Wednesday, August 3, 2011

can i ask a personal question?

WHY are people so obsessed with getting me pregnant?

Since we discovered the "issues" with my pituitary gland, I've lost count of how many times I've heard, "So . . . does this mean you can get pregnant?" Or, the number of times I've heard stories about women getting their prolactin levels regulated and then getting knocked up.

Don't worry. I'm not mad if you're one of the dozens of people who've asked me this or if you're one of the women who has shared her experience. I'm just curious as to why people care so much.

Because, the truth is, I don't care.

No really. I don't. Just to satisfy the masses, though: Yes, it has crossed my mind that there is a possibility of getting pregnant. No, we are not pursuing pregnancy. I don't necessarily think that it's anyone's business why, but I'm going to write about it anyway.

I'm not opposed to getting pregnant down the road, if it's even possible. Yes, regulating my prolactin levels would probably increase our chances. Unfortunately, there are plenty of other factors to think about. For one, there are still male factor issues. While they aren't extreme, they aren't great, either. We would still need to do a minimum of IUIs to get pregnant. For another, I'm not ready to embark on the physical journey required of me for more fertility treatments. I went through three surgeries in 13 months. I put so much medication in my body, I don't look or feel like the same person I used to. Then, there's time. Wasting more time putting my body through IUIs, putting Joey through more testing . . . it's not worth it, because there is still no guarantee. If it doesn't work, we'll be right back to where we are now.

But mostly, and this is the #1 reason for not trying to get pregnant: it doesn't matter how I become a mom at this point.

I know it's not meant to come across this way, but asking me if I'm going to try and get pregnant or offering up pregnancy success stories makes me feel like people don't view adoption as a "real" way of becoming a mom. Or that all I ever wanted in the first place was to be pregnant. That's not true. All I ever wanted were kids, and now all I care about is having ONE child. Whether that child comes out of me or is dropped off on my doorstep by some mysterious stork doesn't make a difference. I learned a long time ago that I could be a mom any way I want. (Hell, I'm technically a mom now to a furry, 12-pound diva of a miniature dachshund.) And this, adoption, is the way I want to be a mom.

Being a mom isn't about carrying a child. It's about caring for a child. I know I've written that dozens of times before, but it's worth repeating here. Did I envision this path when I first set out to become a parent? No. I didn't look at Joey at the beginning of this and say, "Hey! Let's adopt a baby." I said, "Hey! Let's try and have a baby." Along the way, our path changed. I've embraced that path.

I only wish other people would, too.

19 comments:

~Rae~ said...

I LOVE THIS POST!!! I wish that when I was going thru my major IF time, I would have had support like now.There is so much support now than there ever was back in the early 90's. People were just as invasive as they are now, but ALWAYS had some form of 'advice' to give. Believe me when I tell you I've heard & tried it all--never to have gotten pregnant. I am a mom because of adoption. I AM A "MOM"!!! Will I always 'miss' the idea of never feeling life grow inside of me? Probably, but it's not debilitating anymore. I love my son and I LOVE being a MOM!!! And in the end, it really didn't matter how I became a mom, when I held my son for the very 1st time. He was mine, as if he came straight out of my body!

Rebecca said...

I admit that when I heard about your diagnosis I thought "I wonder what they'll do, now." But, that was really because I wondered what *I* would do in that situation and it isn't clear for me.

It is *SO* clear from everything I know about *you,* though, that you are ready to be parents and that the path that is perfect for you, now, is adoption. I never really questioned that this change would suddenly make you jump back onto the treatment train. I've just hoped it will be something that can help you get off of the pain train!!

Serenity said...

The only thing I've wondered is if finding out that you have medicall issues changes your view of getting pregnant. Not whether or not you CAN get pregnant, but how it's affected your thoughts on it.

And I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of others getting pregnant once they stopped trying, now that we've told people that we're done.

Yeah, sorry. We haven't been on birth control since O was born in March 2008. It's not "just going to happen" because we've stopped trying.

Meh. Anyway, it's a pet peeve of mine. And it's because people want to be helpful, and they think "HEY! she has a diagnosis! She CAN get pregnant!" Yes, like they think that it's really the ONLY way to become a mom.

It's lame, and I'm sorry.

xoxo

AnotherDreamer said...

Great post. I marvel at people's response too. I imagine they're trying to be helpful, but going at it the wrong way. That doesn't make their comments any easier though.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

A wonderful post. I still get asked all the time if we are going to try this or that... no... we've moved on to adoption! It annoys me when people don't appreciate that fact.

Jem said...

I think that responding with the following (to those over 50) is appropriate:

"Have you had your colonoscopy yet?"

I'm just saying...!!! (why do people ask such personal questions?).

Of course, it's about "caring for a child" rather than carrying one. Rae said it best!

Tillie said...

BRILLIANT post. I'm sorry that people automatically jump to you going back to TTC...that journey blows, no joke, and I wouldn't wish that upon ANYONE. I am proud of you for speaking out. I know soon you will be a mom through adoption (and YES doxies do make us mommies - they are so needy lol). Just keep your path and don't let others make you question or second guess YOU and YOUR choice. I'm here for you :)

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I think people think they are helping. They just don't think before they speak! Great post!

Jana said...

Thank you for writing this. After many IUI's and 1 halted IVF treatment due to lack of stim, plus the fact I have RLS and can't sleep without meds, but can't take meds while pregnant...we are finally starting to think about adoption. I am still grieving the biological loss, but also anticipating this new, exciting journey and your words were very encouraging and motivating. Thanks!

mylifeofmisconceptions said...

We have had similar experiences - we tell someone we're adopting and they immediately launch into a million questions that usually start with "well have you tried..." It's so hard to make (some) people understand that becoming a parent through adoption is not second best or a consolation prize. Being a mom (or dad) is what's important, regardless of how you get there. I feel your frustration!

Danielle said...

All. Of. This. Your path is amazing, and so are you.

amiracle4us said...

I love this post! You are right....however you become a mom doesn't matter, you are still a mom!

I wish my husband could see it that way....

Kelly said...

People are just so invasive some times. I think they also end up asking stupid questions when they don't know what to say. My oldest, by birth is 19, my youngest adopted through foster care, at 13 months, just turned 5. People have asked what country she is from, why we didn't have our "own" kids, and so many more questions. Great post. Children are a gift from God, however they come into your family. People just need to realize that and butt out.

Trisha said...

We used to get the same comments all of the time. Most people didn't know the battle we were undergoing. Then when we decided on adoption and everything went through, some thought they could ask us really personal questions about him and his birthfamily. It doesn't ever seem to end :)

Three Cats and a Baby said...

Wonderful post. A post I had a feeling you would be writing ;)

Whitney Anderson said...

What is wrong with people? It's so ridiculous for people to think they know some secret you don't. And, the stories...I hate hearing stories from people about how so-and-so finally conceived. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I'm starting to get some of that too unfortunately.

Amaprincess said...

Hugs! Unless you are in the situation...you don't get it! My favorite was when my ex boyfriend started giving me advice to "relax". In a world full of fertiles, just know that there is a whole bunch of us here that love and "get" you!

Logical Libby said...

I love that you are brave enough to say this. I still am not there. I still feel like there is a part of me letting myself or others down if I give up on pregnancy -- even though I am pretty happy with how things are.

Good for you.

Geochick said...

It's annoying isn't it? It seems to be the knee jerk reaction of some people. Frustrating!