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Thursday, December 16, 2010

strength

A little over a month ago, while we were up in Knoxville visiting my awesome SIL and her boyfriend, Joey bought me a necklace that reads "Strength."

It was supposed to bring me strength during a time when I needed it most. But lately, I don't feel strong. I just feel weak, lonely, and sad. I'm trying my best to pour my heart and energy (what's left of it, anyway) into positive things:

A few weeks ago, we started - slowly - clearing out to closet to what will be the nursery. We think that putting together the nursery in the first half of 2011 will be a good way for us to work on something that's actually within our control. It's strange for me to be starting a nursery with no idea as to when or how a baby will get to us. But I feel like this is the one positive thing we can do right now that relates to our infertility (that and save money for the adoption, of course).

We also picked a country: we are 100% decided on domestic adoption.

I am now the Education Coordinator for our local RESOLVE chapter, and I agreed to organize two speaker meetings this year. One will be a men's panel and the other will be an adoption panel. I'm excited for the opportunity to organize both, and I hope we have a good turnout.

And do you remember my post a few weeks ago about my fear with Danica and a new baby in the house? Well, on Sunday we had the chance to host one of my best friends and her husband, their little doggy, and their 4-month-old baby boy. We couldn't keep Danica away from the baby. She LOVED him. She wanted to lay next to him constantly and give him kisses. It was amazing. The few times he fussed, she was so concerned and went to check on him. She impressed (and relieved) me with her behavior. She'll have another "test" next weekend when our nephew comes to stay with us. This might be a little different because our nephew is old enough to walk and is more vocal - and, if you'll remember, her main fear is of toddlers. But, I hope that the training and her recent exposure to little people will help her with her fears.

So, that's it. Those are my positives. That's all I've got.

32 comments:

Melissa G said...

Positives indeed. It sounds like you are making lots of progress, and even if you're not 100% behind it, I think the positive outlook/motives are the way to go.

Hang in there!

manymanymoons said...

Yay, we can go through the domestic adoption paperwork (hell) together! The thought of it is so daunting isn't it.

I think the nursery idea is a good one. Good for you for taking positive steps.

Princess Andy said...

it could be the holidays making everything magnify for you?

sometimes all the extra happy and joy at this time of year is too much to take...personally i want to punch (mostly figuratively) joyeux noel! people in the face.

but probably that's because my meds are a bit messed up...so now i get to play with adjusting psychotropic drugs over christmas.

awesome.

keep your chin up and hold onto those positive thoughts...no matter how few...you seem to be a wonderfully resilient woman.

love and kindness:)

andrea

Willow said...

I love that necklace! And I love that you are starting work on the nursery! (the only thing I allowed myself to do before Bonsai's arrival was pick out a really cute gender neutral bedding set--but that meant that we didn't get the nursery really finished until a couple of weeks ago, so I think your way is a better way to go!) Also, I'm really excited that you're doing domestic adoption! I am so happy we went that route (though I think we will adopt internationally at some point as well) I think it's wonderful that you're so involved with RESOLVE! And I know it's hard right now to be excited but you are taking really positive steps forward, onto the path to your baby!

Stephanie said...

You are definitely making positive steps toward the future :) How exciting to plan the nursery, it'll be a great reminder that your baby is coming and their room will be ready and waiting for them. And yay for Danica! So happy to hear she did so well with a babe. I know I'm partial, I just think pups know and sense things. Hope everything else is going well for you guys too :)

Crossed Fingers said...

Congrats on your position with RESOLVE! That's fantastic news. I can't wait to hear more about your panels. And I love that you're working on the nursery, also a great move.

Rebecca said...

The necklace is great, what you're doing for RESOLVE is awesome and I'm so glad things are going well so far with Danica's trials.

I think your plans with the nursery are great. And, I think you're strong than you know.

someday-soon said...

Strength ebbs and flows...so hopefully it's just resting getting ready to pick up again soon.

The nursey is a wonderful idea. A friend of mine only got 48 hrs notice that she would be bringing home her little one. So having the nursery ready is not only a fun project to keep you busy but will hopefully put nerves to rest about any go-time issues.

So happy Danica did well with your friends baby!

Alex said...

This all sounds very positive. I love that necklace, and I think you have a lot more strength than you give yourself credit for...

Congrats on being the Education Coordinator - I'm so impressed!

myTTCstory said...

Nice to read a lovely, positive post! Sounds like you're very busy with Resolve and doing something really worthwhile.

Please post some pics of the nursery when you're done!

AplusB said...

You're doing great. Positive steps, even little ones, are good things. I love that you are giving back to the IF community through your volunteering with Resolve. The community needs more people like you!

serenity said...

