow that are supposed to take my worries. The point is to fight it. We mustn't give in and surrender.

serenity said...

I do this too. I'm ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to fall. Have been most of my life.

You're not alone.

xoxo

Amanda said...

I'm a huge worrier too. You aren't alone at all. I can't help it, but thank god my husband is super positive. I think we manage to balance eachother out...

someday-soon said...

I've had a lot of time managing anxiety in my life. For me regular exercise and focusing on the wonder of everyday things (the sun shining, a new flower in the garden, etc) has really helped. The sad truth about life is that bad things happen...but the good things make it worth while. However, the good things are only good if they are savored!

Geochick said...

It sucks, vent away!

KT said...

I'm a BIG worrier. My mind automatically races to the worst thing possible. And even before we started trying, I worried that we were going to have problems. Surprise! We are!

*sigh* That is why we have blogs, right? :-)

L said...

Oh my gosh, I can totally relate. I worry all the time, mainly about things that I can't control or in the overall scheme of life don't matter. It's a never ending cycle for me. I read a book about Women Who Think Too Much and it was very interesting, but it didn't really help me stop worrying. Hoping something really great happens for you soon!

mommie-to-be said...

I wish I had the answer, but if you find out please let me know, because I seem to be in the same boat!

Dawn said...

I think this is more of a woman thing. Like we're always planning for the worst thing to happen!

I think it is even worse when you have had many bad things happen. I have been trying to live more in the moment nowadays.

Serendipitie said...

You and I, we are lot alike. I have a lot of missing satisfaction in my life as well. I am a worrier and a pessimist and I just want one thing to go right in my life. They tell me that happiness is all in how to look at things, so I try to be positive.

Jen Has A Pen said...

I totally understand how you feel. I'm not much of a worrier, but IF has certainly brought it out of me.

I hope your luck changes soon. And when it does, I hope you are able to not question it and just accept it because you deserve it. :-)

Arlyne said...

you are definitely NOT the only person like this - I am definitely the same way! I simply cannot believe that everything will work out for me, & most of the time, I'm right. For instance, since I have a great marriage to a wonderful man, childbearing had to be an incredibly difficult struggle for me, & now that I have a child, I lost my mom & can't share it with her, so I'm right again.

Anyway...did not mean to go on about me, just wanted you to know that you are not alone! I wish I knew how to turn off the anxiety too! Sending you lots of love & hugs!! xoxo