Friday, November 5, 2010

the one where i'm still in a funk

Since Tuesday's appointment, I've had a lot of time to think. Or, should I say, I've had several sleepless nights to think. When my clinic called back on Tuesday afternoon, they said exactly what I thought they would say - there is nothing more they can do except constant monitoring. No, they don't know why this keeps happening on one side. No, I don't have PCOS. Yes, my AMH is normal (1.7).

I don't know much. What I do know is that I'm exhausted. Beyond exhausted. I've cried numerous times this week, and I still feel like I'm on the verge of tears today. Here I am supposed to be taking a break from doctors and appointments and fertility shit, and I have to go back MONTHLY to check and make sure my ovaries aren't exploding. It finally hit me that I am not going to be able to avoid doctors. As much as I want to, that is not destined to be my way of life. Ironically, the months that I'm medicated are the months I don't get cysts.

And I don't want to be medicated anymore.

21 comments:

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I wish you could take a break from all of it and I wish I could somehow make it all better, I can't imagine the frustration yall are dealing with. Hugs and Prayers

Jen said...

Yuck. This sucks. "Break" should mean "break!" I for one like to pretend that the REs office ceases to exist when I'm between cycles, so I definitely understand how difficult that can be. When do we catch a break, eh?

Maureen said...

I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. You really deserve a break. I never knew that being a woman would be such hard work:(

lowfatlady said...

Ugh. So sorry your having to go through this. It isn't fair any of us do. I hope that you do get a break from the re and some rest and relaxation soon.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Hugs Katie. Thinking of you. Life just isn't fair sometimes, and that fact never gets any easier for me.

someday-soon said...

I'm sorry for all you are going through right now {{{HUGS}}} Hope you hit a lucky patch really soon!

Nixy said...

how awful. I'm so sorry! life is so unfair.

Kelly said...

I understand what you're saying and it's not fair...taking a break should mean ot having to deal with someone examining your lady parts.

(((HUGS))) to you.

Kakunaa said...

:( HUGS. This sucks, literally. I ahte for you that you have to have a constant reminder :( Hang in there!

Crossed Fingers said...

My heart is breaking for you right now. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug. I don't know what to say to make "it better" - I don't think it's even possible. Just know I'm thinking & praying for you - hopefully that offers some comfort.

ifcrossroads.com said...

Cysts suck. They really do. I'm sporting several right now and, like you, I have no idea what to do to control them. Yes, BCP's and Lupron help keep them from rupturing, but those are 2 things any infertile wants to avoid.
I'm so sorry Katie.

Rebecca said...

Man, it sucks so much. I'm so sorry.

Marla said...

Ditto what everyone else is saying. It sucks. It's not fair. Break means break. What part of the word 'break' did the universe not understand? Gawd! *hugs*

serenity said...

Hugs, sweetie. Wish I had something to offer beyond it.

xoxo

Dawn said...

I'm so sorry. It totally sucks! I'm praying you catch a break soon. How much can one person take?

((((Hugs))))

Adele said...

I'm really sorry, Katie. It's not fair. You deserved a true break, a break where you didn't have to think about anything medical below the bellybutton:( I really wish your doctors had been able to give you a more straightforward answer than that.

Jessica said...

It's not fair that you are having to deal with this. You are in my thoughts!!

Waiting Lisa said...

I'm sorry Katie. <3

I really love the changes on your blog. The pictures on the top look great!

Stefanie Blakely said...

I'm so sorry, honey... I've been thinking about you and hoping things get better. Lots of love-- XOXO.

Arlyne said...

All I have for you is lots of love & hugs!!!! xoxoxoxoxo

Lin said...

This is a beautiful, heart-breaking post. I'm so sorry that you're going throug this.

This eally resonated with me...
"why we keep the doors to our spare bedrooms shut - because we can't bear the thought that one of those rooms should be a nursery by now." I can remember going into the room that is no LMH's nursery one time and just bawling. It was so empty, just like I felt.

(((HUGS))) and hope...and wishes that you get your break soon!