Thursday, June 9, 2011

the meaning of a fucked-up life

I have been lapped thrice. Yes. A person is now pregnant with their third child in three years. This person.

I'm not angry about not being pregnant. Or sad. But moments like these only make me lose more faith in the way that God or the Universe or who/what-ever operates.

Two women I know in this community lost babies this week. Lisa delivered her twins (a boy and a girl) at 21 weeks, and Audrey lost her sweet baby boy at 15 weeks. Why do people who work so hard to experience the joy of motherhood go through so much pain and others don't? I want to understand how life is so simple and easy for some and so difficult for others. Never would I wish losing a child on ANYONE, but why must anyone lose babies at all - especially those who have spent years trying so hard to become mothers. Especially people like Lisa and Audrey who've lost other children.

I realize I'm wasting my time by trying to find the meaning of life and how it works. I do. But I can't help myself. How someone can have three children in three years of marriage and others have to lose multiple children?

In the midst of so much sadness in this community and my own struggles having now passed the three-year mark of us trying to become parents, I can't comprehend why things happen the way they do.

27 comments:

unaffected said...

I've often wondered the same things. It doesn't make sense that something so expected of us is so difficult as well. And then people like Casey Anthony are fertile... what a waste.

Keep your chin up <3

S said...

The only explanation that makes sense to me is that whether children are conceived and whether pregnancies are successful is pure biology.

When you're talking about biology, there is no "why" in the philosophical sense. God/The Universe/fate/whatever has no involvement in this area, beyond having set "the rules" in motion eons before today.

This explanation makes the most sense to me. Any other possible explanation would not square with my belief in a benevolent god.

Dawn said...

I will never be able to understand loss. Especially when it comes to people that have been trying long-term or suffer multiple losses. I kind of like the idea that it is pure biology.

I'm sorry about the lapping. Super fertiles blow my mind.

Rebecca said...

I don't know and I wish I did. It makes me want to scream and cry at the universe. ((hugs))

Kim said...

I think part of the struggle with this thought stems from our beliefs (as Christians) that God is in control and therefore he can give life and take away life. And if that is the case, then what exactly is the selection process and how the Fuck do you not take it personally when your not one of the chosen ones?!

And if God is not in control if it's all completely random, then all the prayer and faith in the world isnt going to change a damn thing. How do you like them apples?! Makes me angry.

missohkay said...

I really wonder. I have 2 male cousins who both have 2 oops-babies (one cousin lost custody of his). And they write facebook statuses like this (100% real, I promise)... cousin #1: "So had a run in wit baby moms n da bf last they sped off like a bunch of b!*#hes haha they know wat it is nxt time u cross dat bridge call me 1st make sure its safe." Cousin #2: roes are red, nuts are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it is stiff, stick it in!"

This is not natural selection - why do those utter fuckups get babies but those of us who could provide stable homes (and, um, brains) don't?

Keiko said...

Have you read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People?" It's largely religiously focused, but it's a worthwhile read. Harold Kushner is a fantastic author.

When there's all this sorrow, anger, and pain - sometimes it's worth it to celebrate yourself or something, however you can, finding those moments of being grateful for the abundance around us. I know this sounds like total hooey-fluffyy-hippie crap, but I'm serious - give yourself a moment of pause to say, "What is good and abundant and brings me joy?"

Then celebrate the SHIT out of it.

I am also a fan of spontaneous cake. Buy a cake, invite some people over, and when they ask what's the occasion, simply say, "We're celebrating how fucking delicious this cake is. Now eat up friends."

Thinking of you hun. Not trying to make light, just tryin' to get you to crack a smile. *hug*

ifcrossroads.com said...

It's for these very reasons that I don't believe there is a God anymore.

Yeah. I said it.

Princess Andy said...

i had two pregnancies without issues, and two healthy full term babies.

i was SO innocent(stupid), with nary a thought in my mind that a baby could die...that a woman could have a miscarriage.

until it happened to me.

so i like to agree with the biology theory...i don't believe that any higher power is in control of whether someone deserving or not deserving can have a baby...because then i would have to assume that women like susan smith or casey anthony are more deserving than a woman who has tried to conceive for 5 years or another who lost her child before it was born?

that's bullshit.

the world would be a better place if good things happened to good people and vice versa for the idiots. sometimes (okay, a lot of times) i hate the world.

katie, you are awesome. i hope that you can stay so insightful and open on your life journey...blessings for happiness and everything else you so deserve.

