Monday, January 31, 2011

the devil; or, the creator of birth control

Before the weekend, I was ready to write a cheery blog post about looking at the positives to being on birth control:

I know when AF is going to arrive as opposed to wearing a pad around for a week trying to "guess" and ensure that I don't wear any of the evidence on my clothing.

I get a daily reminder from my phone that it's 8 pm and time to take my pill, meaning I also get a daily reminder of when primetime television starts.

I have an excuse to be a bitch...

But I don't want to be a bitch. And that's what I've been for the last week. If I'm not in a rage about something, I'm doing what I did last night: bawling my eyes out into a carton of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. My tears were not to be stopped until my husband turned on Jersey Shore, because there's nothing funnier or more amusing than orange people getting drunk and making idiots of themselves. Only when the episode ended, the tears promptly started again.

My mood swings (hormones) are out of control.

Here's the thing - I have nothing to be sad or angry about. Life is good. School is going well, the weekend was wonderful, and we're made progress on picking out items for the nursery.

I should be happy.

Instead, last night I cried a lake into my husband's shirt and moaned that I don't want to live like this anymore. And despite his best efforts to comfort me and keep me sane, I'm pretty sure my husband doesn't want to live like this anymore either.

25 comments:

serenity said...

I feel unreasonably irrational on birth control too. I hear it evens out once you get used to it, but I haven't been on the pill regularly for nearly 7 years, so I can't tell you. Mine always ends with shots and even more craziness. *sigh*

I hope this part is over quickly for you.

Hugs.

xoxo

waiting and wishing said...

I think it is pretty clear that clomid and birth control were created by the same person... the DEVIL. Who else would create something that makes women feel that way?!?!?
Maybe it will get better once your body is used to it? Hang in there!

Rebecca said...

Man, I could have written this. I am quickly growing to DETEST the time of day when I have to take that damn BCP and remember how sucky it's going to be. I am an absolute mess. Crying for no reason. Ready to lash out at everyone around me. HATE HATE HATE.

Thursday night my DH learned that his old, junky, loud, falling-apart, 1987, brown, beat-up Honda that I HATE would likely be heading to the junkyard. I couldn't stop crying about it. What the hell is wrong with me?

manymanymoons said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope it gets better for you soon and your hormones give you a break.

Dawn said...

Hormones suck! Can you switch to another brand? It just seems so wrong to suffer from IF and have to take the pill.

Jesica said...

You should definitely go back to your doc and switch BCP until you find the one that doesn't give you side effects. I went through at least 4 before I found one that left me feeling normal.

Christa said...

I agree with the last comment; perhaps you need a new Rx of BCPs. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

BCP really suck...sorry you have to be on them.

I am glad to hear that someone elses loves the trainwreck of JS as much as I do! I hope the show never ends!

A said...

oh gosh. i will be praying that you feel more lighthearted very soon (HUG)

AL said...

i'm so sorry, Katie. hormones suck and I'm so sorry you're not yourself on them. Hope it gets better soon xoxo

Amber said...

I dodged the BCP madness, but I'm willing to bet anyone who's ever TTC knows exactly what you're going through. I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, it's just miserable. I hope it passes quickly. <3

Kelly said...

You don't want to live like this anymore and you're probably right about Joey too. Think about it though...that doesn't mean that you don't want to live with each other. I wish you could have had a problem anywhere else physically than with your lady regions. Then it wouldn't be even more of a reminder of everything that you've had to deal with.

someday-soon said...

BCPs are evil little things! I cry like a baby on them too. Sorry hon {{{HUGS|||

Trisha said...

I'm so sorry! Hang in there!

Hayley said...

Things will get better once your body is used to them, trust me. Don't switch just yet. I know it'll be tempting, but wait it out at least a month. I love youuuu!

The Baby Race said...

So sorry, Katie. I'm sure in a few weeks your body will regulate the hormone levels. It's just hard right now because you just got on them and you're still evening out. *hugs*

Adele said...

I'm sorry. I hate those pills (from hell). I never did well on them. They make me moody as hell.

Hugs to you.

(And, yes, about Jersey Shore).

erika said...

I hate BCPs more than any other drugs in this cruel game so far. The plain suck! *sigh*
I hope you won't need to be on them for very long!

S.I.F. said...

Oh friend! Maybe they could try another brand for you? Or another type of hormones?!? I don't know... I just know you should not be feeling like this! :(

A said...

;-) I gave you an award on my blog- come check it out!

Suzanne said...

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad. Hormones can just really wreck everything! If you get a chance, please check out my blog, Our Search for Hope, at http://gotravel-suzanne.blogspot.com/.

conceptionallychallenged said...

Oh Katie, I'm sorry. I've done well on BCPs, fortunately, but I know the feeling of being trapped in a body that doesn't feel right, that leaves you unable to do pretty much anything except to wait for things to get better.
Thinking of you.

Kakunaa said...

OMG I was a mess on them. I hadn't been on them in ages, and for IVF they put me on a strong variety. For 6 weeks. What a disaster. i'm so sorry :( Perhaps time to try a different variety?

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* I am sorry things are not going well. I agree with your above commenters. Is there a different med you can try?

anne said...

I, too, think bc pills are from the devil.. but probably for other reasons than most :)

I know you are starting the adoption process and that you very much want children, so my next comment has nothing to do with conception/fertility/morality (and totally take it or leave it!), but:

it sounds like the health issues you're having could be solved/helped by means other than birth control pills. I don't know where in FL you are, but if any of these doctors are in your area, I highly recommend checking them out: http://www.fertilitycare.org/florida-medical-consultants/

the NaPro technology they specialize in is a well-researched method of understanding a woman's cycle and hormones and general health. It's likely they could offer an alternative that didn't disrupt your body's own hormones the same way birth control does.

NaPro works *with* your body to understand what's really going on, and I feel like the pill can sometimes (though not always) be used as merely a bandaid over an infected wound--it covers it up, but it doesn't help the infection.

You're right--you shouldn't have to live like this anymore. But I also think there are better answers than birth control..