Thank you for all the kind words about my breast lump last week. I appreciate it. I'll try not to have any more health scares for a while. I think I've had my fair share these past few years. If I can get through 2012 with no surgeries and no hospital visits, I'll consider it a win. I'm ready for boring (medically speaking), and I think I deserve that.
With all the commotion, it's been difficult to find time to think about the adoption wait. It's good in the way that it took my mind and my eyes off the clock for a little while. It's bad in the way that it made me envision some of the worst scenarios. The scariest: what if there was something wrong? What if I needed surgery and we suddenly got matched? How would I care for a baby? Or worse - what if I did have cancer? Could we even still adopt? Are there protocols for that sort of thing? The negativity clouded me for days until, finally, I managed to shove it somewhere deep and dark. It's still slowly fading away.
Then, I got to thinking about something else. Something completely different. Something that ended up being a positive. Here I was again faced with being an advocate. How often have I found myself in this role? Another personal journey out there for everyone to see. It's exhausting. Frustrating even.
Yet, even though I always complain that I'm tired of fighting for others, I keep doing it. I keep finding myself in this position: being a voice for something. This is a topic that my therapist and I have talked about in great detail over the past couple of weeks. How I tend to save all of my energy fighting for others. Sitting on her couch, I told her how - sometimes - this hurts. How there are many moments when I don't want to advocate for others anymore because no one is there to advocate for me. I'm the girl who everyone calls on for help. Only when it comes time for me to need that same help, I often feel like there is nowhere for me to turn.
At first, I couldn't figure out why it made me to feel selfish to say that. And then, it hit me: Maybe because it IS selfish. Maybe I keep doing this because, deep down, I know that it's what I'm supposed to do with my life. Maybe all of this happened to me because I'm meant to spend my life advocating. And instead of trying to fight this, maybe I need to continue channeling that energy back into advocacy for others.
I'm not sure how exactly I'm supposed to do this, but I have a general idea now of the direction I'm supposed to go in. I've always thought that I would graduate from my master's program and become a librarian. But there is part of me who knows that I can do more. Is there a way that I can use my passion for helping women, especially in the area of infertility, and use my skills as an information professional alongside that passion? I don't know. I am still working through this. I feel like it's going to take some time on my part to sort through these feelings.
Would I be happy with working as a librarian for the rest of my life? I think so. Is that dream below my potential? I'm starting to think it might be. I feel like it IS realistic for me to say, "Yes, I eventually want to be a part of something bigger. Yes, I do want to use my passion for helping people through this journey and do good with it." I've been so hesitant to say this to myself and to others because I didn't know if I wanted to make my passion my work, but in essence, I've already done that. I help run our local RESOLVE support group. I've spoken at conferences. I won the Hope Award for best blog. I guess maybe now it's time for me to stop ignoring all of these things. It's been smacking me in the face all along, and I didn't want to look at it.
Well, no more ignoring it. I have to realize that there might more out there for me - for my future - and I need to have the confidence in myself to pursue that. I haven't had the confidence to believe that I can do bigger and better. And now is the time for me to start believing in something I haven't for so long: me.