Sunday, March 4, 2012

the perpetual 2WW

As we close in on the 4-month mark in our time on the waiting list, I have to say this. Having experienced both the 2-week wait in trying to get pregnant MANY times and now having experienced almost a half a year of waiting in the adoption process, the adoption wait is proving to be much more difficult.

Sometimes, it's torture.

With treatments, it was a constant cycle. Yes, I'd wait for two weeks and the end result was always negative, but at least I could be hopeful again in the two weeks that followed the negative. With adoption, there is nothing to lift you back up (unless you get a phone call). There's not a room full of doctors encouraging you - yes, this could be your month! Things look awesome! There's just . . . silence.

With treatments, you KNOW what your odds are. You know how the situation looks. You know how many eggs, or chances, you have. With adoption, you have no idea what's going on behind the scenes. You pay a shitload of money to sit there and hope that the agency is doing its job and working as hard as possible to put you out there in hopes that someone will choose you.

With treatments, you're constantly doing something. If it's not charting and temping, it's going in for scans and blood work. It's taking pills, giving yourself shots, timing, or monitoring your diet. With adoption, there's nothing to keep you busy. There's no regimen to follow. You're just out there on your own - floating. As much as I look forward to graduating with my master's degree at the end of next month, I fear what will happen when I don't have homework to fill my free time.

With treatments, as much as I wasn't in control, I felt more in control than I do now. Taking those pills and giving myself those shots MADE me in control. Now, I'm helpless. And for someone who craves order, this is a difficult feeling to swallow. Not only was I able to have some control over the process, I was also able to control what came next. Like many infertility patients, I was always researching the next "fork in the road" - the next step in the process. Now there is no next step. This is it. The end of the road. It's this or child-free living. If something happens, we're scammed out of money or we fork out too much in birth mother expenses for a failed adoption, that's it for us. There's nothing left to plan for.

I think the worst part, though, is the loneliness. I never felt completely alone when we were going through infertility treatments. There were dozens of women, whether on blogs, on Twitter, or in person, going through cycles at the exact same time. We would over analyze symptoms, bitch about pregnancies, and provide each other with the much-needed support that a negative beta requires.

And now? Well, most of those women are busy with babies and toddlers. Occasionally, there's a "new round" of infertiles, and then even they get pregnant. There are very few people going through the adoption process alongside us. It can be an isolating feeling. A feeling that will probably exist for the remainder of this wait.

However long this wait lasts.

Disclaimer: I'm not undermining the difficulty of waiting during IF treatments. I'm simply writing about my own, personal experience and emotions.


Jessica said...

I couldn't have written this better. I feel the exact same way. The adoption wait is very unsettling. I hope you get that call soon!!!

Arlyne said...

((((HUGS)))) and more (((HUGS)))!!! You're always in my thoughts & I pray that you get your phone call soon! xoxo

AnnaEsperanza said...

That sounds awful, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish they would call. I wish there was something you or i could do. Please know that I'm rooting for you.

marriage20 said...

We have been waiting for 6 months, and I agree!! It can be very difficult, especially all of the uncertainty and loss of control. I write about my experience during the wait at and It's nice to have company during this process!

missohkay said...

I'm so sorry Katie. I wish you could see ahead to know how long a wait to expect. I think we could all get through if we only had some idea of the timeline involved.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

We waited for 8.5 months for the call. It's Tough! Really tougher than I ever could have guessed, for every reason you described. I was feeling mighty low. think the first part of the wait was easier as we were excited and hopeful, but it got increasingly difficult. I hope you get your call soon. I hate limbo.

Geochick said...

Yes, it sucks, and so far I haven't exactly forgotten how long it felt. Hang in there.

Amber said...

I could not agree more!! It is so hard to wait. I also had the control issues and stuff. I think it's pretty understandable! Also, with IF, there are specific timelines. Like you said, two weeks later you'd know one way or the other. Part of what was so hard for me about the adoption wait was that the call could come tomorrow or it could come a year from tomorrow. And when the call DOES come (and it will!!!!!), it could be "baby due in three weeks" like we had with Aidan, or "come get this baby" like Lisa had!

I know it's cliche and obnoxious and annoying and you probably want to punch me in the face when I say this, but please understand it's from a place of love and, most of all understanding. When you get that call, all of this waiting will start to fade away. By the time you sit in front of a judge and are finally declared a FAMILY, it'll be a distant memory. You might even look on it fondly. No, really! :)

I know we aren't on the same timeline, but I hope you know you have so much support from me! <3

Suzanne said...

You have described how I am feeling exactly.

Logical Libby said...

One way I dealt with the loneliness (and that really is the best way to describe it) is I made a list of all things I wouldn't be able to do with a baby. And then I did them. I went to loud, R-rated movies, I went to "adults only" restaurants, I went to the spa. I was utterly selfish.

Think about it.

Waiting in Joyful Hope said...

Praying for you! I'm in the IF waiting cycle but have a really close friend waiting for adoption. I'm going to refer her to your blog because I think she could use some encouragement! Feel free to check out my blog too! I just got started!