Tuesday, October 5, 2010

dreams in reality

When I was in college, I had this idea in my head that I would go off to New York City and be a big-shot editor in the publishing industry. My first step was to get a job at a top publishing house out of college. I did that. Granted, it wasn't in the division or city I'd hoped for, but it was still with one of the big six. I would stay there and work my way to the top before leaving to become a full-time writer and compose my first best-selling novel. (I had a large imagination in college.)

Then, I was diagnosed with infertility.

Something changed that day and in the weeks and months that followed. I realized work wasn't everything, and being on top of the world was not going to stop me from wanting a baby. No amount of power in my job would heal the pain in my heart or in my womb. I knew that I wasn't cut out to be top dog. And I wasn't cut out to write fiction. Every time I sat down to write, all I could think about was my empty uterus.

I became a different person through the infertility process, and slowly, I began to realize my true dream: motherhood. Gone are the grandiose images of me walking the streets of New York, manuscript in hand. In its place are dreams of me working at a university or a museum or a library and coming home to the words, "Hi, mom."

So, today, I say good-bye to my past. I say good-bye to publishing - at least for now. I say good-bye to the girl who wanted to be an editor and best-selling novelist. I say hello to the woman who still wants to work, but who also wants to raise a child . . .  and write a book about infertility. Okay, so maybe the big imagination part of me is still the same. But being on top of the world has changed. Because I know there aren't bestselling books and a corporate career waiting for me. Instead, it's a baby.

And I'll do whatever it takes to get to that peak.

31 comments:

Hayley said...

Apparently great minds think alike. I was going to suggest you write a book about infertility, until I read the last paragraph. Love you, and can't wait to see you on Thursday!

Cheryl said...

I just love this post. It actually gave me chills. Your writing is amazing and I think I speak for so many when I tell you that we want and need for you to write that book. In the meantime, FX'd that those words "Hi, Mom" come very soon or at least some cooing at the very least.

Stephanie said...

You should totally write a book, you are an amazing writer! I love seeing that you have a new post up, it just makes my day :) You're an inspiration to all of us and especially me for seeing things change and taking the bull by the proverbial horns and doing something instead of just talking about it!

Willow said...

I had that exact same dream! I did move to NYC after college and work at a top publishing house before the husband's job moved us to LA (where there's not so much of a publishing industry). But yeah, I know what you mean about career path and dreams being derailed by infertility. I spent so much of the time intended for writing on trips to the doctor or researching treatments online or working on adoption paperwork or chatting on IF message boards. I still do, to some extent, though it's gotten better since we adopted. And yet, I'm struggling with this all over again, as my husband thinks perhaps we should wait to adopt again so I can focus more on my career, and I am completely unwilling to prioritize anything, ever again, over the family I dream of. You are a fantastic writer and I do think you can do both. It's hard when so much of your mental space is consumed by IF to find the time and creativity to write a novel, but I believe in that dream, for both of us. It's hard to cope with all the ways infertility changes us from the people we thought we were. But I have to hope that in the end, we will end up as the people we were meant to be.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

You defiantly need to write an IF book...you are so supportive to everyone on your blog and with a book out there you can help so many others along the way!

someday-soon said...

I so look forward to following you on your journey to the peak! Your writing is wonderful so I hope you write a book...about whatever topic =)

Rach said...

Your writing is great. I would read your book for sure!

I can totally relate. I use to want to be a partner at a CPA firm and have a big house and lots of money and travel. Well, I'd trade my job, traveling, money, and my big house for a baby any day!

Marla said...

You should totally write that book. Seriously, there are a ton of people that would buy it. Tons! Look at all the people who just read IF blogs but don't have blogs of their own. Clearly, there's a need for IF books. You should do it. And I'll come to your book launch. ;p

Alex said...

Beatiful post. I would love to read your book!!! You should do that!

The Steffens said...

You absolutely SHOULD write a book about infertility. I think you are a wonderful writer and have great perspective. Whatever you write will be WAY better than anything I've found out there.

S.I.F. said...

You are incredible, and I am telling you... I have so been there where everything suddenly changes because of infertility.

I cannot wait to read your book!

Rita said...

You need to write a book on infertility. It would become a must-have for every IFer out there. You're so gifted at putting into words the pain, heartache, and emotions of infertility.

FWIW, I think your dream for the future is so beautiful.

Jessica said...

I totally think you should write a book about infertility...I will buy it!!

Kelly said...

I'm glad that you came to the realization that you did and took steps to move in that direction, rather than get stuck like so many do.

If you want to throw in a chapter of RPL, let me know. :)

In all seriousness, I can think of very few people who would be able to author a book on IF that infertiles get yet would make fertiles really, really think.

Amanda said...

I'd buy a book you wrote Katie!! You are awesome.....and I know that you will reach the peak and be a Mom someday!!

nobabyruth said...

What a beautiful post. The way I see it is that we just never know where life will take us. It may be that you've put those dreams on a shelf for now (or perhaps all the way down in a box in the basement) but there may well come a day when you actually get to have that book published and your gorgeous children will be there to celebrate with you!

Chels said...

You've got one more reader of your future infertility book! Hope your new dreams come true.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

The "Hi, Mom" part almost broke my heart. It's odd how we work for years towards a career and then notice that actually, what we really want is something else? Something that we have to work hard for while it comes easily for others... but that's a different topic?
BTW, have you read Alexa's book, "Half Baked"? She also wants to be an author (well, I guess now she is) and struggled with infertility.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

One of the ?s should have been a . (still early over here).

Iam veRONIque said...

Reading your post brought back my self esteem and confidence. YOu are an inspiration to me to keep on fighting and will be praying that one day soon our little angel will come. All the best. God Bless/

Rebecca said...

I cannot wait to read any book you write, Katie. You're incredible.

Kakunaa said...

Do it! You know you will have followes and supporters the whole way :) make it fund your baby dreams! HUGS.

Shannon Mac said...

Well, hello then :)

Secret Sloper said...

I completely relate. I had (have?) the same dreams: novel writing, career, and family whenever it fit in. But now the family is so much more important than anything else and I can't find the emotional space to write when so much of my life is taken up with sadness.

But I still believe I'll get published one day, and I believe the same for you, too!

serenity said...

Oh sister, I SO hear you.

Ten years ago, I graduated with my MBA and the KNOWLEDGE that I was going to be a CEO one day.

Today? I'm struggling with the amount of time my 9-6 job takes from my family. I'm mulling over a career move that would essentially render my MBA, my masters in accounting, and my CPA useless.

But at the end of the day? If it's best for my family, then it's going to be totally worth it.

So I am WHOLLY behind you on this move. :)

xoxo

T said...

Put me down for one of the first copies of your book on infertility!!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I can completely relate to this; I had such big career goals and infertility brought them crashing down. I am just happy to have what I have now, maybe the big plans will come later. Being a mommy was more important than all of it, and still is.

Kandid Kelli said...

I'll buy your book... i'll wait outside the bookstore at 1159!!!

Im excited about Thurs

xo
-K

jensays (what would jen do) said...

i'll make you sign my copy of your book and then tell everyone how i know you

Dawn said...

I think any book that you would write would be amazing!

Adele said...

Dreams change. Sometimes that’s hard, but I think it’s almost always good. I like the new dream (and think that you can combine it with elements of the old one!)