Saturday, December 10, 2011

holiday blues

I get them every year, but this year my holiday blues seem particularly bad. It's December 10, and we haven't put up a single Christmas decoration aside from the wreath Joey hung on the door one day while I was at work. To be honest, I'm not sure I even want to put up a tree. I'm certainly not weeping my way through store aisles. I'm just . . . blah. This is going to make me sound like a broken record, but I thought it would be over by now. Not the adoption journey (I'm not THAT impatient) - just our journey to become parents as a whole.

Thursday marked one month on the waiting list. Yesterday, we got a call from one of the profile site's representatives, who offered to provide us with any profile help should we need it. Cue freaking out: What's wrong with our profile? Our agency said it looked good - were they lying? Should I add more photos? Delete some photos? Add more information? Delete some information? What if no one picks us because we're Gator fans?

The reality is, our profile is probably fine. I haven't changed much about it since we created it at the beginning of November and that's a good thing. They say not to change it to often. But I have to force myself not to look at it so that I don't nitpick everything. I also try not to look at it because it has a counter. As in it counts how many people view it. Cue anxiety: What MORON thought that was a good idea? I'm enough of a mess my own. Imagine how this behavior amplifies when I see that our profile has been viewed 232 times. 232 TIMES!

Then, cue the anger: I'd like to bitch slap every person who ever told me to "just adopt," as if it's as easy as going to Target to pick up a kid. They have no clue what it feels like to obsess about everything from how good or not good I look in a photo to how I'll respond if my kid gets angry at me one day and screams, "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM!" (I could honestly write an entire post of just "things I try not to freak out about.")

So while everyone else gets in the sing-song-y holiday spirit, there's me - on a roller coaster of emotions, contemplating all of these things over which the control freak in me has zero control. We're finally putting up the tree tonight. And the only thing I'll be wondering is when I get to hang a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament from mine.

24 comments:

Jen said...

Can we co-author a post about trying not to freak out about that moment our teenagers will scream that at us? Cause, yeah. THAT.

My reaction to the holidays has varied dramatically over these three years. You just have to do what you need to do to get through it, and if ignoring it a bit, at least inside your own home, helps, eff the decorations.

Last year I NEEDED a tree (I'm Jewish). It's beautiful and it was comforting. This year, mostly just need my class to be over, but maybe it's a good thing that I'm completely focused on THAT instead of the fact that I still don't have children.

Happy holidays sweetie.

omginindy said...

Long time reader, first time poster. This made my heart very sad, I am hoping so much that you and your husband get the Christmas miracle you have been hoping and praying for for so long. Your child will be delivered to you at exactly the right moment, don't lose trust in that.

amiracle4us said...

I totally relate. Holidays are a jumble of emotional for me as well. If you had looked at us 5 years ago and asked where will your life be in 5 years without question I would have said we would have a child with a second on the way. That hasn't happened, but for us both, I pray it does. That this time next year we are eager to put up that tree and can't decide between multiple 'first Christmas' ointments for the child we will be holding. I hope this is the last holiday season the void is present in our lives. Xo

Jenn and Casey said...

Sending big hugs. The holidays are so hard! Thinking of you and hoping that something comes through soon. Nothing about this journey is easy. Nothing.

Rebecca said...

The holidays are incredibly hard. And, "just adopt" makes me want to pummel someone. It amazes me how easy people make it sound.

Sending lots of love your way.

Her Royal Fabulousness said...

I really find what you said about people assuming you should "just adopt" so interesting. Seriously, if it was THAT EASY why would people struggle through infertility?

Your baby will be lucky to have you as a mother. Hang in there.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I understand Katie. 150%. I had to stop freaking about our profile too. I plan to tweak it next after the holidays. Hoping this is the last holiday season to endure this way- fingers crossed for both of us.

It Is What It Is said...

I was at a party for fellow pre-k moms last night and someone was describing a family of five children this way: "She had three of her own, and two that were adopted."

I felt the same way about pummeling someone.

dspence said...

