Tuesday, November 2, 2010

what next?

The rupture cyst is gone. In its place are two new cysts - same ovary, pressed against one another. I am waiting to hear back from my doctor.

My mind is sort of this tangled web of confusion and frustration. I cannot understand why this keeps happening - why my body won't work properly, and why nothing seems to fix it. The only time my left ovary does not produce insanely large cysts is when I am not medicated; an opposite reaction to when many infertile do experience ovarian cysts. Is it possible that PCOS can present itself in just one ovary, and that the other ovary simply does not display the classic signs? I know that I physically cannot have PCOS in one ovary. But could only one display the symptoms? Is it possible that my follicles are, when unmedicated, not producing eggs? Could I have empty follicle syndrome? In just one ovary?

This is my issue: it's only the one side. The right appears to be fine. No endo, no history of cysts, clear ovulation on the right side during at least one IUI cycle. What is it about the left ovary that makes it not want to function for me? What exactly did I do to piss it off?

My acupuncturist, the amazing woman that she is, called to check on me today. Though acu does not seem to be helping with the cyst growth, it is keeping me calm. So is Circle + Bloom. I started listening last month to their natural cycle program, and I can't tell you how relaxed it makes me feel. Even though I'm not technically cycling (with the cyst, and all), it keeps me level. It keeps me sane. At the end of the day, I need these things to keep me going. They are my only sanity at this point. And my husband. My wonderful husband. He is my rock. He takes care of everything, including me. He and the pup have done an amazing job these past couple of weeks.

I'm sorry I'm so down and all over the place. I just don't have it in me to be Positive Patty at the moment. I'm tired. I'm tired of the shit. I'm tired of being in the suck. I'm just . . . sick and tired of being sick and tired. And trying desperately to hang on to the positives.

36 comments:

Hayley said...

I don't know what I can tell you besides that I'm sending hugs to you. You know you can email/text/call/visit whenever you need to just vent. I love you (& Joey, too!)

Waiting Lisa said...

Absolutely no need to be positive patty.

Thinking of you, everday.

Marla said...

WTF is up with your left ovary?!? You're right, what the hell did you ever do to it? Jeez!

I hope you get some answers soon. *hugs*

kittycorraler said...

i'm having issues with my ovary and cysts too. but only my right! Silly troublesome ovary. I keep telling myself that at least of of them seems to be in working order (as far as know, right now), right?

Cheryl said...

If you were radiating tons of positivity with all the pain that you've been in, I'd have to question what you're snorting and possibly even request some ;) Seriously though, your left ovary really has me perplexed. So odd. I just hope it goes away soon so you are comfortable. Circle + Bloom huh? I will have to look into this. I've heard of it, I just haven't researched it. Sounds as though I should! I'm curious about Acupuncture. I've never done it but everyone who does seems to like it.

AL said...

no need to be a positive patty when you're not feeling it. This sucks, and it is perfectly okay - no, expected - for you to vent about it and be pissed off about it on your blog.

It's so weird that it's just the one side...I hope you get some answers very soon.

Josey said...

That sucks honey. :( I'm glad that acu and C+B are helping you though - I know they've both done wonders for me. I hope your body gets shit figured out soon!

Brandi @ Our Journey said...

for some reason I have a crazy left ovary too!! When I found out I had PCOS it was because my left ovary was enlarged. With my first round of clomid I always had small pains from my left ovary. I just finished my second round and now have a small cyst of the left side. I have never had any problems or pain from the right side.

I hope it decided to get its act together soon :)

Candidly_Andrea said...

Oh Katie - big ((Hugs)) to you. Tell your left ovary to shape up! I too love the C+B natural cycle tracks - they put me to sleep every night! Hugs and Love my dear.

Candidly_Andrea said...

Oh Katie - big ((Hugs)) to you. Tell your left ovary to shape up! I too love the C+B natural cycle tracks - they put me to sleep every night! Hugs and Love my dear.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I don't have any cysts at all and I have PCOS, they are just learning so much about it, it's just not well understood. But meanwhile, this just SUCKS Katie. I am so sorry. This just freaking sucks.

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

Man, talking about getting kicked while you're down! A huge WTF is what this whole shitastic situation deserves. I'm so sorry, Katie. You're so unbelievably strong--hang in there.

PS-It's totally ok to now be positive Patty! Sometimes we just need to be pissed and sad! xo

Secret Sloper said...

Fuck feeling positive. This shit sucks. I'm pissed for you. No Positive Patty here.

I hope the doctors can start to figure out what's up with that ovary and why it is behaving this way. I've got no insight, just hugs.

lowfatlady said...

