Wednesday, August 28, 2013

choices

Maybe I was a little harsh to Anonymous Mom. Calling her pathetic. Assuming she should be happy. Calling her worse behind closed doors. After all, I have no idea who this woman is. I don't know her from Jane Doe. She could be as sweet as my next-door neighbor.

Blame my hormones?

I was angry reading the article and yesterday's post was my instant reaction. It was hard not to get angry about it as someone who went through so much to become a parent and who still has many friends still fighting to get there. It was hard not to get angry as a parent whose child had medical issues at birth - who would have given her left arm for her baby to experience something as simple as colic instead of the pain she endured in the NICU.

I'm still a little angry. I don't think that's a wrong emotion for me, or anyone else in the ALI community, to experience. When you put your story out there, you open yourself up to the reactions of others. As bloggers, many of us understand this first hand. There is a reason that I screen all comments on my blog before approving them - because some are too harsh to live forever in my space. You have to accept the bad feedback along with the good. There will always be both.

Regardless of this woman's intentions, whether it be venting or seeking sympathy, it's the tone of her piece that puts me off. She sounds incredibly self-righteous, and her husband sounded the same way. Perhaps they should spend their time focusing on trying to change their attitudes before these babies arrive. Immerse yourselves in therapy instead of writing negatively about your family on the Internet (where it will live forever). Learn how to accept the responsibilities of your actions.

But as much as the content of these posts angers and upsets me, I think they are important for us to read. We need to understand the choices that we have on this journey.

I've watched so many people make what they consider mistakes in their path to family building. They spend too much money cycling that they didn't have enough left when they wanted to pursue another path later to parenthood. They went for that second, third, or fourth baby without thinking about the stress on their family. They adopted a child, even though they hadn't truly grieved the "loss" of having a biological one. The list goes on.

When people ask me about the adoption process and filling out the paperwork regarding what they would accept/not accept in a child, I always say the same thing: be realistic about what you can handle, because this is forever. The same mantra could be said for EVERY aspect of infertility, for every avenue of family building.

I hope that this couple gets the help they need before their babies arrive. I wish the best for them and their children. And I hope that all of us take this as a lesson in control. We may not be able to control the hand we were dealt with infertility, but we can control how we choose to play that hand.

Choose wisely.

5 comments:

KeAnne said...

Nice post, and I agree about the necessity of making sure you think through all of your choices carefully. When you are dealing with pain and despair, it can be easy to make a hasty decision.

It Is What It Is said...

One, I have been questioning the authenticity of her (and her husband (if both were written by an actual married couple expecting twins) piece. Yes, some applaud her candor and she has a right to feel how she is feeling and it all might change once here babies are born, but I just don't get the motive for putting it out there.

It would have been one thing to express fear and doubt and worry over managing, etc., but her 'woe is me' overtone was off-putting.

And, there could have been a measure of 'I know we will survive' or 'regardless of how I feel about where I've found myself, I am grateful' but, in the absence of that, why?

Elizabeth said...

I didn't think you were too harsh. Their negatives attitudes will ruin their children. I truly can't stand the victim mentality. And in this case, there's not even anyone that "victimized" them! They made choices that led to having twins. Instead of rejoicing they're complaining! The only reason they would have a miserable life is because of their miserable attitudes NOT because of any life circumstance that comes their way. I'd hate to see how they would react to an ACTUAL TRAGEDY! Expecting twins=not a tragedy. :/

Jen said...

This story is so interesting to me, personally. I feel like I actually have a lot of similarities to her/their story. Obviously I was scared of what was to come, but I would never in a million years expect someone to feel sorry for me when I did ART. Did we WANT twins after having a toddler? No. For many reasons. But when my RE saw my follicle response on the u/s screen and said "Ok, we need to have the twin talk now" (with 4 mature follies), my husband and I decided to take that chance anyway. Still, I cannot fathom saying several times, the Huf Post of all places2523. "It was supposed to be one". Well, babies are "supposed" to happen naturally, but that wasn't how it worked for me or for her. I feel like she and her husband give people who have gone through IF a bad name when there is already so much that is misunderstood.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I'm a little relieved to read your second post on this. I had major issues attaching to my adopted daughter when we brought her home, but I was afraid to talk about it for fear of judgment. I mean, a healthy baby girl - what more could I want, right? I was absolutely miserable and I needed support but I never talked about it because everyone else was (or seemed to be) all sunshine and rainbows about attaching to THEIR adopted kids. Anyway, you can make the best laid plans and they don't always turn out as you had imagined. I hate to see fellow IFers at each others throats comparing their situations, deeming one more "worthy" of a baby than another. I'd never wish IF on my worst enemy. And I'll agree, this woman's perspective- sense of entitlement, victimhood etc - is irritating (to put it mildly). But she's in pain, and we've all been there.