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Monday, November 22, 2010

the light bulb

(I wrote this post on October 4.)

"Do I know you?"

I cringed and stared at my old fertility doctor. The first one. The one whose partner refused to do a laparoscopy because he didn't believe the endometriosis was causing me to be infertile. The one who would show up late to my appointments because he was getting coffee at Starbucks. The one who would look at my ultrasounds, shrug his shoulders, and say, "I guess trigger tonight?"

In my mind, I knew what I should say. "Do you know me? My vagina was in your face for about three months straight. Perhaps you'd like me to lay down and spread my legs? Maybe then you would recognize me.

Instead, I forced a smile and replied, "Yes, I'm a former patient. Unsuccessful patient."

He apologized and asked if we were pursuing IVF. When I told him no, we couldn't afford it at the moment, he took the opportunity to give me a sales pitch on his new clinic. To tell me about how he could offer me one cycle for $6,000. To tell me how he would work with my schedule - see me at 6:30 for monitoring appointments, if that's what I needed. To hand me a stack of his cards and yell as he walked away, "Tell your friends."

Later that day, I walked into a large conference room - lunch in hand - and sat down at a table. A table occupied by two ladies representing area adoption agencies and a couple pursuing domestic adoption. We chatted for a moment until the guest speaker took the podium. I sat there and listened as she spoke about her journey with infertility. Her words rang in my ear the rest of the afternoon: I started to think, do I want to be pregnant or do I want a baby? I want a baby, she said.

Do I want to be pregnant or do I want a baby?

If the universe sends signs, this entire day was as clear a sign as ever. The fertility doctor pushing and shoving cheap IVF onto my lap. The adoption agency reps hugging me and nodding sympathetically when I gave them the abbreviated version of our journey. Let's face it: this was the light bulb. Weeks earlier, lying in bed, I silently begged for an clear answer as to what was supposed to happen next. I needed something, anything, to let me know that it was okay not to do IVF.

And this was it.

32 comments:

Rebecca said...

An excellent sign! I still hate your old RE.

The Steffens said...

I think that is as good a sign as any and truly feel you've made the right decision for you. I'm so incredibly excited for you.

p.s. I hate your old RE, I wish I could punch him.

Alex said...

These were great signs! All this has to make you feel even better with your decision!!!

myinfertilitywoes said...

AWESOME post. Your words - do I want to be pregnant or do I want a baby - really resonated with me. My hard part is getting my husband on the same page. He keeps pushing biology when I want to be done with biology!!

Glad you had supportive new encounters!

Jen said...

Tell your friends??!!! Eh....It's not a new night club opening!

I think those are excellent signs :)

manymanymoons said...

Those kind of signs give me chills. Sounds like you're really at peace with your decision.

Secret Sloper said...

In a way, it's a good thing that RE was so appalling, because it helped put you on your right path. Those are some heavy-duty signals you were getting that day! I'm so, so, so glad that you have found the path to parenthood that feels right to you.

Lindsay said...

I think your signs are beautiful. it gave me chill bumps reading your post.

Kakunaa said...

Seriously, I am glad you got away from him. You sound so much more at peace now.

Candidly_Andrea said...

Beautiful post Katie. It reads like a novel :) I think they are wonderful signs.

Jennifer said...

Thank you for posting this. As someone thinking these same things I appreciate it.

kkasun said...

What great signs! Yuck, your RE sounds like a jerk. Congrats on the peace it sounds like you have with your adoption decision.

Randi said...

Great post - gave me chills. Your RE sounds like an compassionless jackass. I think life leads us in directions - you may never know why you had to go in this direction first, but you can and will end up with a baby. YOUR baby. Best wishes.

Scout said...

I've always believed that our children find their way to us and I think this is your future child's way of finding their way to you.

Michelle said...

Love this!!! I had a similar kind of 'moment' once I embraced adoption too. This is just awesome. Doesn't it feel so great to LIVE again??? That's what it feels like for me. YES, your baby is coming!!! Woo hoo!!

Stephanie said...

I've never thought about it that way before - do I want to be pregnant or do I want a baby. Very eye-opening question!

Leslie said...

Yeah for such great signs! I am so happy for you!!!

someday-soon said...

Excellent sign! Your old RE is an ass...

Stephanie said...

What a jerk of a doctor! And how awesome to feel so welcomed and at ease with the adoption counselors! I'm so excited for your journey to your baby!

Crossed Fingers said...

I agree - that was a clear sign of the path you two needed to walk down. I am so excited to see and read your journey into this new area.

unaffected said...

Wonderful post. Thank you.

Kelly said...

I like that question...do I want to get pregnant or do I want a baby? I hate your old RE. What a horrible doctor.

Negative Nelly said...

Your old RE sounds like a douche! Holy cow. So happy the lightbulb has clicked for you! Such a positive outcome to this IF stuff!

lowfatlady said...

I am so glad that you got your sign and made the right decision for you ;) Good luck!

Kim said...

Well it doesnt get any clearer than that, does it?! So glad you were shown the signs you asked for, it sure is reasurring when major decisions such as yours is being made. xoxoxoxxo

jennifer @ What Would Jen Do said...

i'm so glad you got your sign

Michaela said...

I called my last RE Dr. Doom! He wouldn't even consider me for IVF and kept pushing donor eggs! Gotta love the agenda!

Sara said...

Sometimes we just have to live out answer...it sounds as though that happened for you. Beautiful post.

Kandid Kelli said...

Katie. This is beautiful. God works in wonderful ways. I am so excited for you & Joey!

This is going to be such an incredible and uplifting journey for you two!

xo
-K

S.I.F. said...

I hate the sales pitches involved. It still kills me that my RE's only words of advice for me were "if you keep trying - you'll get pregnant". How much money, heart, and effort am I supposed to put into trying based solely on that?!?

Ugggg! Sometimes it is so hard to trust a profession that feels so shady.

Rita said...

Beautiful post. What a wonderful way for the universe to answer your question.

Your old RE is a total d!ck, by the way.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

Loud and clear.
Your old RE was incredible though.