Friday, April 30, 2010

stand me up at the gates of hell

After I peed on the FRER and got the negative last night, it took all I had not to fly into a complete rage and break the original test from that morning into tiny little pieces. Instead, I just threw it in the trash. The last thing I needed was that faint blue line screaming at me any longer.

Outwardly, I am calm.

Internally, I am hysterical.

To a few of you, what I am about to write won’t be a surprise. You already knew because I told you. But to the rest of you: We really thought I was pregnant. I spotted at 10 dpo (Monday)—it was very light, brown spotting. I thought, “Maybe this is it. Maybe this is finally my time.” That, coupled with my irritability, fatigue, nasal congestion, and strange cramping, made me more than hopeful. It made me believe.

Then Wednesday, I felt the strangest feeling ever in my uterus. I was driving home from work and the pain/feeling was so intense, I thought I was going to have to pull over the car.

In hindsight, maybe that was my uterus giving me the middle finger.

I will never know what that second line was. A faulty test? A chemical pregnancy? And it’s a waste of my time to keep wondering. This morning, I have a menstrual migraine. My cramps are intense. And my cervix has dropped considerably. The bitch is coming.

I am sad. I am angry. I am feeling like a whiny, selfish child. When is it going to be OUR turn? Why don’t our family and friends care about US and what we are going through? Why does God hate US?

God. Is there even a God? And, if there is, it seems like all he does lately is take away babies from people I love and deny babies to those who deserve it most. I don’t even try to talk to him anymore. Because I feel like he is standing up there saying, “What do you want me to do about it? I don’t really give a shit. Get that through your head, girl. Now let me go help some teenager get knocked up so she can end up on an episode of 16 and Pregnant.”

There were moments last night when I felt like throwing in the towel. I thought about it again on the way to work this morning. And then, I turned off the radio, plugged in my iPhone, and pressed “shuffle” on my iPod.

The first song was, “Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty:

Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

No, I'll stand my ground
Won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground
And I won't back down

I won't back down
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I'll stand my ground
And I won't back down

Well I know what's right
I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

No, I won't back down

If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.

So I guess the only thing left to do is move forward. If my period is on time, cycle #25 should start on Sunday and IUI #4 would fall around May 14. The end of my 2WW would be on our anniversary trip to New York City.

There are only two more shots at this—two more IUIs before IVF. I want to vomit.

Instead, I’ll stand my ground.
And I won’t back down.


Britt said...

I am so sorry you hare having such a rough day. Please keep your chin up and DON'T give up!

Doogie said...

I could have written this. When is your blood test? My REs office drags me in regardless of anything else.

Doogie said...

Sorry about the second post.
My mom asked me last night if I'd considered hiring a surrogate. I told her I'd hate anyone I hired.

"They could be very nice women who are doing this out of a sincere desire to help people who can't have children."

"I don't care. I would be so angry and jealous and resentful that they could carry my baby and I couldn't that I would hate them. It would be bad."
(but yes, I've considered it. I still think my best consideration was to whore it up for awhile and see if that worked. It seems to for everyone else. :( )

WannabeMom said...

I wish I could do or say something to make this better but there's nothing. I am so sorry.

Crossed Fingers said...

I'm so sorry - I think we've all been there, wondering if we should just stop or keep pushing forward. It's always a battle - with your mind, your heart, your uti. You fight and fight and fight and keep getting up for more.

I have hopes for your next cycle, even if you don't right now. *hugs*

Jessica said...

I know exactly how you feel. I remember feeling ill at the thought of IVF too. I hope you don't have to go that route, and you get pregnant soon.

Hang in there!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I am so sorry, it's even more disappointing when you had hoped for it. Are you going in for a blood test still?

I would tell them about it. I ended up having a chemical I discovered through POAS. I doubt you were dreaming these things.

Keep standing your ground.

Kim said...

It really sounds to me that you had a chemical pregnancy. And I know that doesn't make it any better, it doesn't, but perhaps it will help ease your mind knowing that you had every right to believe you were pregnant this cycle. Sometimes I fell crazy, but looking back, I am convinced I was pregnant those cycles, whether I have a baby to show for it or not.

I hope your day gets better, and I don't believe in coincidences, so that song came on because it's what you needed at that very moment. You know what you need to do...just get right back up on tha horse, when your feeling better. You will get there, you WILL get there. xoxoxoxoxox

Ashley said...

I am so sorry. :( I was really hoping this was it for you. And I think that song is a sign. :)

Anonymous said...

I know how it feels to entertain the feeling of pregnancy hope. And I know how it feels when I see that I was wrong, again. My hope gets quieter and quieter, but it still burns strong.

Do not give up. That is all I ask; please. I know it's hard, and unfair.

It took me until the age of 39 to finally have my son; and if I hadnt tried, he wouldnt be here.

GIANT HUG from someone who knows the feelings,
M : )

Katie said...

I am so sorry. Its such a hard thing to go through!! I hate it, I hate that its changed my life, my way of thinking, my faith has wavered. Its so so hard.
I won't think of that Tom Petty song the same way again. :)


someday-soon said...

Sorry hon {{{HUGS}}} Maybe you can treat yourself to some flowers, chocolate or wine...or heck, all three sound perfect!

