Thursday, December 9, 2010

until next time

My goal this week was to leave behind the bitterness and anger. I'm not going to lie: it's why I haven't posted up until this point. I wrote and erased, wrote and erased. For someone who usually is not afraid to hold back her negative feelings, I censored myself for the first time ever. Writing alone helped me; I didn't need to share those feelings with anyone else for them to become valid.

So here I am. While I think it's safe to say that the peace I felt about the holidays a few weeks ago has worn off, I truly do feel better than I did last year at this time. (Or maybe I'm just getting better at masking my emotions.)

I don't know where I'm going with this.

***

This week I was reminded of how lucky I am to have a wonderful person to share my life with.

I take my husband for granted sometimes. The fact that he's there. The fact that he's wonderful. I know I do. I know we all have moments where we don't truly appreciate our significant other. We're busy and distracted. But this week I've had a chance to step back and truly admire my husband. We've been through so much in almost three years of marriage. But we never miss a beat.

No, I don't have a baby in my arms or my belly. But I do have him. And I am grateful for that.

***

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm still here - writing. I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over again. Going through the same motions. Blogging here can be therapeutic, but it's also a painful reminder of the fact that I am still here. Perpetually waiting, as I like to think of it, while others move forward.

There's a good chance I won't post again this week. I can't bring myself to write down everything I want to say and press publish. Except for this.

I think, right now, I am simply going to sign off, enjoy time with my husband, and reflect on myself.

35 comments:

Erin said...

It's okay to step back every now and then and enjoy what we do have. I will miss your posts but be with your husband and have a Merry Christmas.

suchagoodegg said...

Oh Katie, my heart hurts reading this. I know you are in pain. Blogging can be a double-edged sword sometimes, I totally agree. Take time for yourself and lean on that amazing hubs of yours. Your words have brought me solace and hope time and time and time again and helped me to have a different perspective or a clearer understanding of what I am feeling on so many occasions. And I always enjoy reading whatever you have to say. But this blog is about you and what you need....so take care of you.

manymanymoons said...

Sounds like you're just doing a little self preservation. There is nothing wrong with that. Take all the time you need and you know this gang will be here for you whenever you're ready.

Rach said...

A break is good. Enjoy your week! But please come back!!

Rebecca said...

I keep doing that same thing lately -- written post after post and then never published it or deleted it. Can't quite figure out what I want to say.

I think sometimes blogging comes in cycles. Sometimes we have so much to share and desperately need to. Sometimes we don't. We're here when you need us.

And, I'm so glad you've been able to step back and appreciate your wonderful husband. I've been doing that a lot lately, too. Other things can be tough, but I love him and sometimes I'm just amazed at how lucky I am.

Elizabeth said...

You just said everything I have been thinking lately! It's kind of erie how much of your post could have come from my own lips (or keyboard)! I haven't written a blog in a while simply because I can't imagine anyone wants to read anything I write. I might actually put a link to this blog and say "yes, what she said!" But anyways I'm still here and I'm still reading for better or for worse!

JJ said...

Its realllly difficult somedays to remember that we have to pay attention to the partner-in-crime we have in the journey--we learned the hard way, and have thank goodness come out better for it.
Im sorry for the pain, sweetie. Its especially hard this time of year--I am holding you in my thoughts

Conceptionally Challenged said...

The fact that blogging is a reminder of still being here is so true, thanks for putting it into words. I think it may be a reason why I've blogged so little recently -- we've basically decided that we won't/cannot pursue treatments until the year after next, so what's there to write about?
I'll miss you, but of course you should do whatever feels best for you. Enjoy time with your husband, appreciate the good things in your life right now. We'll be here when you come back.

Leslie said...

We will miss you but completely understand the need to step back. I hope you enjoy your time away and helps you moving forward. I will be thinking of you...

AplusB said...

Definitely understand that sometimes you just need space. And time. Allow yourself this time with your wonderful partner. I always love your writing and appreciate your honesty, but I totally understand why you need to back away for a bit sometimes. Hang in there.

someday-soon said...

Enjoy your time away with your dear husband! It's amazing to have a true life partner =)

Jennifer Skoog Photography said...

What a beautiful post --- we are almost 3 years married, too ... kinda in the same boat with ya! Hugs to you and may your holiday season be wonderful. Thank you for this reminder and for your honesty.
I have yet to blog about my {infertile} feelings, but it is so therapeutic to know we are not the only ones dealing with it. May peace that be with all :)

Stephanie said...

Oh Katie my heart breaks for you. I wish I could make this all better for all of us. I've been asking so many WHYs lately myself and honestly, if I weren't retelling our story from the past 3 months on my blog I probably wouldn't be writing. What is there to say for me when cycle after cycle is a bust?! I hope you guys have a fabulous Christmas. While we were on a recent break in cycles, I too was reminded of how great things can be when not completely immersed in TTC and IF. Enjoy the holidays and I'll be waiting to read what comes next in the new year as the adoption journey begins!

LisaB said...

Thinking of you *hugs*

MelissaP05 said...

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'll miss reading your posts, but understand why you need some time away. ((HUGS))

Kakunaa said...

