After I peed on the FRER and got the negative last night, it took all I had not to fly into a complete rage and break the original test from that morning into tiny little pieces. Instead, I just threw it in the trash. The last thing I needed was that faint blue line screaming at me any longer.
Outwardly, I am calm.
Internally, I am hysterical.
To a few of you, what I am about to write won’t be a surprise. You already knew because I told you. But to the rest of you: We really thought I was pregnant. I spotted at 10 dpo (Monday)—it was very light, brown spotting. I thought, “Maybe this is it. Maybe this is finally my time.” That, coupled with my irritability, fatigue, nasal congestion, and strange cramping, made me more than hopeful. It made me believe.
Then Wednesday, I felt the strangest feeling ever in my uterus. I was driving home from work and the pain/feeling was so intense, I thought I was going to have to pull over the car.
In hindsight, maybe that was my uterus giving me the middle finger.
I will never know what that second line was. A faulty test? A chemical pregnancy? And it’s a waste of my time to keep wondering. This morning, I have a menstrual migraine. My cramps are intense. And my cervix has dropped considerably. The bitch is coming.
I am sad. I am angry. I am feeling like a whiny, selfish child. When is it going to be OUR turn? Why don’t our family and friends care about US and what we are going through? Why does God hate US?
God. Is there even a God? And, if there is, it seems like all he does lately is take away babies from people I love and deny babies to those who deserve it most. I don’t even try to talk to him anymore. Because I feel like he is standing up there saying, “What do you want me to do about it? I don’t really give a shit. Get that through your head, girl. Now let me go help some teenager get knocked up so she can end up on an episode of 16 and Pregnant.”
There were moments last night when I felt like throwing in the towel. I thought about it again on the way to work this morning. And then, I turned off the radio, plugged in my iPhone, and pressed “shuffle” on my iPod.
The first song was, “Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty:
Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No, I'll stand my ground
Won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground
And I won't back down
I won't back down
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I'll stand my ground
And I won't back down
Well I know what's right
I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down
No, I won't back down
If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.
So I guess the only thing left to do is move forward. If my period is on time, cycle #25 should start on Sunday and IUI #4 would fall around May 14. The end of my 2WW would be on our anniversary trip to New York City.
There are only two more shots at this—two more IUIs before IVF. I want to vomit.
Instead, I’ll stand my ground.
And I won’t back down.