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Thursday, December 2, 2010

warning: "woe is me" post ahead

Thank you to those of you who commented on my post about Danica with positive stories and affirmations. Your words put my mind at ease. Obviously, we have some time to get her used to children, but I'm feeling more confident that she'll adjust fine when we do bring the little one home.

And thank you for the comments on my sadness post, as well. It was hard for me to admit that here. It's not a constant sadness, nor do I regret our decision, but I feel selfish because of it. I feel jealous because of it. And I have to remind myself that this - all of this - is not about getting pregnant. It's about becoming a mother. When I named this blog, I named it From IF to When: My Journey from Infertility to Motherhood, not My Journey from Infertility to Pregnancy. Pregnancy was never my ultimate goal. But it still hurts, and I know that I still have to mourn that loss. It's just going to take time. I will get over it. Right? I don't know. I just can't find it in me right now to read/get overly enthusiastic about anything regarding pregnancy, because I'm feeling a bit burned by the fact that I've been completely left behind by just about all of my infertile friends. Not that I realistically thought (or wanted) us to all be infertile together, but it still fucking sucks. I feel like the kid on the playground who is never picked for the kickball team.

Okay, ending my rant now. Please forgive me for my icy mood. I'm sure it's only temporary. I'm feeling a bit weary and worn down this week. Finals are taking a lot out of me, of course. Danica has been fighting some stomach issues. And our neighbor (yes, Carl . . . you remember him, don't you?) is continuing to rain on our first home bliss. I know I've mentioned this on Twitter, but he was arrested a few months ago for domestic violence. One would think he'd be cautious about playing his music loudly and drawing attention to himself. Carl doesn't give a damn.

In my attempt to end things on a positive note, this week is my last week of the semester. I have one more final paper due at midnight on Saturday, then I am DONE with my first semester of grad school. I'm looking forward to having a few weeks of normal before spring semester begins. I did make a decision regarding how many classes to take. I've signed up for three, and my plan is to take two in the summer, three in the fall, then two in my final semester. I feel like going 2, 3, 2, 3, 2 is better than going 2, 2, 2, 3, 3.

That's pretty much all I can muster up on 2.5 hours of sleep. I'm a barrel of joy this week, aren't I?


manymanymoons said...

I feel like I could have written this post myself...except the Carl part of course. :) I hate to sound so negative all the time, but sometimes you just feel like crap. Your blog is YOUR place to let it out so don't apologize for feeling the way that you do. I hope your week looks up.

Rach said...

Congrats on the 1st semester of grad school!

I dont even think I've fully grieved that we are infertile. It's so hard for me to express emotion. I'm glad you are able to do that on your blog.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Ugh, there's something about this season that makes things all the more difficult. Thinking of you.

I can completely relate with where you are right now emotionally, and know you haven't been left behind by everyone.I will wait with you here, bitterly in the dust, as we wait our turn.

Littlest True Blue said...

I totally understand the grad school stuff! I have one paper left for this term and I'm racing to get it done! Ugh! I can't believe you are taking 3 courses AND working a full time job! Woah ...super woman!
Hope you catch up on some sleep this weekend!

Marianne said...

I think you made a smart choice with the grad school classes.

Jenny said...

This isn't a woe is me post. It is a normal feeling of infertility. I had my last miscarriage from IVF last Christmas Eve. That WASN’T the best Christmas! I still feel the pain of that miscarriage and the other 4. It took all of this year to pick myself up and try again, which we will do next Feb. Your feelings are normal and I feel them with you! Your poem made me cry...AGAIN, because of the pain. And even though we may achieve motherhood down the road, being ecstatic about it, we will never forget the pain and trials of the journey. I'm here with you. Keep posting whatever you need to that makes you feel better.

Rebecca said...

Wow, the Carl thing is nuts.

Woohoo for the end of the semester!!

someday-soon said...

Please don't feel bad about letting your frustrations, fear, sadness, happiness, or whatever the emotion of the moment may be. We are are here to listen!You are so kind to keep supporting all of us, it's the least we can do to repay the favor.

Congratulations on almost being done with your 1st sememster of school =) Your plan sounds like a good one for the number of classes. When I got my MBA I remember there being some burn out at the end.

Hope Danika feels better soon!

Adele said...

Carl sounds like a schmuck. It's terrible to have crap neighbors (especially of the domestically violent variety). I'm chiming in late here on the Danica front, but I also agree that it's possible to get her used to kids. Our pup was freaked out by little ones at first. He's still not 100% at ease around them, but he's much more comfortable now than he was.

And I'm sorry about the sad. Your attitude is exactly the right one, and you have to allow yourself time to BE sad. And you're exactly right about the motherhood thing. It will happen.

Congrats on finishing your first semester of grad school! I think spreading out your classes as you've done makes a lot of sense.

Secret Sloper said...

I'm still here with you, katie! You are not alone. Our issues may be different but the end result is the same: no baby yet. I too am struggling with feeling left behind. Like I'm on the verrrrrrry slow train to baby town. But we will get there. Whatever it takes, we will get there.

Kakunaa said...

No one excepts you to be rainbows and butterflies all the time. You have been through tons, and have more ahead. It' OKAY. We love you.

Kelly said...

This doesn't sound like a woe is me post at all. You've got to give yourself a little more credit. You're an amazing, strong, intelligent woman and, you're's not if, it's when.

maura said...

I am not sure if that sadness ever goes away, I just hope it lessens, A LOT! Don't apologize for being you and for feeling how you do. I have one friend left that doesn't have children and she is going to do IVF in February and it scares me to death being even more left behind and alone than I am now. The last to be picked on the playground, I have that SAME feeling! Feel how you need to feel for as long as YOU need to. If you ever need to complain, I'm an email away :) xo

waiting for baby said...

Congrats! I'm one final away, and after I've finished the majority of my courseload I slept ever so soundly. ahhhhhhh. I love Christmas holidays! :)

Tillie said...

Yay for finishing your first semester of grad school!! I'm sorry you are in a funk with me. I think the holidays do that...I don't think people realize how hard of a time this is for infertiles. No amount of siblings {for me} can take the empty nest away :( *hugs*