"There are many of us who have gone through IF who do not live under it's cloud for the rest of our days."
Huh. Do I live under a cloud?
I don't think I do.
No, no. I definitely don't. "Infertility is not a cloud under which I live my life. Infertility is a disease with which I have been diagnosed - one that I feel the affects of daily and one that does not have a cure. I do not live under anything. I live WITH it, I embrace it, and, when possible, I use it to try to make a difference in the lives of others."
But no. No. Fuck that. I don't want to end my rant there.
I am not a pawn in infertility's game.
I may have been at one time. In fact, I know I was. I let it run my life. I let it control every aspect of who I was and what I did. I used it as an excuse, a crutch.
But at some point, I took over the reigns. I took control of it. And it had nothing to do with me becoming a parent. In fact, it happened long before that. It wasn't an instantaneous change. It was gradual. First, writing my blog. Then, sharing it. Volunteering. Writing letters. Advocating. Supporting. Asking questions of my doctors. Every time I projected my voice, I was beating my disease. Every time I wrote or spoke or acted, I was giving infertility a swift kick in the balls.
So to speak.
You'd realize this if you were a regular reader of my blog, "Kelly." You would know that I don't live under a cloud.
Instead, I practically control the weather.
It's the ONE thing I can do. I can't take away my disease. I can't provide cures or give children to the millions of men and women whose lives it devastates. But I can use it. I can use it for good. I can use it to empower myself, others. I can use it to hopefully make a difference in the lives of future generations. So maybe they won't have to jump through the same hoops I did to receive treatment or become a parent.
Instead of leaving my past behind, I can carry it with me - not as baggage. Not as a box of leftover feelings of sadness and pain. No. I can carry it with me and use it as a platform. I can place my feet on that box and stand tall, knowing that I've conquered this journey. That I would have conquered it with or without parenthood waiting for me at the finish line.
The question is, can you say the same about yourself?