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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

moving forward

I'm better today.


I just needed to get that out. And I needed to disable comments because I already feel guilty enough. I didn't need anyone agreeing that I am a horrible person to make me feel even more terrible that I already do.


I'm almost finished with my first book on adoption. PCOSChick sent me several books before the new year, and the first one I chose to read was A Love Like No Other: Stories from Adoptive Parents. It's a great book - incredibly honest and moving. It doesn't paint adoption as a perfect picture, which I love (because I know it's not perfect), but it also doesn't focus only on the negatives. Right now, I need a good balance of both.

Some of you have asked when we plan to start the paperwork process. Joey and I sat down and discussed it, and we agreed on August. If it were up to me, I'd probably start things right away, but Joey wanted to wait until the end of the year. So, we compromised - because that's what relationships are all about, right? :) Even though a true compromise would have been JUNE, I think August will work just fine since we'll be in between the summer and fall semesters.

This past weekend, we started our quest for nursery furniture and theme ideas. I've been looking at baby bedding for months, and, honestly, most of it is hideous unless you pay a ton of money. I have a feeling we'll end up with very plain bedding because I can't stand the busy patterns. But, in positive news, we decided on a nursery theme. Or should I say that Joey decided on a nursery theme, and I think it's too cute to pass up - since it involves my absolute favorite animal - next to dogs, of course: pandas!

So there it is: me being positive. That's good, right? I can be positive. Are you getting whiplash yet from my mood swings?

I am.


PCOSChick said...

You are positive!! I am so glad you are enjoying the book-that was my first one too & I loved it.

I am excited that you have a plan, that always helps & can make you feel better.

Kim said...

I am so glad today is a better day and your allowed to be or feel negative somedays, it's the ebb and flow of life, and especially life with IF. Love the Panda's- so darn cute! I got excited reading and thinking about starting a nursery! great news.

Waiting Lisa said...

I love pandas! I can't wait to see pictures when you do your nursery. We have a huge framed photo of a panda in our bedroom. My brother took it at the zoo in Berlin. It's actually right next to Jayden's bed <3

Who knows, maybe as you work on nursery planning more Joey will want to work on paperwork and get the ball rolling. :)

(The paperwork really isn't that bad. It's the waiting around after that is hard.)

Maureen said...

Hey Girl! So sorry you were having a down day. It is so allowed!! I agree that most baby bedding is UGLY. I have fun playing on ETSY seeing if I can design my own, but I am not so creative. August will be here before you know it. In the meantime, enjoy the planning and reading up:)

A said...

I am so glad that you are looking forward and compromising on timelines, etc. I think the panda theme will be perfect for your little one!

serenity said...

I feel like, in order to MOVE forward, you have to let yourself feel the grief and pain. That's why the phrase "one step forward, two steps back" is around, you know?

For whatever reason, for me? Visualizing that I was just riding the rollercoaster through the downs and ups seemed to help me be able to step back and get some perspective.

You're being too hard on yourself. You're ALLOWED to be excited and postive, and ALLOWED to be angry and bitter and sad. All at once.

[Stepping off my soapbox] I love the idea of pandas for a nursery. Can't wait to see what you do with it. :)


Sarah S said...

Glad to hear today is a better day,

I love Panda's too, I think that is a very good theme!!!

I really wanted to comment on your post yesterday.

You are not a horrible person, and anyone who says that you are is an idiot!!! Anyone who has been on this roller coaster knows that you have ups and downs. Sometimes you think and say things that people outside the world of IF may not understand, but we do!!

So if anyone tells you that you are a horrible person, you can just tell them to suck your fart out!! This is your life and you are entitled to your feelings!!!

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

Sometimes we just need to vent! Your post yesterday was simply what all of us have felt at one time or another so if you're an awful person so are the rest of us infertiles! And, on that note, we're only human to feel that way so I don't feel badly feeling like that either.

As for your adoption progress, how awesome! I love that you have a game plan and are researching and doing everything you can right now to prepare. Wishing you the best. xo

Dee said...

Having a plan is a good start. I'm the type of person that needs to have a plan or I feel like there is no end.

Also, if you ever have any questions about the adoption process, feel free to ask me. I have a (now 7 year old) daughter that I adopted through domestic adoption.

PS- Pandas will be a fantastic theme!

Mrs. Lemon said...

