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Thank you for all of your support over the years! xo

Monday, May 7, 2012

what the future holds

The other night, Joey told me that he read my april showers; may flowers post and that it made him sad. Though we've discussed living child free privately, it's the first time I've ever written about it or expressed it in such a public way. I know it was as difficult for him to read as it was for me to write. It's not easy to talk about "the end" or what would happen if adoption doesn't end up working out. In some ways, I can relate it to ending infertility treatments. As much as we all love to plan for "just in case this doesn't work," we WANT it to work. We never want to have to set aside that initial dream.

Only with this, it's 10x more emotional. Adoption was not a back-up plan; it was simply an alternate one - one we were happy moving forward with. Sure, there was grieving involved. I had to grieve the loss of a pregnancy that I would never have. We both had to grieve the loss of a biological child. But our hearts were filled with so much hope when we thought about adoption. Hope and understanding that it didn't matter how we became parents - that we would simply be parents to any child who came into our lives. Now that there is no other step, it's easier to see child free living as an option.

Somewhere along this journey, I realized that I wanted to be a mom, but that it wouldn't necessarily make or break me as a person. This concept has become very real to me now. I don't want people to take that as a sign of giving up. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that I'm prepared. We're prepared. We've talked about what we would do in either scenario. We've talked about buying a bigger house in the area if this does happen, with a yard for Danica and our little one to play in; likewise, we've discussed where we'd take our "mourning" vacation if things don't work out (Europe, hands down). We've set a timeline. I don't view doing these things as being pessimistic. I view it as being realistic. Like infertility treatments, things don't always work out - and it's more likely the case with people like us who don't have tons of disposable income to keep going on with this forever.

This is by no means easy for me to admit, especially all of you in this community. In fact, it's incredibly difficult. To think that it could all end in one second. To think that everything we worked for could be over. But I have to start accepting that. I've ignored it far too long. I spent so much time planning what our future would be like with a child that I didn't pay any attention to what our lives might look like without a child. I was afraid to. I guess this is proof that infertility has made me stronger. A year or so ago, I never would have been able to think about these things.

The future is a mystery to me. I could get a call 10 minutes after I finish this blog post saying we are matched or that there's a baby at the hospital ready for us to pick up a baby. Or, I could be sitting in this exact same chair one year from now, writing another blog about decisions and acceptance. I don't have a crystal ball (though it'd be nice) to reassure me of what's going to happen. The only thing I can control is my own emotion, my own reactions. And for the first time in nearly four year, I feel as if I've finally grasped how to do that.

20 comments:

Jessica said...

Always thinking of you!!

missohkay said...

I wish adoption was the guarantee most people think it is. I wish you didn't have to plan for this alternative. <3

PCOSChick said...

Bravo...I know how hard this is to say, trust me! You know I am ALWAYS here for you!

It Is What It Is said...

IF causes us to come to terms with a LOT of things we likely never would have had to.

I hope that you've at least set you expectations for a reasonable wait (not sure what your agency's average match/placement time is).

Truly hoping that the child you are meant to have finds you sooner than later.

Jen said...

I can see how this would be hard to admit, but I can also understand how you feel like you do. There's only so much of your life you can spend in limbo, it's just too stressful to constantly have the unknown stretched out before you. Good for you for knowing what is right for you and J.

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly with us. Adoption is so difficult, because you NEVER know what's going on behind the scenes and when the right birthmother will get connected with you. It just seems like open-ended waiting without an ending. :/ I do think it's glad to have a Europe "back-up plan" even for the fact of knowing that no matter what happens, you and Joey will have a good life together. But, I really don't think you'll have to follow through with that alternative plan. Crossing my fingers AND toes that you don't have to wait much longer!!

hgavin said...

I truly understand how you feel, IF has made you stronger and it sucks that you're in this situation to realize it. Childfree is tough decision to make, but also a kind one.
I'm keeping you both in my thoughts, please know I'm holding your hand and will support you whichever way or decision you make.

Jen said...

I know you're feeling discouraged, and I think that being realistic is good. I've realized in the past year that I could do child-free. There were times when that thought destroyed me. Where it was unacceptable. But, I've grown, and realize that children may not be in the cards for us, and I will survive that. I may not embrace it, but I can do it.

That said, I have so much hope and faith for you and your adoption journey. Just know that I'm sitting here praying for you family, no matter what. I'm here for you.

lparsons15 said...

I can't imagine how hard this process is on you guys, waiting and all the uncertainty must be agony. I will always be on your side, always! I want this for you guys so bad, you deserve it. Keep your head up!!

someday-soon said...

I also had come to that point in my journey. To me it was an important milestone of acceptance that I would be okay either way. One route obviously more desirable. You and Joey will have a wonderful, beautiful life together...no matter what {{{HUGS}}}

Geochick said...

I think I only mentioned briefly our discussions about living child-free. You're right, once you're removed from the TTC world, past the homestudy and just waiting, these questions definitely come up. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

KC said...

I agree with the Crystal Ball thing. It really is the uncertainty that is the worst part. I wish you all the happiness in the world and clarity to make the right decision for yourself!

AnnaEsperanza said...

I really hope you become a mom soon. For now, I think it is very healthy to look at what might be and what might not be. It's not giving up. You're preparing for the next leg of your journey, wherever your path leads.

Alex said...

These are very strong words, and I don't think anyone could think you're giving up. You've gone through so much, I admire you for saying these thoughts with such conviction and peace.

M said...

((hugs))

AL said...

Such an honest and heartbreaking post, thank you for sharing, I know it couldn't be easy. Here to support you no matter what the future holds. xo

Anonymous said...

Have you ever thought about adopting through the foster care system? There are 1,000s of children that need a good, loving home.

My husband and I are starting to research this as we struggle with infertility.

Thanks for sharing your journey in this blog!

Dawn said...

Thinking of you! I wish adoption was as easy as people think it is.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Again, what a powerful, powerful post. I think this is the difference between resolution and... lack of resolution. This is the true meaning of resolving your infertility. It isn't about the child -- a child can't fix things. It's about being at peace with the fact that anything could happen, good or bad, and knowing that you will be able to keep going.

Jenn and Casey said...

We talk about this too, more often now as time marches on. We will be okay. And so will you.