<3

manymanymoons said...

No words, just sending a ((hug)) your way. :(

serenity said...

I don't understand it either. Not at all. And the more I think about it, the angrier I get.

So I've stopped thinking about it. Mostly. Weeks like these, though, get me. It's not fair.

xoxo

Sushigirl said...

It's bollocks. I haven't been lapped yet, but I'm sure I'll get an announcement any day now. And it sucks.

On the plus side, your pal must have a vag like the Channel Tunnel. Unless she's getting sections, her husband must think he's putting a sausage up a stairwell (disclaimer: sorry, very bitchy comment but it's been a very bad day!).

someday-soon said...

It makes absolutely no sense at all! And it's so flippen unfair...

Brittany said...

I've been lapped many times by many people during all of this, and it never ever gets any easier. I'm with the rest of the girls in saying that it doesn't make any fucking sense. The IF community has been hit hard this week (I know of at least three other women other than who you mentioned who miscarried this week as well, another one with twins at 16 weeks) and it just doesn't make any sense to me. NONE.

I'm calling bullshit as well.

Hang in there sweetie. We are all here for you.

Kelly said...

What you just blogged about is exactly why I've had such an incredibly difficult time with all of this. It doesn't make sense and it never will and, unfortunately, that's something I will never be able to accept or understand.

BrokenBirdsBees said...

I ask myself the same thing some days.

Rebecca said...

I really understand this. A woman who got married just a month before my husband and I, who married his best friend and tried to copy all aspects of our marriage plans claimed to be infertile. Three boys and five years later she has decided to get an IUD. Each time she got pregnant by an oops and the last pregnancy was shortly after she delivered her second son. I just want one genetic child. It really makes me cranky when folks like us who really do want a child bad go without. Our hunger for being a parent needs to be fed too.

Danielle said...

It never makes any sense, does it? Wish I had any words of wisdom or comfort, but I don't. So here's a virtual hug.

A Shadow of My Former Self said...

I wonder this often and happenings like those you wrote about really shake my faith in God (or whomever) to the core. I feel like I've been fooled by my years of faith and hope. Like we've all been fools.

amiracle4us said...

I have thought the same thing, especially more recently with us on the verge of four years. The thrice surpassed is or was for me, a very hard one.
I've come to understand life makes no sense and the more I try to figure it out, the madder I get.
Why are there infertiles that would be the best parents and they can't have one kid and then there are couples with 19 darn kids!!!

AnotherDreamer said...

I wonder the same damn thing :( You really can't help it. It breaks my heart.

And passing year anniversaries of trying to become parents is so so hard (*hugs*) Thinking of you.

Alice said...

My heart just sinks thinking about those losses. I wish I knew the answers...

Kez71 said...

Ive been lapped a lot too..we have been TTC for 5 years and in that time 3 friends have had 8 babies between them..makes a girl feel soo inadequate.

It Is What It Is said...

It isn't fair and there is no rhyme or reason. It just is what it is.

Mrs. V said...

I just ran across your blog. And I wanted to send you a hug. You are so eloquent, and I know that it must be hard for you.

You are so right, many people have children and think nothing of it. Every day I'm thankful, and I realize how amazing it is to have a healthy child. And to have been able to carry her to term.

I'm praying for you just as I prayed for myself. I truly hope that you are given the blessing that you so sincerely deserve.

I hope that my comment isn't taken out of context. I just couldn't read and run.

JustHeather said...

*hugs*

Hopeful Mother said...

I completely feel your pain. I have two older sisters, one with three kids, the other with two and currently pregnant. Her and I got pregnant around the same time, I miscarried two days before Christmas. My husband and I have been trying for 2.5 years, it's getting exhausting. Especially when everyone around me keeps having the ease of conceiving.

Ever heard of NaPro Technology? We just started working with a NaPro doctor after we decided to forego IVF. A completely different approaching to infertility, they look at the underlying causes and work in treating them.

~Celia
www.eatscreamcry.blogspot.com