Monday, May 9, 2011

where are my unicorns?

In some kind of normal, sane world, I'd be able to write the following statement about Friday's doctor appointment:

"My doctor's appointment went well! Doctor #3 knew exactly what was wrong, and we have a wonderful plan to fix it."

I have no idea where that world exists, but I imagine it filled with rainbows, unicorns, and many adorable babies - of which I could have my pick.

Instead, in Katie's world, this line from RE#3 sums up my two-hour visit:

"I wish I didn't have my clinicals this morning, because now I'm going to be thinking about this all weekend."

Yes, that's right. My name is Katie, and I'm a medical freak. A mystery. Something to be marveled. And it actually has nothing to do with cysts.

I ovulated. On a triple dose of birth control.

Let's back up. After the surgery in April, I stayed on my original birth control pill (Micronor) and my gynecologist added a double dose of Norethindrone (meaning 10 mg a day). That's three birth control pills per day. Essentially, my ovaries and uterus should look like the eye of a hurricane: calm, with no activity.

Instead, the lining of my uterus - which should be thin to the point of near-bleed - is over 1 cm thick. And my right ovary showed a collapsing follicle, one that looks as though it recently popped out an egg.

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't anymore. I wish I were hopeful, but I'm not anymore. I'm at this loss of what to think or feel about my body. How is it possible that it reacts exactly opposite of how it should on that much progesterone? How is it possible that I don't ovulate when I'm not on birth control and I DO ovulate when I'm on birth control?

This should not be rocket science.

They are OVARIES. And a uterus! Women have had them for as long as we've existed. And how is it that no one can figure out how and why mine are miscommunicating with the rest of my body?


Reeling it back in . . . here's the plan:

I went off the pills immediately. My last dose was Thursday night. We will let my period come naturally. Then, we'll go back in for another ultrasound and try a new medication.

Because I haven't had a period since February and because my lining is so incredibly thick, we can expect Aunt Flo to be a raging bitch. The doctor warned me it would be a "doozy" with nausea, clots, and dizziness. The cramps are already in full force, so I can't wait until the bleeding starts and I feel like ripping someone's face off.

Normalcy. That's all I want. I want to go back to normal. Only I forget what normal feels like. Instead THIS is what feels normal - doctors, more doctors, pain, bleeding, hospitals, cysts, medication, hot flashes. I'm tired.

And I want to know when I get to experience the unicorns and rainbows and babies.

27 comments:

KT said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully you will have some answers soon...

Jen Has A Pen said...

What a frustrating appointment. I know how badly you needed/wanted an "Oh, this is your problem! Take this pill, rub this buddha, spin in 6 circles, and voila!" I feel so rotten for you. It's a bitch to NEVER know what's going on inside your gut.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Blah, how frustrating for you!

EBC said...

dear universe, this gal's had enough. move on, nothing to see here. please allow her to find her unicorn and freaking rainbow already. seriously, leave her alone already!

Marianne said...

WTH? Do they have any idea why you ovulated on the BC?

Jen said...

Oh, Katie. I'm so sorry. I hate hate hate that you're still dealing with this. It is terribly unfair, and I can't imagine how upsetting it must be to continually see your body surprise you like this. I think that the "betrayal" of our bodies is one of the hardest parts of this journey. I hope he at least gave you an Rx for some super-ibuprofen (or something better!). Sending hugs and strength.

Tillie said...

holy crap Katie -- I'm sorry that shit isn't working the way it should. It's so unfair. Maybe the unicorn is living IN your uterus so that's the problem?? ;)

AnotherDreamer said...

So sorry for all the crap. I saw it on Twitter... so freaking crazy! I really hope that someone gets things sorted out soon for you.

Rach said...

So sorry the appointment didn't go better. The experience of not having answers is awful. My RE called me an enigma. Gee thanks!

A said...

i think blogger ate my first comment :-P anyway, i am so sorry that you can't catch a break lately. will be hoping your unicorns come galloping along very soon (HUG)

Rebecca said...

I'm truly sorry that you are having these problems. I wish our bodies came with owners manuals.

Rebecca said...

That's just crazy! I'm so sorry, Katie. I hope the new doctor has some answers at some point and I hope AF goes quickly at least. (((hugs)))

Marybeth said...

That is insane. Normalcy is right girlfriend. I want it for you so bad!! I'm sitting around waiting for AF to show too (a whopping CD47 now), but I hope once she rears her ugly head to us both that it won't be too horrible. Hope you're able to have a good week :)

Marla said...

Oh no! Just reading about your impending visit with AF is making me nauseous. For you! Good grief! W-T-Flying-F!

arlnurse said...

oh sweetie, I'm so incredibly sorry!!! I had a friend who conceived on bcp's & her dr said it was because she was screwed up hormonally & had PCOS that she never knew about & they balanced her out too well. I hope with all of my heart that he was wrong about AF ( after all, he IS a man!) & she comes & leaves quickly! In the meantime, have several drinks & a huge box of chocolate! xoxo

Sandy said...

I'm so sorry!

Kelly said...

Katie,

I know our situations are different, but this line, "They are OVARIES. And a uterus! Women have had them for as long as we've existed. And how is it that no one can figure out..." really hit home with me. It's exactly how I felt after each WTF visit following my miscarriages.

I'm here for you whenever you need me. I'm hoping and praying this doctor finally figures it out.

Carli said...

I'm sorry - I know you were really hoping to walk away from this appointment with answers rather than with more questions. I am sure that you didn't leave feeling great about being a mystery to modern medicine.

I do hope that Dr3 comes up with some sort of explanation and treatment plan for you.

It seems as if the least Mother Nature could do would be to give you a break in this area.

Logical Libby said...

I am so sorry. It's amazing how an A+B=C process can get so fucked up -- and no one knows why.

Keep your head up.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Ugh...this really sucks...sorry you have to deal with this. HUGS!

amiracle4us said...

I was SOOO hoping for some answers for you :( I will continue to think/pray for you Katie....xo

Brave IVF Girl said...

Yuck, I hate it when that happens. *hugs*

Silver lining - at least you get to come off the birth control pills, which I know you were hating.

*hugs*

Brave IVF Girl said...

Yuck, I hate it when that happens. *hugs*

Silver lining - at least you get to come off the birth control pills, which I know you were hating.

*hugs*

Trisha said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I hope you get the right answer soon!

someday-soon said...

UGH, so frustrating!!! I'm sorry you didn't get answers...hopefully they are coming soon.

Tammy said...

Aw, Katie, this just sucks. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't get it -- wouldn't some doctor somewhere know what's going on? Certainly this must've happened to someone, somewhere, and be in some medical literature. I was saying to my husband how much I hate being poked and prodded and no answers yet, and I can't even imagine having to deal with such mysteries. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and thanking you for being so willing to share all of this with us. Sending comfort your way.

AL said...

UGH, this is so frustrating. I hope this doc is the one that figures out a treatment plan that WORKS for you.

Hugehugs.