Wednesday, May 2, 2012

april showers; may flowers

May is here.

I have a strong love/hate relationship with this month. On the plus side, it's the month of Joey's birthday and our wedding anniversary. The minus? Well. It's the month of Mother's Day - the hardest holiday to endure as an infertile woman. It also marks when we started trying to have a baby, and this particular May marks 6 months on the waiting list with our agency. 6 months with just 2 phone calls and 3 profile views and four years of waiting for a baby, colliding in the month that constantly reminds me of how I'm not a mother yet.

As each month passes, a little more sadness fills my heart. But so does confidence. Not necessarily confidence that we'll be chosen soon. Instead, it's confidence that everything will be okay, regardless of what happens. For whatever reason, this adoption journey has brought me some sense of peace with the idea of living child free. Maybe it's the fact that this is the end of the rope as far as options go. Maybe it's knowing that one slip-up, such as a disrupted adoption, could leave us with little money left to continue. Maybe it's all of these little things gathered into one realization that this is it. I'm not sure. But as frustrating as the last six months have been, they've also been a bit of a healing process - a different one than what I went through between IF treatments and filling out the adoption paperwork.

I just wish I didn't need healing. I wish it would be over. I wish that, after four years, this journey would end. There are so many moments when I feel as though we're standing at the exact same spot on the exact same road we were on when we started this. Yet, I know we aren't. We're close - very close. We will get there. One foot in front of the other, we'll make it to the end of the road. It's what I've told myself every day since we weren't chosen for the situation we felt so good about last month, and it's what I have to keep telling myself until we do reach our resolution. It could happen at any time.

If only that time could be now.

11 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Wow. Reading this really sounds like where I'm at too at the moment. I feel like the waiting and inability to control when/if you're chosen has made us re-focus on our LIVES without children in the near future. Of course we HOPE to become parents soon, but it seems like the phase to wait, heal and enjoy the present time. It's a weird time, but for us, it's a good time. I hope this wait comes to an end SOON for you though!

Alex said...

I like the way you describe having confidence in whatever happens, you will be ok. It has to be so hard being at this place in your journey, knowing you're so close to the end! But when?

It Is What It Is said...

Sending you peace of mind as the wait continues. I am glad that you feel that all will work out in the end. That is a comforting thought for sure.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

The adoption wait was really tough, but at the same time- I agree- it brought me a lot of healing and I am happier where I am today versus where i was when we got on the waitlist.

Thinking of you and hoping the journey ends soon.

Gurlee said...

Oh Katie, I wish that time could be now too. One of the hardest parts of the process is the seemingly endless waiting and waiting. I know it's been said before but I think it would be so much easier if we knew in x amount if time you will reach your destination.
Clearly you have strength and stamina, you can do this, just like you have been for the past four years. May this be your year.
Celebrate May's happy holidays. And mothers day is a silly hallmark holiday.

Rachel said...

Are you registered to be a foster-adoptive parent? Florida has one of the higher rates of babies born into the system.

M said...

I hope this month turns into match month for you. ((hugs))

Logical Libby said...

I will be okay. And once that baby is in your arms, it is amazing how fast all of the waiting melts. It doesn't totally go away, but it is just a shadow of what it was.

AL said...

I so wish that time was now for you, it will be soon! I'm glad you're in finding peace with the wait and knowing that you and Joey will be okay no matter the outcome. Hoping next Mother's Day will be your first. xoxo

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Such an incredibly powerful realization -- that it will all be okay. I hope the wait is over soon.

myunassuminglife said...

Mothers day is so difficult...

It was on Mother's day 3 years ago that I first experienced the pain of IF - I was convinced I was pregnant - nausea, first time AF was late, etc.... but - I wasn't.

It's a weird (and very painful) journey, IF -- on the one hand you feel stagnant...like you're running on a treadmill - not going anywhere, no matter how hard you try and how much effort you put in... But, on the other hand, you can see the difference the "running" has made... both good and bad.... I look back and can't believe I thought I was ready to be a mom 3 years ago...but I also look back and think about how I could be running after a 3 yr old right now...

I hope you become a mom before mothers day next year!!! xx