How do I let myself dream again?
Part of my struggle with looking into the future now is that it doesn't involve infertility - at least not our own infertility. We've "resolved" it for the moment, so what now? What happens when you work so intently on becoming parents for four years and then it's over? What happens when all you remember how to do is be infertile? When you forget how to make other dreams?
Infertility takes so much from us. We can pretend like it doesn't consume our lives. We can carry on as if it's just some small part of our existence. Yet, when it's over, you realize how much of your time was spent working toward this one thing. You realize that you spent so much time trying NOT to hope and wish and dream, that you sometimes forget how to do those things.
I've been hard on myself lately. I've been daydreaming about how I'd love for things to be. I've been daydreaming about the future. Then, I snap back to reality and I scold myself for getting my hopes up. I chastise myself for letting my mind wander or setting expectations that are "too high." But are they too high? Or are they just high standards for my infertile mind? We are told constantly to keep a level head. To not make plans. To simply let things happen. Once they've happened, then we take those same rules and apply them to other areas of our lives. We forget how to fantasize, because we remember what it's like to be drifting up toward the clouds and have something send us crashing back to Earth.
We remember having our dreams stolen from us - crushed into a million pieces and scattered to the winds. We remember what it's like to be told "it will never happen" or to "give up." We let ourselves succumb to the idea that nothing will ever turn out the way we want it to (or hope it does) again.
And then we have a baby. That's it. We have everything we could ever want. Right? Of course not. We still have wants. We have wishes. Or concepts, at least. Yet we don't know how to truly wish again. We don't remember how good it feels to dream, to let our mind run carelessly through the possibilities.
I need to learn how to let myself do this. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to let my thoughts go and explore all of the possibilities. Because those possibilites are still there. I simply forgot how to get to them.