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Thank you for all of your support over the years! xo

Thursday, December 23, 2010

what is left to break?

I have an appointment with my new gynecologist next week.

My previous gynecologist was located right around the corner from my old job. Since he moved his practice to the Florida Panhandle and how I no longer work at that old job, which was 65 miles away from home, it was time to find a new doctor. I settled on a man I'll call Dr. P.

Dr. P is a member of my regular doctor's practice - Dr. &. I've seen Dr. Y since I was 12 years old, and I take his recommendations very seriously. He knows my entire medical history - depression/anxiety, TMJ, and now infertility. If Dr. P is good enough for him, then he's good enough for me. On top of that, both REs I've seen in the area have recommended Dr. P. I feel confident that I'll be in good hands.

But I don't feel confident about the appointment itself.

I'm nervous for various reasons. For one, I don't like having to explain my entire sordid medical history to a new doctor. I'm worried that he will ask me questions about why we are bailing on infertility treatments before trying IVF when we're "so young" (see previous post). But mostly, I'm not looking forward to the possibility of something being wrong.

Before February 2009, I was FINE with going to the gynecologist. While other women complained about having someone poke and prod their lady bits, it wasn't a big deal for me. It was once a year, and it was harmless. I would get my clean bill of health and went on my merry way.

Everything changed last year when my gynecologist diagnosed me with cervical dysplasia, endometriosis, and infertility - all in one visit.

But even after that and subsequent appointments, even after the referral to an RE, even after numerous tests and infertility treatments, going to the gynecologist still wasn't that bad. I had confidence that my next annual would get me back on track to a clean bill of health - minus the infertility and endo.

Imagine my surprise when instead the doctor found a tumor in my breast. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?, I wondered. I went from being a healthy 23-year-old newlywed in 2008, to a 25-year-old with failing lady parts - talking to my doctor about my chances of needing a pre-menopausal mastectomy and hysterectomy: high.

With all of this, you can guess that I'm not looking forward to Tuesday's appointment. Not that I care about spreading my legs for some new guy. (Because let's face it - I'm pretty confident that the number of people who've seen my vagina at this point is far greater than the number of people who've seen Paris Hilton's bits.) But because I'm scared of the other shoe dropping. Because I don't want another surgery. Because I don't want to be the 25-year-old woman with yet another part of her body dying. Because I am TIRED of being broken.

I already have a broken uterus, broken ovaries, a broken cervix, broken breasts, and a broken heart. Isn't that enough?

28 comments:

sunnymama said...

Oh my goodness that is more than enough already. You have had it tough. (((Hugs))) xx

Kim said...

Wouldnt it be nice for once to walk in and have good news?! Like your endo is gone! Your dysplasia has dissappeared, your pregnant Katie!!! Gosh I hate bad news too and I can totally understand why your nervous, but I am holding out hope for some sort of good news, even if it's "you won the most viewed vagina for 2010 award!"

Hugs my friend. xoxoxoxox

manymanymoons said...

I'm sorry, it sounds like you're going through a rough time. I hope this appointment is ultra boring and you have nothing to report after!

erika said...

(((HUGS))) It is time for better news! I am hoping you will be pleasantly surprised and will find a great doctor with amazing bedside manners and will have an overall good appointment.
Much love your ways!

Stephanie said...

Katie, I wish I could just fix everything for you. You have such an amazing heart! Prayers that next week will go smoothly and you'll have a clean bill of health going into 2011!

Rita said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious about this appointment. It sounds like you're in good hands, though, with all of the recommendations Dr. P has going for him. I hope your appointment is completley boring (in the best way possible). ((hugs))

E and R said...

I would say that is more than enough. Hope next week goes better than you are expecting!

Conceptionally Challenged said...

You've been through enough, Katie. I hope that your body gives you a break, and that your new doctor is supportive of your decisions.

Kelly said...

I can understand why you're feeling nervous. Hang in there. I'm hoping that you have nothing but a good visit.

BabyWid said...

((hugs)) you will be in my thoughts and prayers!

Leslie said...

You have definitely been through more than enough. I hope that you have a very positive experience and that you have found a new dr you are very comfortable with. Thinking of you!

Rebecca said...

Sending giant ((hugs)). It is time for some good news. Sending lots of positive thoughts.

Trisha said...

I hope the appointment goes well and you get that clean bill of health! We've faced our fair share of those appointments too. Hang in there!

Randi said...

No matter what happens tomorrow, it seems like no Dr is going to be able to tell you those concerns are bunk in one appointment - or maybe able to create many more issues. Having just gone through a shit storm, myself, with one thing piling up on the other - you will get through this. It may take time, some things are going to be more serious than others. There's a process of testing and refining to figure out what's really going on. And it feels like a fucking rollercoaster. I'm not gonna lie, it sucks.

But in the end, you will walk through it. It will get resolved, one way or another. I had dysplasia back in 2002, and I ended up needing LEEP surgery. I've had several friends since then have dysplasia and it went away without needing surgery. LEEP was an in-office procedure, and even though I was terrified, it wasn't painful and the healing process was relatively quick.

Hang in there. You're a strong woman and no matter what you will get through all of this. Sending you prayers and hugs. Hang in there and feel free to email me if you want to talk about LEEP surgery or anything else. randi2602(at)gmail(dot)com.

myinfertilitywoes said...

I wish I could jump across the screen and give you a big, giant (((hug))). Here's hoping to Tues not being that bad... thinking of you!

ps - I mentioned you on my blog as giving me positivity :)

Kaitake said...

I am sending you strong positive thoughts for your appointment! You have been through so much already and I really hope you get some good news. Best wishes :)

JC said...

I hope your appointment is non-eventful. I know what you mean about explaining everything to new Dr's, I get anxious too. I'll be thinking about you.

I hope you and Joey and Danica have a great Christmas!

Another Dreamer said...

Lots of (*hugs*) I really hope the appointment it totally uneventful.

Jennifer @ What Would Jen Do said...

maybe this time it will be like, ok everything is the same nothing new and nothing bad!

Kakunaa said...

Oh, honey. I hope it goes smoothly and that all you get is a normal visit. My fingers are crossed for you honey.

Marla said...

Yes, it's enough. More than enough. So, at this point, there's no where to go but up. I'm sure your appt will be a giant snoozefest compared to all you've been through. Hell, it better be. You deserve a break. *hugs*

Merry Christmas! :)

amiracle4us said...

Thinking about youand sending you good wishes! Xo

lowfatlady said...

I would be stressed too. Enough is enough with them finding things wrong. I hope this appointment goes well and it's quick and easy.

Cheryl said...

I don't even know what to say. My heart absolutely breaks for you. I have tried so many times in my life to try and make sense of why one catastrophic thing after another happens to some people whereas others never to seem to have hard moment. It's baffling, perplexing and just downright annoying if I'm honest. So - what I will say is that I'm sorry - I'm sorry that there are people like us that seem to have "more character building experiences" in a matter of years than some see in a lifetime. I won't bother to point out that it isn't fair so I'll just say that it sucks. Again, I'm sorry.

I am so happy that you have decided to adopt and I know that you are going to be one amazing mom. I sincerely hope that you and Joey have a very Merry Christmas.

heartincharge said...

God Bless you!

The Baby Race said...

So sorry, hon. Hoping the appointment goes well on Tuesday. *hugs*

Dawn said...

Praying that you have smooth visit. You deserve a break!

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

Katie, You're right--it's more than enough. It's TOO much for someone to handle especially so young. You're so strong, though--I don't know if I'd have the strength you do. Kudos for that. Keep us posted. Thinking of you. xo