Saturday, November 19, 2011

fight on

We were lucky to find such an amazing person, Amy, to do our home study for us. (Unlike many situations, where couples go directly to an agency and have their home study done through that organization, we decided to go with an independent home study agent. This gave us the option to choose based on her recommendations of who might best meet our needs.) Amy occasionally reads my blog, and she asked me an interesting and unexpected question last week while both of us were working at an adoption/fertility conference. She asked if I planned on keeping this blog after we have a baby.

The short answer is yes. But the long answer is something I haven't thought too much about. I've followed many bloggers since I began writing here three years ago. Most of them have gone on to have babies - some more than one - and many of them have stopped writing all together. Other blogs have evolved into writings about motherhood. Very few remained blogs about infertility.

In no way do I want to stop writing. Nor do I want to turn this into a parenting blog. There's a reason for both: I like writing, and I have no desire to write about parenting. Mostly, I don't care to share my parenting philosophies and likely have them picked apart, and I have no desire to post pictures of my kid 24/7 so that creepy people surfing the web can know what he/she looks like (yes - I am that paranoid). My only other option, and it's not a popular one, is to keep writing about infertility. It's not popular because most people don't do it. Or they can't do it. Part of me understands that. Who wants to keep thinking about infertility after they finally become a parent? Who wants to constantly be reminded of the worst years of their life?

I guess I feel a stronger connection with my disease. Being infertile changed something for me, and I think that change is permanent. A lot of people who adopt after infertility move on to adoption causes, and that's great. For me, though, I feel compelled to continue advocating for my fellow infertiles.

Why? I don't know. Especially since (if I'm being honest) there are times when I am truly tired of advocating. It takes a lot of you, fighting all the time. But for whatever reason, I can't stop. Maybe because I was diagnosed so young, and I don't want young people to feel alone in their suffering. Maybe because I skipped IVF, and I want people to know that it's okay to go against the grain when deciding your path. Maybe because helping people through my volunteer work at RESOLVE helped ME. To gain peace. To gain understanding. To gain friendships and a path.

When I do become a parent, I'm going to try and keep this going. It won't be easy, but I think it's important. If I stop blogging and talking about infertility, it stops just a tiny piece of the progress we've made as a community to break through the barriers set by others about our disease. If I stop blogging and talking about infertility, it perpetuates the myth that infertility ends when you have your child. Cancer survivors don't stop fighting for a cure once they are healthy.

So why should we stop fighting once we become parents?


Mic said...

I've really tried to keep my blog about infertility. Many days I fail, but I try to remember that infertility is the common thread to all of my readers, and that is what people care to read. Mommy blogging has never been my thing. I also wasn't all that jazzed about writing about pregnancy.

I hope you'll continue to write and not struggle with topics. I find that I feel disingenuous most days when I write about IF. But for me, my blog is still my online diary of sorts.

KRISTI said...


Danielle said...

I just love you.

It Is What It Is said...

I started my blog two years ago to mete out my feelings post ART treatment and pre-adoption efforts. I still post about infertility, I rarely post about parenting, but I do post about how having my son makes me feel in light of being infertile and in light of still struggling, four years later, to have a sibling.

You will find your way, but don't rule anything out. Evolution is a good thing.

Just the Tip said...

I think it's awesome that you want to continue blogging about IF. It only makes sense, it is so very important to you.

I do know a fellow employee that I rarely worked with who was older and having trouble TTC really hit a nerve with me earlier in the year..

She laughed at me and said I wasn't infertile, because I had two children.

It almost made me sick to my stomach, yes our IF path was easier than others, but we were still 21/22 and couldn't get pregnant without drugs. Who knows if I would have waited until I was in my 30's if PCOS would have allowed me to conceive even with drugs.

So, I think it's amazing because many people do think infertility ends after you have a baby in your house, but it does not.

someday-soon said...

I think you should write about whatever is on your mind and don't want you to feel like you "should" write about one topic or another. When you adopt if you want to start writing about that, that's cool. If you want to continue writing about infertility, that's cool too =)

Logical Libby said...

That's awesome. I've been a Mom for two years and still haven't totally come to terms with my infertility. I think most people in similar situations feel the same way.

Don't worry about posting pictures of your kid though I find in most cases people are much creepier in our heads than in reality.

Kandid Kelli said...


As always beautifully said. You are a fantastic writer and so classy.


Dawn said...

I think you are a great voice for the community and it would be wonderful if you continued to write.

Brave IVF Girl said...

"If I stop blogging and talking about infertility, it perpetuates the myth that infertility ends when you have your child. Cancer survivors don't stop fighting for a cure once they are healthy.

So why should we stop fighting once we become parents?"

Excellent point. I do think the conversation changes, but it doesn't have to change topic.

Amy said...

Like like like like like like like

Lindsay said...

I totally get why you would continue to blog about infertility even after adopting, IF does change you and the way you see the world. No harm in integrating both though!