Yay for feeling better but honestly...yay for yesterdays post. When you said "I have nothing left to give, and yet I keep trying to be the happiest, most supportive person I can be. The well is dry, and yet I find a way to reach down and find a smile. Half of me. While the other half is miserable and asks, "Why not me? What did I ever do to deserve this?"

It summed up completely how I was feeling as well. Sometimes this is all just too much. We are allowed to have a bad day and BLOG about it! Glad you are feeling better though for sure!

lis said...

Katie, NONE of this is easy. The fact that MOST of what you have been through has been unexpected makes it even worse. I'm sure if we were brought up knowing we'd have trouble having children it would be easier to take. Years of disappointment and sadness don't just go away, even with adoption on the doorstep. And neither do the feelings of inadequacy, confusion and anger that go hand in hand with Infertility. So many of us know that and you, my friend, are NEVER alone. You have been through hell and it is okay to mourn. We're always here when you need a shoulder to cry on or to be lifted back to your feet. I just know that next year this time great things will be happening!! xoxo Lis

someday-soon said...

You are certainly not a horrible person, everyone has down days and with all you're going through I'd be worried if you didn't. Happy you are feeling better today! August sounds like a great time to start the paperwork and I love the panda theme, so very cute =)

Sarah Q said...

Love the Pandas!!! :) My husband is kind of obsessed with them, too.

And honestly, every single person who has dealt with IF has dealt with all those negative emotions. If someone claims to have never had any they would just be a liar.

So way to go on being honest!! :)

Stefanie Blakely said...

A nursery purchase is an AWESOME step-- enjoy feathering your nest because a baby IS coming to you. XOXO.

suchagoodegg said...

Dude, your post yesterday was honest and real and I don't think any of us would EVER think something unkind about you. You give, give, give and are such an amazing support to each of us (I can say this from personal experience, as you know!). It's okay to feel sapped and to vent.

So excited about your forward progress on adoption and the nursery!!!!!!!!! xoxo

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Katie, I think you and I are on a similar wavelength these past few days. And mood swings- I hear you. And it's funny but my neck has been sore this week and that's probably why! ;)

I would not judge you and I do not think you are a terrible person. And I don't think any one else does either. We're brave women for admitting these things, because I think it's stages all infertiles go through (as you go through my comments for my bitterness admissions, it might help.)

This is a tough journey! While the compromise with Joey sounds great, I think waiting around to start something can feel crappy sometimes. That's been my issue lately anyways. I think we are in a similar spot. Waiting to start on the next big thing.

Keep up that reading! And try to find one little thing each day to be happy about. Yesterday, a cold brewski and a soft stuffed animal were all the positives I could fine, but hey, at least it's a start.

PANDAS ROCK! They are enough to brighten up even the darkest day. I look at videos of them on youtube when I am feeling low.

myinfertilitywoes said...

I love your honesty and appreciated your last post. I feel that way sometimes too.

Glad today is better though.


Crossed Fingers said...

I love the idea of panadas and I can't wait to see it come together. I think you're in a good place right now, not too positive not too negative. Just right! :) We're here rooting you along and helping you back up when you fall.

Melissa said...

Great nursery theme!! We have 2 stuffed pandas in our daughters room. If you go to Build-A-Bear they have a super cute Panda you can get stuffed. They will give you little hearts, they had us each give our hearts a kiss and they sewed it up into the Panda.

How exciting you have a date set for starting the paperwork and are looking for nursery stuff. Yea for you! You are going to be a Mommy to a child, that child will love you and you will instill values and morals to that child. That is what being a Mommy is all about.

Stephanie said...

Yay for planning the nursery! So super exciting!! :) I'm glad today is better. And yesterday post, ya know what, I'm a horrible person right there with you. It seems as though all the blogs I follow on IF, 75% had BFP in the past couple of weeks. While happy for them, it still sucks and I throw myself why not me pity parties all the time and yea, I know you saw about a family member getting pregnant. Ugh, I could go on and on about that - her getting pregnant is about the equivalent to a teenager getting knocked up. I do NOT understand and it makes me angry and then I feel bad, but hey, we gotta stay honest during this journey. Anyway, sorry for the long comment, you know I love you and am always rooting for you!!

AL said...

I love panda bears, so cute! I can't wait to see what you come up with for the nursery!

Never apologize for feeling the way you do. Honesty is always best - and it's you blog and your place to vent. I totally understand and can relate to the bitterness and being left behind even though I'm on the "other side" now. You are wonderfully supportive person and I will be here to celebrate with you when the day you become a mother comes! XO! (and I cannot wait for that day!)

