Friday, July 26, 2013

the "cloud" of infertility

"There are many of us who have gone through IF who do not live under it's cloud for the rest of our days."

Huh. Do I live under a cloud?

I don't think I do.

No, no. I definitely don't. "Infertility is not a cloud under which I live my life. Infertility is a disease with which I have been diagnosed - one that I feel the affects of daily and one that does not have a cure. I do not live under anything. I live WITH it, I embrace it, and, when possible, I use it to try to make a difference in the lives of others."

#endrant

But no. No. Fuck that. I don't want to end my rant there.

I am not a pawn in infertility's game.

I may have been at one time. In fact, I know I was. I let it run my life. I let it control every aspect of who I was and what I did. I used it as an excuse, a crutch.

But at some point, I took over the reigns. I took control of it. And it had nothing to do with me becoming a parent. In fact, it happened long before that. It wasn't an instantaneous change. It was gradual. First, writing my blog. Then, sharing it. Volunteering. Writing letters. Advocating. Supporting. Asking questions of my doctors. Every time I projected my voice, I was beating my disease. Every time I wrote or spoke or acted, I was giving infertility a swift kick in the balls.

So to speak.

You'd realize this if you were a regular reader of my blog, "Kelly." You would know that I don't live under a cloud.

Instead, I practically control the weather.

It's the ONE thing I can do. I can't take away my disease. I can't provide cures or give children to the millions of men and women whose lives it devastates. But I can use it. I can use it for good. I can use it to empower myself, others. I can use it to hopefully make a difference in the lives of future generations. So maybe they won't have to jump through the same hoops I did to receive treatment or become a parent.

Instead of leaving my past behind, I can carry it with me - not as baggage. Not as a box of leftover feelings of sadness and pain. No. I can carry it with me and use it as a platform. I can place my feet on that box and stand tall, knowing that I've conquered this journey. That I would have conquered it with or without parenthood waiting for me at the finish line.

The question is, can you say the same about yourself?

5 comments:

missohkay said...

Fuck yeah!

dspence said...

"I can carry it with me and use it as a platform." Work it, girl. I love hearing about how you are using IF for good!!

Jennifer said...

Wow I had to go back and figure out what this was referencing but just wow. You are definitely not living under a cloud and if I ask "what have you done for infertility and adoption awareness lately" I need only read back through your blog..Also goes back to your post about "where did the community support go?"

gendmom.com said...

This post speaks for so many of us who have gone through infertility and fertility treatments. I am going to share it on my face book page because I know there are so many women who will relate to this.

Kristen Soderberg said...

Hi,
Found your post over on blogher. It really speaks to me as I am going through the same thing.... I just posted for the first time about my infertility journey on BlogHer as well. It took me a LONG time to write it and post it, but I feel better to have done it. I am following your blog now and your journey. Glad to have read this :)