Tuesday, January 31, 2012

needing an "off" switch

Remember how I wrote that I wasn't thinking much about the adoption wait? Well, then I realized that next week marks three months on the list. And, for the first time, I'm starting to get a little . . . anxious.

I feel bad writing that. Mostly because I know some people who, for one reason or another, have waited three years to bring home their child. I have several friends who are waiting now and who have been going through this longer than we have. It's almost like when you're infertile and someone joins your support group who has "only" been trying for 6 months or a year. I know I've been guilty of it - looking at them and thinking, Oh, ONLY one year.

Now, here I am, on the other side. We've been waiting (officially) for three months, and I'm already getting restless. It's beginning to feel like the eternal two week wait. Imagine waiting months for that positive pregnancy test instead of just a couple of weeks. Talk about torture.

I made a few minor changes to our profile today. I haven't touched it since we started except to add a handful of new photos, and I've still been trying not to look at it on weekly basis. Especially not with the counter there, staring me in the face at over 430 views. It brings up all sorts of questions. Like, what is she looking for? Or, what about our profile does she not like? Questions I know there are not direct answers to.

So the waiting and wondering continues. I just need to figure out a way to turn off that third "w" - worrying.

9 comments:

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Katie- it's really tough. I agree. I got most stressed between 2-4 months. This is so hard- waiting and not even in a line that you can see getting shorter! Waiting, lined up against a wall... To be picked. It's hard to have something do big out of your control. Completely. I totally get it...I just wish this one thing could be easier as irrational as that might be...so yes- I hear you!

missohkay said...

I can't put myself in your position exactly since international works so differently, but I once blogged about how hard it is when your 2ww has morphed into a 2yw. I'm sorry that you're feeling anxious - it WILL happen for you though. And it will be all you dreamed it would be :)

Dawn said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling anxious! I think that I would be a hot mess waiting. That counter would kill me!

I can't wait until you have your perfect match because you and Joey are going to be awesome parents.

Rebecca said...

This kind of wait where you have absolutely no control and where things might change at any moment has got to be impossibly hard. I hope so much that your wait isn't too much longer. I'm here for you.

Elizabeth said...

We're approaching our 2 month wait and it IS so hard. I get excited about the views, but I think a lot of the views are not from birthmoms, but from friends and family members looking at the page (at least in our case). I think your profile is great and doesn't leave any questions unanswered. I know I would at least feel more at ease knowing there was ACTION going on, or at least someone looking at our paper profile with actual interest, but it just seems hard when you don't hear a thing! I hope you're matched soon because it surely seems like you've already waited enough, right!? :)

manymanymoons said...

I am right there with ya. The waiting is seriously torture. Just when I put it out of my mind for a minute I'll get some randome reminder and it starts my wheels turning again. We're going to hit 9 months on the 3rd and it's almost pissing me off for some reason. Something about waiting the same amount of time that it has taken others to give birth is making me a little bitter. I need to stop it! Hopefully the wait will be like what they say about childbirth. Once it's over you kind of forget. We can only hope!

It's going to happen for you, it really is!

Geochick said...

The wait is hard no matter what. Because we were on a list, the first year was not so bad. But, when we were getting updates that the agency was slow, I was going out of my mind.

Logical Libby said...

You obviously are not drinking enough...

Just know it will happen, and when it does it will happen fast and furiously.

Keep your head up.

Nicole said...

from a birthmother myself (9 years ago)- i looked for people who were who i saw myself in 10-15 years.
so sometimes it wasn't that there was something 'wrong' per say, but i wasn't finding anything in common with the family.
the couple i ended up choosing just had very similar qualities to the way i was raised & my parents. so while i looked at plenty of lovely couples, i needed something that felt like i bonded/gravitated towards.
the couple i ended up picking had some stuff in their profile that grabbed me PERSONALLY -
their home looked EERILY similar to mine growing up, they had a golden retriever like me, they were college sweethearts, and they went to big ten schools.
Those seem all so trivial, and they are - but I needed SOMETHING familiar and that felt like they would be an extended version of myself for me to commit to meeting them.

so it isn't something wrong or not wrong, it really is just waiting to find a woman that is going to look at your profile and say 'wow, that seems exactly what i'm going to be like when im ready to be a parent because they....etc' Not everyone has the same vision of what if you could pick a parent, what are the qualities they have?...but you will find your match!

My child's mom and I have this type of sister/soulmate bond I cannot explain. you will find yours!