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Thank you for all of your support over the years! xo

Saturday, October 2, 2010

wake me up when 2010 ends

Today is October 2, 2010. There are 90 days remaining in the year 2010.

You begin the year by saying, "This is it. This is the year I'm going to beat IF." You resolve that this is the year you will get pregnant. This is the year you will end the roller coaster. This may even be the year you bring your baby home.

And then, in the blink of an eye, it's all gone. Another year and still an empty womb.

I remember standing in my mom's kitchen, champagne in hand. I toasted my mom and my husband, and I watched the ball drop in Times Square through misty eyes. This will be the year, I thought.

It wasn't.

I tried. I tried to be positive. I tried to be hopeful. I tried surgery. I tried new drugs. I tried a new doctor. I tried to fight.

Then, with nearly half the year under my belt, I boarded a plane to New York and left my hopes and dreams sitting in an airport bathroom at Orlando International Airport. I'd had enough. I threw in the towel. Maybe I was a stupid, fucking quitter. Or maybe this was the step I needed to save my sanity.

Some days, I'm still unsure.

There are 90 days left before the New Year, and though I'm willing to say that this year was a little better than last, I'm still eager to give 2010 to finger - gone are my dreams, gone is part of my breast, and gone is yet another piece of my heart that I fear I'll never recover.

I hope that these next 90 days fly by. The less time spent enduring commercials about baby's first Christmas and another holiday season as the lonely infertile, the better off I will be. Because at the end, on day #90, I can plaster a genuine smile across my face, raise my glass, regain my confidence, and say, "Fuck you, infertility. THIS will be the year I get my miracle."

And maybe this time, I'll be right.

25 comments:

Secret Sloper said...

This will be the third News Years I make that promise. I really, really hope it is the last for both of us.

lis said...

I feel every emotion in this post as if it were my own. I hope the cycle of frustration, helplessness and hope ends in a 2011 baby for you. And I know all too well the desire for the cycles to just be over already. Best of luck, my friend. Xoxo Lis

Kelly said...

I was just thinking about how much I was dreading New Year's this year again and reflecting on last year, with a similar toast and moment with Jason like you described.

Maybe though, just maybe, being sucessful isn't about bringing home a baby. Maybe you can score a "w" for beating IF by not letting it destroy you.

If that's the case, you have a fantastic record. You may not have had a baby in 2010, but you're made grown and done so much.

Baby bump bound said...

Oh how this post hits home! I am almost tired of toasting to "getting pregnant this year" every frickin year... for the past 4!! Once in awhile you come across someone in these blogs that hits you to your core, speaks a truth that resonates, writes the very words you think, but never say out-loud. You are that person for me and I wish I knew you IRL, coz I know we'd be good friends :)
I am hoping, wishing and screaming for you... someone has to hear our prayers... someone, anyone!?!?

Leslie said...

I am so sorry that 2010 has not been what you wished for. I am hoping and praying that 2011 brings you all your wishes and dreams.

The Steffens said...

F** you, 2010! 2011 is going to be your year!

You are not a quitter, btw. You're an amazing, strong woman that has battled more than I think I ever could. You're amazing!

Michaela said...

Hi! I found your blog through Single Infertile Female: Now What? and wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award.

Michaela

Anna said...

Amen, sister. I have tried to stop telling myself that same thing for each holiday this year.....M's day, birthday, anniversary....it's just not fair.

I'm only saying said...

Hugs.. sometimes there isn't the words, but I know how hard it is for time to go by..

S.I.F. said...

I couldn't agree with you more on this one!

I remember last year thinking "This year has been a POS! I can't wait for a new year! 2010 is going to be better!"

Ummm... yeah... I'm ready for 2011 too!

womb for improvement said...

I get this feeling every April when I realise that I'm not going to have a baby that year: http://womb4improvement.blogspot.com/2010/04/happy-new-year.html

And I've written off this year too.

2011? Shall we do it?

Kakunaa said...

HUGS. Here is to a better 2011. I am hoping like crazy for you.

MelissaP05 said...

I feel your pain, I'm about fed up with 2010 too. I pray for both of us that 2011 will finally be the year.

What Would Jen Do (jennifer) said...

yeah i thought that this year would be better than last year and the year before. turns out it just sucks worse. so much for my theory that even years are lucky for me.

Marica said...

each year for Christmas we have a dinner with some other friends.. and every year each of us plan a new goal to be achieved by next Christmas dinner... oh, it's so frustrating for me never get my goal :-(

good luck!

Rebecca said...

Yep. 2010 has basically sucked and i don't see it getting better in the next 90 days. I really hope 2011 finally does.

Jennifer said...

Yes, I second that Fuck you to 2010...definitely not what I was hoping for, here's to a better new year for all of us.

conceptionallychallenged said...

You're not a quitter. Saving your sanity is more important sometimes.
I so hope that our New Year's hopes come true in 2011. Thinking of you.

Kaitlin (ahmymarriedlife) said...

I really hope next year is your year. You deserve it love. <3

I hope it's the year for both of us!

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

Oh. how I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. I remember toasting my husband on New Year's and saying, "THIS is our year." How naive. I guess it was me just being overly optimistic that all we needed was a little Femara or Clomid and then, bam, we'd be pregnant just like everyone else we know.

Cheers to 2011. There's gotta be better things for all of us, hopefully bringing a baby home. xo

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I know exactly how you are feeling, I am so sorry. I try to let go of dates now, but it's still hard as our TTC anniversary looms large. I hope your dreams come true SOON.

Dawn said...

Here's to a much better 2011! You deserve it!

Wade's World said...

You are amazing. xoxo

Astrid said...

I hope the days fly for you and that you enjoy the champagne and that the commercials are mercifully baby-free. And more than anything I hope that 2011 is your year.

Moby said...

This post made me cry..Im right there with you, this will be my 4th year... maybe one day we can be the success stories.