Friday, February 25, 2011

reflections on one year

One year ago this morning, I was in the passenger seat of our car, headed to the hospital for my laparoscopy.

I was hopeful - hopeful that the surgery would go well, hopeful that it would bring with it a quick and easy recovery, and hopeful that it would eventually lead way to a successful pregnancy.

For the most part, those hopes came true.

But for the one that didn't, I have to wonder if things were meant to be the way they are now. If things had happened according to my hopes, I wouldn't be as involved with RESOLVE as I am now. I wouldn't be in graduate school. I wouldn't have been able to quit a job that made me so unhappy.

We wouldn't be adopting.

I joked this week in my exhausted and delirious state that, "Infertility builds character." Only it wasn't a joke. It's true. The past year - the surgery, the failing, the break, and the decision - all of those things built character. They put us on the right path. Even though it still hurts, and the wound is still so fresh, I know that saying good-bye to my fertility will help me forward. I have a daily reminder of it: the pain. While one year brought us this far in our journey to have a baby, it hasn't taken me far on the journey to regain my health.

That's not what I'm going to think about today.

Instead, I'm going to think about the hope I felt on that cool, February morning, and that same hope I'll feel walking out the door this morning. It's the hope that we are making the right decision. It's the hope that we will someday get what we've worked so hard for. It's the hope that our baby is out there somewhere, and that we are doing everything in our power to bring him or her home to us.

26 comments:

Jen Has A Pen said...

Katie, your attitude is uplifting - even though the post covers heartbreaking moments. I am happy to have started getting to know you amidst the beginning of your adoption plans. I am eager to continue following your experiences and am wishing nothing but the very best for you guys.

missohkay said...

Gorgeous. I'm glad you were able to take so many steps to better your life. (And I hope the character I'm building eventually outweighs the bitterness. Not there yet.)

Josey said...

Great character indeed!

Rebecca said...

Wonderfully said. I'm filled with hope for you as well.

Dawn said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have so much hope for you, Katie. You have great character and you will be such an AMAZING mother.

Secret Sloper said...

You have more character than almost anyone I know. And yeah, we'd rather have the baby than the "character-building experiences" that preceded it. But you will get there. You are on the right path. And you will be the most kick-ass mom ever because of that incredible character you've developed.

myTTCstory said...

It certainly does build character!

I'm glad to hear you're thinking so postively. I wish you all the luck in the world with your adoption journey.

MyTTCstory x

Rach said...

So excited for you and glad you are feeling the hope! It's a wonderful feeling!

manymanymoons said...

Great attitude. I'm hoping it's contagious. :)

Marla said...

You are 'spot-on' with this post! It does build character!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

It does build character... but not in an easy way at all.

I am so excited you and I will be going through the adoption process at similar time Katie. Send me your email to jesstutt (at) gmail.com for an invite to my adoption blog.

Also wanted to be sure you saw I had a new blog address.

jill's infertility document said...

This post is inspiring and very hopeful. Your child is out there and I hope you bring that child home very soon.

Arlyne said...

beautifully written as always, & as always I continue to hope for nothing less than you deserve...the very, very best! xoxoxo

Kelly said...

It does build character. And empathy. And understanding. And strength.

I'm glad through all of this that you still have hope.

AL said...

Wonderful, hopeful post. IF definitely builds character and we will be better moms because of it.

someday-soon said...

Hope isn't always easy to come by...I'm so happy you've found some and have such a wonderful attitude =) I think you're right IF and everything about the journey builds character and makes us people we would not have been otherwise.

amiracle4us said...

I believe all experiences, good or bad, make us into who we are and who we are supposed to be. I hate some of the experiences I have had to endure to make me me, but they all serve a purpose I suppose.
I am glad to hear you seem happier and hopeful. I for one, can't wait to see your story unfold and to meet your baby that you WILL have and hopefully soon :)

oh and i started a blogspot blog too and will likely drop the tumblr one.

Alex said...

Wonderful post. And you're right - infertility really builds character - for all of us. Great attitude!

AplusB said...

I always think back to where I was a year ago and how things change so much from my "plan" - I am so excited for you as you prepare for your adoption. You will be such an amazing mother and will no doubt pass on much wisdom to your future child. Lucky baby!

~C~ said...

What a beautiful post. You're right, infertility does build character. Adversity is really the only thing that does. It's easy to be of strong character when everything is going right; it's when things go bad that it gets hard. Kudos to you for your great outlook.

myinfertilitywoes said...

What a great post and interestingly, I just wrote one this morning along the same lines of taking stock on where we are 1 year later and how I've been changed and how I'm moving forward.

I'm so glad to feel your sense of peace. (((hugs)))

suchagoodegg said...

Hope is a powerful thing. I know this isn't where you hoped to be a year ago, but it's beautiful that you are forging a new path, and nurturing new hopefulness today.

I love your posts, Katie, so very much. xoxo

Adele said...

Your baby is out there, or in somewhere, or waiting to come into being. The passage of time - it's hard. But you've done amazing things. And you've kept going. And your baby will BE.

Crossed Fingers said...

I love the theme of hope in this post! I hope for you as well and I hope it's soon!

Logical Libby said...

Just know it's okay to still feel the loss. It doesn't make what you are doing any less important or special. Actually, it probably makes it more.

marriage20 said...

Katie, your post made me smile. My dad always used to say that to me, too, anytime I suffered a failure, a loss or a disappointment: "It builds character." I hated him each time I said it, but he was always right. You are such an inspiration as I begin my own journey with infertility and adoption, and I hope you'll keep writing as you continue yours. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.