I hope you come back at some point. I will be thinking of you. But go enjoy this time with your husband, work on that :) HUGS.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

"Sometimes, I wonder why I'm still here - writing. I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over again. Going through the same motions. Blogging here can be therapeutic, but it's also a painful reminder of the fact that I am still here. Perpetually waiting, as I like to think of it, while others move forward.

There's a good chance I won't post again this week. I can't bring myself to write down everything I want to say and press publish. Except for this"--Katie I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am in a similar spot. Hugs
Jess

Kelly said...

You do whatever you need to do for whatever reason that you need to do it. Know though how much we all love and care about you.

ifcrossroads.com said...

I'm always here for you Katie. Always.
xo
Mic

JC said...

Sounds like a good plan. I hope you and Joey enjoy each other and do some fun things for Christmas and New Years. I have very similar feelings and can't seem to post either. There are so few of us left who haven't gotten pregnant and it sucks that so many people have and left us behind. Just a reminder that I'm still stuck here. If you ever want to talk email me...I'll be thinking about you!! =)

Secret Sloper said...

Sometimes I wonder what more I have left to say. In a treatment cycle there are measurements to report and updates to offer and lining to track and side-effects to recount. Blogging can feel more like filing field reports from the IF trenches.

And then in cycles like this one (like the ones you've been in for a very long time now), there's not much to say. Everything is inward and we go through times when that is good and we want to share and when that is bad and we want to share and time when it doesn't matter what it is because we just don't want to talk about it.

It sounds like you're at that last stage right now, which is okay. Take whatever time you need. Write whenever and whatever you want to write. We're still here. I haven't gone anywhere.

Kaitake said...

I too have a few posts like that, and I too have had to stop and remember what a wonderful man I have in my husband :) may you have peace and happiness for you Christmas season. Best wishes from New Zeland :)

Another Dreamer said...

Do what you feel you need to, and feel free to stop in from time to time (you know we'll miss you!) But something, taking a step back is really wonderful.

waiting for baby said...

I feel the same way. I write the same crap over and over again. It is theraputic for me though. I wish I was on an island with my hubby and it was just the two of us. The only other person who gets me. Sadly we live in the real world. Where there are millions of little reminders of what we don't have. Hope you feel better about Christmas.

Kim said...

Oh Katie, my sweet friend. There have been many days where I have felt the same, pointless to write because I had nothing nice to say....and I think there will be many more. And I get how still being here in this space under the same pretenses only maagnifies the situation. You do what you need to protect your tender heart and we are here for whenever you decide to write, no matter what you write. xoxoxoxox

jennifer @ What Would Jen Do said...

i've had to step back multiple times, i felt like i lost sight of all the good things in my life and could only concentrate on the bad.

Adele said...

Enjoy that time. You deserve it. But I don't think you should worry about saying the same thing. The tough thing about this place we're in is that, as you've said, we're still here. And that's hard, no matter which way you cut it.

I'm glad your feeling better about the holidays this year. I am, too. That could change. But for now I'll (try and) go with it.

amiracle4us said...

Your words written like perpetually waiting while others move on, blogging is a good outlet but also a painful reminder...they are all thoughts I think routinely as well.
I know words cannot take away your pain but know if you need to complain, scream or whatever, I am an email away :) Take care of YOU!!!
xoxo

lowfatlady said...

I hope the time away enjoying your hubby will give you some peace and some happiness. Come back when your ready.

foxy said...

I did the same thing this week, writing for myself, but not feeling like it needed to be shared with anyone else, and thus no posts. No matter what anyone says, this is a difficult time of year for a lot of people. it is a time of reflection that gives us pause. Ironically we are also expected to engage in significant ways with family and close friends. It is a lot.

I am so grateful that you are here writing, and will remain grateful for as long as you want to be here. You are a spectacular writer, and I am always amazed at how beautifully you articulate thoughts that are otherwise trapped in my head. It was awesome to read the comments of others on this post who feel the same way.

I hope that you will keep doing whatever feels best to take care of yourself! with love and appreciation - Foxy

Trisha said...

I know how you feel! I hope you enjoy some time with your husband! I also think it's pretty neat that we grew up in the same town! Small world...

serenity said...

I remember feeling the same way. Actually, if I'm being honest, I feel that way now. Like a broken record. Straddling the emotions of being thankful for the blessings I have in my life right now, but mourning what I don't have in my life, either.

Both emotions ache and are always with me.

Anyway. Long way of saying I understand. This is your space, and we're here for you for whatever you need. Whenever you need it.

xoxo

Jen said...

Katie, I think this is just part of the process. Telling our stories helps us understand ourselves, process, accept, and move on. These are not easy things to reconcile, so if it takes a while, I think that's perfectly normal. AND, I think it's nice to take a break - enjoy it. (Sometimes I get sick of hearing myself say and feel the same things over and over, too.) I hope you come back feeling refreshed, and I want to keep following your story until WHEN is finally here!! *hugs*

Randi said...

There's nothing to say to undo the realities you're facing. There's so much grief in this process, sometimes its hard to fathom. All I can say is that you will walk through this. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for - I really admire you. It's ok that you're not there yet, but when you're adoption comes through, these wounds will heal. Take care of yourself - praying for you <3

Infertility Monster said...

I just found your blog, and I am thoroughly enjoying it! I especially love your chicken soup for the infertile soul cards...I borrowed a couple of my favorites if you do not mind!

http://ddcarpenter714.blogspot.com/