Tuesday, March 12, 2013

baby steps

This is a baby-related post. Please feel free to skip if you are not comfortable reading.

I feel like every time I turn around, another month goes by and I'm writing another update post on K. Soon, she won't be a baby anymore.

For so long, I wanted this tiny little baby to hold in my arms. And don't get me wrong, the tiny stage was adorable. I still get emotional looking at premie clothes. I think to myself, "I can't believe she was ever this small." But I love the stage we are in right now. Her personality develops more each day, and it's fun to interact with her and watch her grow. Her laugh is contagious, and I can't wait to see what new thing she does next.

And, with each day that passes, I see myself healing a little more. I'm making a conscious effort with this, to move forward. I don't want to forget my journey, but I want to make sure my focus is on what I have instead of my journey to get what I have. I think this is most of the reason behind why I can't see us going through infertility treatments or even the adoption process again. I simply don't want K to suffer for it.

Both processes took so much away from me. Infertility wore me down physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was a bruised and battered version of myself when we started down the path toward adoption. We were ready to throw in the towel when we got the call. I can't imagine going through the motions all over again, this time with a daughter to care for. It doesn't seem fair to her. I promised her birth mother, and her, all of me. If we started toward baby #2, I don't know if I could still be that "whole" person for her. It's been hard enough as is these last 8 months to heal my wounds and be a mom at the same time.

I admire people who can go through it all over again. I admire those who jump back into treatments or adoption, facing their fears and (in so many cases) conquering them. Maybe I'm a coward for not being able to face these fears. Maybe I'm playing it safe for saying, "No more."

But, for me, I'd rather play it safe than not and have my heart broken again. I endured so much pain, and I don't know that I could put myself through more. I can honestly say that I'm now at a place where I am happy. Life still likes to throw me curve balls - dealing with issues like sickness and daycare changes. But I'd rather have all of these bumps in the road with K than without her.

My healing is well underway.


lparsons15 said...

This is awesome, I am so glad you are so happy!!

It Is What It Is said...

Heal, momma, heal.

Such a sweet picture, the endless horizon of your life in front of you.

missohkay said...

For me (and I don't expect you or anyone else to feel this way) I can't really envision a second adoption being as hard emotionally as the first. It's hard in a different way - e.g. I know first-hand the horrible things that can go wrong (losing a referral - check! Knowing people whose referral died before they brought him/her home - sadly, check.) but I also have the knowledge that no matter what happens, I have Miss E and she is brilliant. I'm not sure I could start from scratch again with no baby at home, but I can start again with her.

Noelle said...

I think it's wonderful that's you're embracing what life has given you, and being content purely in that. I understand why you feel your family is complete. It is complete and perfect.

Rach said...

I'm at a good place right now and we have no plans to do any infertility treatments or adopt again. Ava is enough and she's a handfull! Can't imagine going through everything again.

Slackie O. said...

This makes me smile for you :)