I felt the same way the first two Christmases after my divorce (my daughter spends Christmas with her father in another state). The first year, I tore down the tree on December 23rd and smashed the ornaments in a dumpster. The second year, I tore down the tree on December 25th but saved the ornaments. I'm hoping to make it to December 26th this year.

Thinking of ou this holiday season.

JustHeather said...

You're not the only one who isn't filled with holiday cheer and spirit. I'm trying not to think about my mom not being here this year, I'm also in the 1WW and I'm sure it has failed, and so on. Try to find a little something to make you happy and hold on to it. I'm trying to do the same. *hugs*

Slackie O. said...

Dear Katie & Jen, please DO write that post about what you do when your teenager screams that at you... it's one of my biggest fears about donor egg, which feels a little silly (but it's there).

missohkay said...

I am a control freak too, which is why I've been having a hard time lately. I hope the tree gives you some holiday sprit, and just know that we're all together in the blahs so vent anytime!

AL said...

the holidays are so, so hard. Every year waiting was more and more difficult. I cannot wait til you put up that "baby's first Christmas" ornament and celebrate your first Christmas with your little one.

HUGS.

Maria said...

I'd worry about the Gator thing, too. ;-) Everything else is perfect for your new baby who's already on his/her way. But really....what's an infertile to do when we're so damn practiced at obsession? I'm convinced I've grown a new obsession gene in my DNA and am now happy that adopting means I won't be passing that on. Sending you some Christmas spirit. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la laaa!

m said...

on a slightly different journey, but still one that requires you to put yourself out there and wait/hope/pray someone else deems you worthy enough of being a parent. Argh the angst, the anger, the obsessing, the "Do I tweak or not tweak?" dance, back to anger, and then full around back to "dammit, when's gonna be OUR time?"

Our time is gonna come someday. It will. And in the meantime, take the holidays any way you damn well feel like. With or without tree, fuss, etc. And change it by the day if you need to. Because right now, this is your time too.

Sending hugs.

Logical Libby said...

Your profile is fine. You are fine. It's been a month. We got our girl at four months.

And don't worry about Christmas. You have others to come -- with your baby.

Slynn said...

Oh the holidays are so hard! I know how it feels to want to enjoy it so bad, but then have the tiniest thing throw you off and back to the bottom of the barrel again. I think the post about things not to freak out about sounds genious!

Tammy's Vintage Finds said...

I know exactly how you feel. My son's Father died from brain cancer 2 1/2 years ago when my son was 9 and I just can't seem to get past it. I don't believe in closure, there is still a big gaping hole in my heart. I just need to find a way to move forward, for my son. I haven't had motivation to do anything except go to work and take my son to his school and social functions. The holidays just have no excitement for me. I feel like I'm all alone in the world.

Adele said...

Katie, I hope you do get to put that ornament on the tree. And very, very soon. I'm sorry for the holiday blues. They are awful. Because while everyone around you "gets into the spirit" it's impossible to do so yourself. No words of wisdom for you. Just the firm hope that next year will be very, very different.

KH99 said...

Yep, I've had those "blah" holidays. I hope next year is better. On a side note, I just graduated in August with a MS in Library Science after 5 years.

Dawn said...

The holidays are such a crappy time! I'm so sorry you are feeling down and I'm really hoping that next year is much, much different.

Kelly Mac said...

Katie. Don’t wait. Hang the ornament right now, this tree at this moment. Because in the very near future you will be looking into the most perfect eyes and those eyes are going to see how strong her mama is and how she hung it in exactly the right place to hang the first ornament.

mylifeofmisconceptions said...

I can't even begin to tell you how much I'm relating to this post right now. We've been waiting to adopt for a while and every year the holidays are so difficult. THis year I thought it would finally be the year we could hang that "baby's 1st Christmas" ornament. We were in a match and everything was going great. Unfortunately, the baby was born stillborn and our hearts were broken. I really think this will be my worst Christmas ever now. I'm praying that both of us have babies to celebrate the holidays with very soon!

Augusta said...

Feeling the Holiday blahs as well. Thanks for posting this, Katie. I hope that this is the last Christmas tree without the special ornament signaling that your baby has finally arrived.