When I had my laparoscopy a little over a year ago, I had irrational fears about what the doctor might find once he cut me open. An alien growing inside of my uterus. A testicle instead of an ovary. A giant block of cheese wedged somewhere in my abdomen (because Joey teases me incessantly about eating too much cheese). I had more realistic hopes. Like the doctor finding a definitive reason why we couldn't get pregnant.
Instead, I ended up with no clear answers and even more questions when the next two IUIs turned out to be massive failures.
It's strange, but I envy people who can say with confidence why they can't get pregnant. Their tubes are blocked. They have no sperm. They have premature ovarian failure. Their uterus can't support a pregnancy. These are easy things to explain. Instead, when I am posed the question of, "Why are you infertile?" my answer is always a huff of laughter and, "Where do I begin?"
And as if there weren't enough questions already swimming around my worrisome little brain, this latest doctor's appointment only added fuel to the uncertainty. For so long, I thought it was difficult - practically impossible - for my ovaries to work properly. Yet, here they are, working right in the one situation where they absolutely shouldn't.
Not only was my body in disarray, but so was my mind.
What if this entire time it was actually possible for me to be pregnant? What if the chance was there all along, but the methods were wrong? What if it was simply a matter of some weird hormone combination that would whip my reproductive system into shape?
This experience brings questions to the surface that I didn't want to think about. Questions that I thought I'd dealt with and moved past. I don't WANT to be pregnant. So why was I thinking about it on Friday? Thinking about it made me feel wrong. Guilty. I know in the depths of my heart that pursuing adoption is the right choice for us, and I still second guessed myself.
But maybe it's not so black and white. Maybe it's not so cut and dry. Maybe it's not just "adoption and nothing else" for us. I know for certain that I don't want to do IVF. But what if that means, down the road, we try a few more IUIs. What is so wrong with having two children in our lives, just arriving to us in different ways? What is so wrong with adopting a baby and then getting pregnant with a sibling?
I feel like I'm finally coming to terms with this idea of building a family in various ways. That I don't need to have children one way or another way. That just because I don't want to get pregnant now, doesn't mean that I won't want to try in another few years. I need to focus on the moment, rather than what was or was not right or possible last year and what may or may not be right or possible in the years to come.
I don't know for certain that I can even get pregnant. We may never know. But right now I know what I want: I want a child, and I want that child through adoption. I don't have the strength in me at the moment to try and get pregnant. When it comes to my reproductive system, my physical health is in no shape to carry a child for nine months. What I want right now is to find the baby who is out there waiting for us to bring him/her home. No more hanging onto dreams of a miracle conception or a healthy pregnancy.
At least not right now. Not in this moment.