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel and I am so sorry you are going through this. I struggled with infertility and had to do IVF and I constantly wondered why God does this to people who really want babies, but gives them to people who don't want them. It doesn't make sense and infertility is the shittiest thing to go through. It is so exhausting going through all the feelings of hope and utter despair and wondering if it will ever happen for you. I went on to have a baby through IVF, but I still silently curse people who get pregnant so easy. I guess you just get hardened when you go through so much and have to work so hard to get it. I hope you get your chance to be a Mom and I truly am sorry that it didn't work out for you this time.

liberalgranolagirl said...

*huge hugs* I remember having the hope that I was preg when I had a false + (not saying that's what yours was). WHen I wasn't it was awful. We are about to start the IVF process, I remember feeling physically nauseous when P and I first talked about it. Infertility is the hardest damn thing that I've ever been through and I wish that none of us ever had to go through this pain.

Basic Girl said...

Oh Katie I'm so sorry. Its almost impossible not to get caught up in the hope bubble, and then it pops in your effing face and the cycle continues. A person can only take so much, and it sucks that any of us has to go through this month after month. I do wonder if it could have been a chemical, and I know from having at least one that I did find some hope that my body was trying. Hang in there hun, and just know I'm hoping with everything I got for you!!!

Arlyne said...

I felt the same way after my last failed IVF a few weeks ago. I had cramping, was throwing up daily, & could barely keep my eyes open. the implanted 3 healthy looking embryos in my uterus dammit! How could I not be pg??!!! I hate God too, for giving babies to all the druggies & people that can't or won't take care of them!!!

WE will not back down, though! we will have everything we've wanted so badly for so long. just because the road is long, does not mean we won't get there! we'll do it together, & I believe that our time is coming. Hang in there! I'm right there beside you! (((HUGS)))!

Ashley said...

Johnny Cash's version of that song is pretty amazing too. It makes me feel edgy and maybe a little emo. lol
SO SORRY that you are feeling this way. Wish I knew something better to say....
Hang in there.

Dear Diary said...

I'm so sorry that it came back negative. I know exactly how you feel I have been there 6 times. But know that GOD is with you he would never leave you alone. Google this and read it "Footprints in the sand". I'm praying for you! Big hug!!

Dawn said...

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. You are so deserving of receiving good news!

JC said...

I'm really sorry Katie. And super sorry you had such good symptoms that made you really think this was it. It sucks to have that mindf* happen. It sucks so bad to have such high hopes and then in an instant they come crashing down. =( I really want this for you. It's ok if you feel hysterical right now, it'll get better. And you are one strong woman, I know this! I'm praying your BFP will come. Hope you have a good weekend. ((hugs))

Secret Sloper said...

Blue dye tests have a higher rate of false positives than other tests, but the reason for this doesn't really matter, right? What matters is your frustration and anger and hopelessness, all of which make sense--all of which we've shared, too, at one time or another.

I have to hope that there are good things in store for you, and blessings you can't even imagine yet, because I have to hope the same for myself.

Erin said...

Oh Katie, this just sucks. Why does it always seem like these things happen so often to IFers. It's so awful. I hope you start to feel better soon!

Al said...

I'm sorry, Katie. This just sucks, it's so cruel. I was so hopeful that this was your turn too.


I hope the weekend brings you some peace.

A said...

I could have sworn I commented on this post this morning! I'm so sorry about the BFN. Will be praying that your next IUI will be "the one"!!

Bean stalk ballads said...

katie my darling. I am sorry. I am so friggin sorry and you are right that it is not ok and that faint line just messes with you... I know. I had one. Once. Right here hon.

Crossing My Fingers said...

Wow! You must've looked right inside my mind.

S.I.F. said...

I can't tell you how many times I have hit shuffle on my ipod and told myself that the next song to play will be the one to guide me through whatever is going on.

And it is ALWAYS something I really need to hear.

I'm not going to lie, I've convinced myself that God speaks to me through music.

I'm totally not insane, I promise! I'm just saying; Don't back down! Ever! I am so sorry for the false alarm, but I do believe some day soon it will be for real... I really do.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. But I agree that that song must have been a sign and I'm glad it renewed your will to keep fighting. ((big hugs))

micgruber said...

Trying to conceive month after month seem like an impossible and often times undesirable situation. Please remind yourself that it is normal to feel a range of emotions: anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, blame and sadness. You need to continue utilizing your blog supporters who are your support group and talking to women undergoing similar experiences as you know this can help in allaying some of the stress. Have you ever talked to an infertility counsellor? A message that keeps coming up is DON'T GIVE UP!

erika said...

I wish I could be there and give you a hug in IRL.
I believe in signs, and I believe we will make it through this rain. It's hurtful and unfair and it's hard to understand why it has to be that way, but I am here with you, Girl! and we'll make it through!!!
Much love your ways.

AplusB said...

I'm so sorry for the negative. But you responded well, I think 2 more tries will definitely bring you success before you have to start thinking about IVF. Fingers crossed it just takes one more try.
Great song...I need to listen to that one!

Kakunaa said...

My iPod does the same type of thing to me....they KNOW things. I'm so sorry, hon....

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. I wish there were something more I could say. This is just awful.

Just when you sound like you're at the end of your rope, somehow, and out of somewhere, you dig deep and come out on top. Can you tell me how to do that, please? I admire your strength so much.

Waiting Lisa said...

Beautiful post, as always.

Sometimes I think I am numb and hardened to it all and then I come here and read a post from you and tears come so easily.

Well said.

Love and *hugs*