Tuesday, February 14, 2012

heartbreak hotel

The mother of all Hallmark holidays is upon us. Today is Valentine's Day, which means that love is everywhere: splattered in red across flowers, chocolate boxes, and teddy bears in every store in America.

But I'm not going to write about love. Instead, I'm going to write about heartbreak.

Everyone who reads this blog knows the feeling. Whether it comes in the form of a failed relationship or - for many of us - a failed cycle or failed adoption, we know what it's like to be crushed. We know what it feels like to have our heart ripped up into a million pieces. We know what it's like to be bitter, and to feel like the entire world is set against you.

It's not a good feeling – that empty place where love and happiness once lived, now filled with nothing. Darkness. Sadness.

There was a time when that was all I felt. There was a time when the pain was so difficult that I didn't know how to cope. Mostly, I didn't cope. I floated along, wondering if and when there would be a breaking point to the madness. Luckily, that breaking point never came, but there were dozens of times when I thought it was close.

These days, it ebbs and flows. My therapist likes to remind me that it's grief, and not bitterness (which I thank her for, since grief is much easier to accept in some ways). There isn't a linear process to overcoming this heartache, and for some, we may never completely heal. But there is progress. Yesterday, I held a baby who was one day old without so much as a hint of anger or sadness. In fact, it felt GOOD. I felt happy, and I can't remember the last time that holding a baby has made me smile with pure joy. That feeling of goodness and joy probably won't last forever. But for now, it's a sign that things are getting easier - every single day.

What I'm getting at here is that the feeling of emptiness is temporary. You don't stay at the heartbreak hotel forever. Checking out also doesn't mean that you won't ever go back to that place again, but there is an end. There is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. I know, because I know people who've found it. Someday, I hope to be in that happy place for good. And one way or another, I hope we all get to heal our heartbreak.

Sending love to those who need it most today.

11 comments:

Arlyne said...

Sending you lots of love today! xoxo

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for writing this. It's so good! I think sometimes people think that adoption is a cure for infertility. And that if you choose to adopt and become "paper pregnant" that the pain of infertility goes away, but I've learned that adoption and pregnancy are both ways to build a family, but that adoption and infertility are entirely different issues. I like to think that the pain will continue to get better and I know it will. But, it's good to read someone else's thoughts on the matter and see them line up so closely with mine. :) I hope you have a good Valentine's Day, and the last one before becoming a mom!

Esperanza said...

What a brave and important post. Thank you for this.

Ali @ Not All Dreams Are Free said...

This Heartbreak Hotel sux. I'm in it right now, and would rather not be. I didn't even speak to my husband on Valentines Day as we are taking a break from each other to help us clear our thoughts and decide if we want to try for a baby together. Infertility has almost broken us, and it's devastating!

nurslouisa said...

What a lovely post. I hope you find your happy place soon.

AL said...

lovely post, Katie.

kristin said...

Thanks for sending some love. As one who feels like this "holiday" should just be eliminated, for so many various reasons, a little love shout out is welcome. Many people don't have anyone to love or to love them back and others often that. So many people have suffered a loss or multiple losses and I feel that for those who actually are in love, you don't really need a calendar day to reminder you to "pencil in the one you love." Even for the best of lovers, one can often forget this day and cause a discord in an otherwise wonderful relationship. For the rest us we really don't need a reminder to sit aroud and wonder if we are really happy for the lover we missed out on, that is about to welcome a child into their life. Most of us do that enough every other day. There are so many negative situations that one calendar day create's, that we made up no less, and people just don't need to be going through that! I end my rant with a quote from comedian Lewis Black, "Christmas was just 6 weeks ago, are you saying that it wasnt good enough!?"

Logical Libby said...

Great post. A good reminder that things move forward.

myinfertilitywoes said...

Thanks for your post. Lots of love right back to you! (((Hugs)))

Rebecca said...

So beautifully put. Thanks for this.

Serendipitie said...

<3 Thank you for this post. I am woefully far behind on my blog reading, but this ended up being a good thing because I needed this post today. I am in that dark emptiness right now, and I want out.