Bobbi said...

You sound so great!!! I'd have a hard time waiting until August, but compromising is important. I think a lot of your positivity is having something to look forward the nursery!!!! That's going to be loads of fun for you. :) So glad you're feeling better and moving forward with positivity, although I think we are all entitled to moments of complete depression. Infertility does that to us, ya know?

JL said...

Katie, there's nothing wrong with being honest. Sometimes it hurts you, sometimes it hurts others, but if you don't vent here, where can you?

So happy you're in a better frame of mind today!

The Baby Race said...

we're women, we get to have mood swings, it's our right :)

I'm all for plain baby bedding. All that cutesy crap makes me want to kill myself.

So excited to see what you pick out!

Arlyne said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better, & have been thinking about you alot!You are certainly entitled to your feelings, espcially here!

I love so much that you are looking at nursery themes & I think panda's are absolutely adorable :) xoxo

Dawn said...

I love the panda idea! So happy to hear you are feeling better today!!

kkasun said...

Pandas are my favorite animal too!
What a cute idea!

Trisha said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better. I can't wait to see how your journey unfolds!

amiracle4us said...

I can't wait to see it!!!
So happy to see you smiling {or imagining you smiling}

JC said...

I'm so excited for you to be making a nursery purchase! I think that will put a smile on your face ;). There will be a cute little baby there soon.

Don't worry about posting how you're feeling even if it's not positive. I can relate and have moments where I feel the exact same way as your last post.

Let me know what other books you like...I'll be looking for some to read also =).

Christa said...

All I did was nod when I read your last post. No judgement, just agreement. Feel what you feel - in my opinion, it helps get through each day when we don't hide our feelings. :)

Rebecca said...

You are definitely not a horrible person. This crap is just tough.

I'm glad you're moving forward with the nursery. Love the pandas. I still have the stuffed panda my grandfather gave me when I was 5. It has always been my favorite and sometimes I just have to give it a little hug. It's always made me feel like I have a secret connection to pandas. When I see them at the zoo I feel like I should give them a secret wink.

Bean stalk ballads said...

Katie, you rock. You always have. When you have a crap day when you have a good day. It doesnt change the person you are (who is wonderful).

Anonymous said...

This is my first time visiting your blog, and I'm so glad I found you!! If you had enabled comments on your last post, I would have said I'm glad there is someone out there who feels the same way I do!! I don't feel that way all the time, but it pops up from time to time, and it really stinks. But for me, it's a part of life. Wishing you all the best on your journey and looking forward to reading more!

jennifer @ what would jen do said...

i got some books on adoption for christmas. and also i'm thinking august or so for us to start up. sure i'd like to start now but the husband wants to wait a bit for specific reasons

Kakunaa said...

First of all, you are NOT an ugly person. You had a bad day, and in this journey, that makes you HUMAN.

As for the rest, I love that you are making plans and Ilove the panda idea :)

S.I.F. said...

Oh the whiplash my friend! I have so been there the last few weeks!

And when I read your post yesterday, all I wanted to do was hug you... Now, all I want to do is go shopping for some panda stuff for you and your new baby room! :)

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I'm glad you're better, though I totally understand your feelings in the last post.
The panda theme sounds too cute to pass indeed -- hope there will be pictures!

Baby bump bound said...

I am glad you are feeling/doing better. This is all such a process, no matter where you are on this journey, it can take all we have to keep moving forward. I am wishing you graceful perserverance this year. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

AplusB said...

I never got the chance to comment on your last post, but I want you to know that you are HUMAN and your emotions are understandably raw. I think it's great that you have this forum to share and you should NEVER feel like a bad person for just being honest.

Anyway, I am glad you're feeling better and I am so excited for your adoption journey to progress.

The Infertility Doula said...

I don't know what insensitive comments people made about your previous post, but to me it rang so true. The bitterness is hard to get past, but sounds like you've turned a new corner and have much to look forward to. And picking a nursery theme is a beautiful step in the right direction.

I'll be following ;)

Another Dreamer said...

I think the panda theme is adorable!

One day at a time.

I sometimes feel like time has stood still, since we're not doing treatments anymore and we can't pursue adoption or embryo adoption just yet... but slowly we're getting to where we need to be.

Hang in there.

Jen said...

OMG! I'm sooooo excited for your nursery purchases!! Enjoy it babe, you deserve to be positive about this, and see the results of all these years of effort, hope and love.