May is here.
I have a strong love/hate relationship with this month. On the plus side, it's the month of Joey's birthday and our wedding anniversary. The minus? Well. It's the month of Mother's Day - the hardest holiday to endure as an infertile woman. It also marks when we started trying to have a baby, and this particular May marks 6 months on the waiting list with our agency. 6 months with just 2 phone calls and 3 profile views and four years of waiting for a baby, colliding in the month that constantly reminds me of how I'm not a mother yet.
As each month passes, a little more sadness fills my heart. But so does confidence. Not necessarily confidence that we'll be chosen soon. Instead, it's confidence that everything will be okay, regardless of what happens. For whatever reason, this adoption journey has brought me some sense of peace with the idea of living child free. Maybe it's the fact that this is the end of the rope as far as options go. Maybe it's knowing that one slip-up, such as a disrupted adoption, could leave us with little money left to continue. Maybe it's all of these little things gathered into one realization that this is it. I'm not sure. But as frustrating as the last six months have been, they've also been a bit of a healing process - a different one than what I went through between IF treatments and filling out the adoption paperwork.
I just wish I didn't need healing. I wish it would be over. I wish that, after four years, this journey would end. There are so many moments when I feel as though we're standing at the exact same spot on the exact same road we were on when we started this. Yet, I know we aren't. We're close - very close. We will get there. One foot in front of the other, we'll make it to the end of the road. It's what I've told myself every day since we weren't chosen for the situation we felt so good about last month, and it's what I have to keep telling myself until we do reach our resolution. It could happen at any time.
If only that time could be now.