I didn't intend to worry or scare anyone with my last post and the hint of "changes." It's nothing bad, and it's not for certain at this point. I promise I'll share more when and if the time comes where I can.
My confusion over what to write has less to do with the birth of K and more to do with what's going on in my personal life. Laura brought up a good point on my last post about wishing she had a private place to put down those thoughts. I've thought of that, as well. And not necessarily private in the way of "so some people in this community can read and others can't." Private in the way that people who know me in real life can't read.
This has been my dilemma for a while with my blog. When I first started this, I didn't share this space with anyone in my personal life except for my husband. And now? Everyone knows. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It was a result of my winning the Resolve award and putting myself out there for everyone to support us in our journey. But now that I'm "out," I feel as though this comes with expectations. I need to "behave" a certain way. There are things I can write about and things I can't - whether it's out of fear of offending someone or out of protection for my family. I don't feel as if I can write freely anymore about the things I used to, particularly personal dilemmas or decisions.
What is it about anonymity that makes us so willing to open up about the most intimate details of our lives? Is it solely the lack of judgement or rejection from those in our personal lives? Or is it something more? Fear of the unknown? Whatever it is, it's made me realize how much I miss journaling and how much I prefer it over blogging. Perhaps this is a sign that I should begin journaling again - not just for my sake, but for K's as well. Because I want her to know exactly what I felt at a given time, not just the abridged version, edited for an "audience."
Even this post makes me uncomfortable. People jump to conclusions, and I don't want anyone to think I'm intentionally keeping something from them or wanting to write about them behind their back. That's not what I mean, but I'm nervous people will take it that way. I'm nervous people will think I'm pregnant (I'm not) or that this has something to do with my marriage (it doesn't) or K (no, again). Which is why I wish I had a place where I didn't have to beat around the bush. I could simply write down my feelings and be done with it.
Looks like I need to venture out today and find a journal to serve that purpose.