I've found that strength isn't about FEELING strong. It's about taking steps forward when you feel sad, and weak, and tired. It's about finding small positives where you can.

You may not feel strong, but you are. I'm just saying.

Hugs and love. Holidays are hard. But I have a good feeling about 2011 for you and your husband.

xoxo

Secret Sloper said...

Those are really great positives, Katie, and I pray so ardently that you have many more coming your way in 2011.

Browniris said...

I think that it is great that you have chosen domestic adoption and have decided to start on the nursery. I wish that we had started on ours earlier! I also love that you are working with Resolve; what a great way to help and serve others. Let me know if you have any questions about adoption...we have had such a great experience, and I would love to try and answer any questions that you may have.

Jen said...

I agree that the IF community needs more people like you, and I also think you are a lot stronger than you think. Admitting you are feeling down isn't a weakness, someo would argue just the opposite! I would :)

Yay for Danica!!

Kelly said...

Katie, my wonderful friend. I know you may not be able to see them or even feel them, but these are huge positives. YOU are a huge positive. Truly. I wish you knew how much I admire you.

You are always in my thoughts.

Rach said...

So exciting you chose domestic adoption. Very nice necklace.

PCOSChick said...

So glad Danica did well, that is awesome!

I remember feeling odd starting the nursery with no idea of when we would become parents. But it is a good step, a healthy step.

I am so happy things are coming together for you & you are strong, stronger than you think you are!

Adele said...

You ARE strong. But it's only human to feel a bit trampled once in awhile:( Great news on the adoption front - full steam ahead.

Our dog loves babies but was scared witless of my toddler niece. But the more he sees her, the more comfortable he becomes. So glad the visit went well, and good luck with the toddler visit!

Kakunaa said...

These are great positives! I am proud of you. It can be so hard to put forth that effort, and you are doing a fantastic job! I love the plans, and glad Danica is liking the little ones :)

Lindsay said...

Love the positives and the necklace :)

Dawn said...

Congrats on your position with RESOLVE!

I love the necklace, but you don't have to be strong all of the time. Sometimes you just have to endure the crab being thrown at you until you can pick yourself back up again.

Yay for Danica! Good puppy!

Leslie said...

I am sorry you are feeling this way! I hope that focusing on the positives and putting together the nursery help! Hope Danica does spectacular next weekend too!!

Another Dreamer said...

I have my own moments off and on. Sometimes I feel like we can do this, but most of the time I feel like I'm at the foot of a giant mountain and have yet to take the first step to climbing it. Sometimes having strength doesn't mean feeling strong, it just means that you have it in you to face the next day. That you keep putting your foot one in front of the other. Hang in there.

And I agree with others, the holidays are normally not a big helper on our emotions. Lots of (*hugs*)

S.I.F. said...

I've been having a really difficult time focusing on the positives lately too friend. Some days, it just feels like too much. But you did good here, and there are some big positives there! I honestly am so tired of looking at the empty room that was meant to be my nursery. I'm kind of envious that you will soon have yours set up...

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I'm glad you're making some decisions and seeing some positives, even if it feels difficult or slow. Hang in there. This will get better, you are on the way to a new, great possibility. I hope that 2011 will be a wonderful year for you!

lowfatlady said...

Love that necklace. I think you are strong. You keep going and get through each day even with all the if crap. So glad your pup did well with the baby ;)

Jennifer @ What Would Jen Do said...

we've decided on adoption as well. I am too tired to go thru another IVF with my crappy eggs. I don't know when we are going to start, but i am really glad to know that you are going to go thru this soon as well. like my mentor!

myinfertilitywoes said...

Positives can be hard to come by so I appreciate you even saying that they're hard right now. They have been for me too. The more we try to share them with each other, the more it can create a positive cycle, though, so thank you.

I love your idea on making the nursery even though you don't know yet. You've inspired me to do the same!! Seriously, I want to feel like I have control too!!

Sending you positive (((hugs)))

maura said...

dont judge D if he's not as receptive to the walking nephew..it will be different with YOUR baby bc it will be a gradual process, not just BAM a walker!

I love to hear you got so involved in Resolve. I keep looking at the site and not too sure what to do with it, honestly. I am impressed :)

Clearing out and starting the nursery is a BIG step-you should be proud. Just because you don't know who or how it will be filled, trust it WILL be!! sending you positivity and strength. xoxo

Trisha said...

That's awesome! I'm so happy for you! We felt that same peace as we started picking out things and making a plan. Let me know if you have any questions!

erika said...

You are making some big steps forward! that already means strength! I am excited and happy for you!
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Awwwww))) for Danica. That story made me smile.