Tuesday, January 22, 2013

behind the curtain

I didn't intend to worry or scare anyone with my last post and the hint of "changes." It's nothing bad, and it's not for certain at this point. I promise I'll share more when and if the time comes where I can.

My confusion over what to write has less to do with the birth of K and more to do with what's going on in my personal life. Laura brought up a good point on my last post about wishing she had a private place to put down those thoughts. I've thought of that, as well. And not necessarily private in the way of "so some people in this community can read and others can't." Private in the way that people who know me in real life can't read.

This has been my dilemma for a while with my blog. When I first started this, I didn't share this space with anyone in my personal life except for my husband. And now? Everyone knows. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It was a result of my winning the Resolve award and putting myself out there for everyone to support us in our journey. But now that I'm "out," I feel as though this comes with expectations. I need to "behave" a certain way. There are things I can write about and things I can't - whether it's out of fear of offending someone or out of protection for my family. I don't feel as if I can write freely anymore about the things I used to, particularly personal dilemmas or decisions.

What is it about anonymity that makes us so willing to open up about the most intimate details of our lives? Is it solely the lack of judgement or rejection from those in our personal lives? Or is it something more? Fear of the unknown? Whatever it is, it's made me realize how much I miss journaling and how much I prefer it over blogging. Perhaps this is a sign that I should begin journaling again - not just for my sake, but for K's as well. Because I want her to know exactly what I felt at a given time, not just the abridged version, edited for an "audience."

Even this post makes me uncomfortable. People jump to conclusions, and I don't want anyone to think I'm intentionally keeping something from them or wanting to write about them behind their back. That's not what I mean, but I'm nervous people will take it that way. I'm nervous people will think I'm pregnant (I'm not) or that this has something to do with my marriage (it doesn't) or K (no, again). Which is why I wish I had a place where I didn't have to beat around the bush. I could simply write down my feelings and be done with it.

Looks like I need to venture out today and find a journal to serve that purpose.


Michelle said...

As someone who is 'out' as well, I feel your pain. Here is what I've found though, anything that I wouldn't put on my blog for the people in my life to read, isn't something I'd really like out floating around the internet anyway.

someday-soon said...

I think everyone can understand wanting to have a "dear diary" moment. It's hard when a blog goes from something that only exists in theory to something that is read by those in your RL. Hope you figure out a space to vent {{{HUGS}}}

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I think that is one of the joys of the private journal -- you get all the benefits of taking it out of your head and none of the drawbacks of having other people read it. Sending good thoughts.

Stefanie Blakely said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel-- It's the exact reason that I have never blogged about the years of fighting between Rob & I & why, when I finally posted that we are geting divorced, people were stunned.

Rob's family and friends read my blog. My family reads my blog. So when I want to whine and bitch about someone or something, I usually feel like I can't.

I feel like my blog is like the highlight reel of my life. It's all true, it's just not the whole picture.

Sometimes I REALLY wish I had a space where I could speak freely about anything and everything.

Becky said...

I so understand. there are things I'd like to blog about, particularly some of the rough patches in my marriage. But because of who reads my blog (my mom, hubby's family, our close friends), there's no way I can. Or, I suppose, no way I will. Because I could care less if strangers judge me. I don't have to look at them in the eyes. Family, however, well, they're going to have somethign to say about it. And that's not something I want to open myself up to. Idk what the answer is. But I just wanted to say, "me, too".

Kim said...

I didn't tell anyone IRL my blog address. I have a FB to keep up with family and friends.....however, my in laws found my blog (bc I followed one of their Baby blogs) and hell broke out!!!! They didn't think it was fair of me to write my feelings about the abuse they've done to my family. I still have backlash for what I write, but I won't censor for their feelings. It's my blog.

S.I.F. said...

I've had this same desire before... wishing I had a private space where no one from my real life could read. Might be time for me to go out and get a journal here soon too.

foxy said...

well said, and you are definitely not alone... and while journaling is awesome, there is something awesome about a journal that talks back to you. Its that feeback that drew me into blogging initially and made me stick with it, but now that my blog isn't totally private anymore it has lost the benefits of a journal. If you figure out how to find a balance that works, please let us all know!!! good luck.

AuntMimi said...

I'm glad to hear that others share these same feelings. I've always wanted to be open about infertility, thus my decision to share my blog. But there are definitely drawbacks to that. I've found that I have to censor myself. When I feel down about our circumstances and write about it, all it does is get people worried about me, then they won't leave me alone. It's a fine balance to make the blog work for you and keep some privacy.

Whitney Anderson said...


I have always felt this way about my blog and from the beginning mine was always attached to my name. Sometimes, I needed to vent about something and I was afraid to. So, I wrote it anyway and didn't publish it.

But, I sort of felt gypped that I couldn't publish it.