So sorry you have more cysts. That totally sucks. I hope you hear good things back from your doctor.

Kim said...

My left ovary tends to act up too and not sure why - never feel pain or have issues on the right.

I am sorry Katie, I would be so frustrated and pissed off too - pissed off at my ovary, pissed off at my body and pissed off at the world.

I am glad you have Circle + Bloom and enjoy it. I have it as well and find it very calming. Keep on being good to yourself. xoxoxox

Stephanie said...

You shouldn't have to be positive, this journey is a roller coaster and sometimes it takes up down a big hill way too fast! I'm so sorry about the new cysts...if it makes you feel better, a little bit, while I don't have cysts, my right ovary seems to just hang out and do nothing whether on meds or not. Each IUI u/s shows big mature follies on my left, while my right is just hanging out empty. Redic. Glad you have Dani and Joey to keep you company and happy - nothing better than a hubs and a puppy kiss while we wait for our babies!

Melissa G said...

Katie, you totally have the right to feel frustrated and down (tho, of course I wish you weren't/didn't have a reason to be).

This blows. No two ways about it, and I'm sorry. Here for you, rain or shine.

Rita said...

Do not feel like you have to be positive anything. These cysts suck ass and you have every right to be angry/annoyed/frustrated/whatever.

I hope the doctor is able to figure out WTF is going on with that wonky left ovary. Huge HUGS to you.

Kelly said...

I wish I had insight for you, but I don't. I agree with you. It doesn't make sense and it's not fair.

FWIW, you're an incredible source of support for all of us. It's ok if we can all take our turn and be there for you and it's ok that you aren't feeling all that positive.

Danielle said...

I am not super versed on the issue, but this research article makes it seem that Unilateral PCOS has been (infrequently) described. Do you have other symptoms of PCOS or have you ever been diagnosed with it?? It tends to cause lots of other symptoms as well, from what I understand (hair growth, weight gain, acne, etc.). Anyway, just thought it was interesting that this article used woman who had Unilateral PCOS and thought you might be interested. Hang in there. I'll be keeping up with your story if you don't mind. :)

Danielle said...

I guess I should share the article link with you, dur....http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/102520588/articletext?DOI=10.1046%2Fj.1469-0705.1999.14030183.x

Jen said...

I have nothing positive to offer, but I'm sorry this keeps happening. Vent away on your blog!n (Hugs)

Kakunaa said...

:( Do the docs have ANY idea how to manage it and keep the other ovary functional? I am so sorry. HUGS.

JC said...

((hugs)) Katie! I'm glad your acu Dr called to check on you, what a sweet Dr. I hope they get to the bottom of this.

Trisha said...

I'm so sorry and it's ok not to be positive patty :) Praying for you and sending many hugs your way!

Jessica said...

How frustrating...I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

((HUGS))

S.I.F. said...

You know, all of last year, my right ovary was the problem child. Both surgeries, it was the right that was so overtaken by endometriomas. So imagine my shock when 2 months ago it was discovered that all my new growths were on the left side. Nothing on the right, all on the left.

Bodies are freaking weird.

serenity said...

hugs sweetie.

xxx

Rebecca said...

Man! That sucks. I'm so sorry. :(

Dumb ass ovary. Stop that.

Adele said...

I think you've really had more than your fair share of this cyst crap:( I'm sorry. Are the saying what kind of cysts they are? Functional? Hemorrhagic?

I know PCOS can sometimes present itself in atypical ways. It's strange that it's just the one side and I'm really hoping your doc will have some kind of insight for you.

Adele said...

PS: One additional thought: do you drink coffee? I have no idea how caffeine affects cysts but I know someone who had a problem with them and was counseled to cut it out.

someday-soon said...

I wish there was a windown into our lady bits that would let us know what in the world is going on in there! Sorry you have more cysts to deal with {{{HUGS}}}

MelissaP05 said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could trade my body in for a new one. I feel like I'm falling apart at 27, well now almost 28. Sending you lots of hugs!

Conceptionally Challenged said...

Oh Katie, that sucks. My ovaries don't seem to be the problem (at least my endo isn't there), so I don't have much advice...
Thinking of you, and hoping that your docs have answers soon.

Basic Girl said...

Sometimes these things are just beyond frustrating, and there is just no way or need to put a positive spin on it...it sucks and we're here for you good or bad. So vent away sweetie, and really hoping you get some answers soon. Thinking of you!

Dawn said...

I'm sorry leftie is giving you so much trouble. Screw feeling positive you deserve a bit of a pity party. Sending you lots of hugs!