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Thank you for all of your support over the years! xo

Friday, November 12, 2010

the decision

Today marks my second blogoversary.

When I started this blog, we'd been trying to have a baby for six months, and I was desperate for any and all means of expressing my frustrations. This is where I landed, and this is where I've lived ever since. This blog has seen me through the official diagnosis, four IUIs, a surgery, a lump in my breast, my husband's unemployment, our first house, our first dog, death, and life. But not a life of ours. Not a life that belongs to us or a life we can call "son" or "daughter." Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that - two years later - I would still be here. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. Dreaming.

The events of the last few weeks brought to the surface a lot of questions about where we've been over these past two-and-a-half years of trying to conceive and where we would like to go. Despite my desire to spend the remainder of this year not thinking about fertility treatments, the topic became unavoidable with the ruptured cyst, the two new cysts, and the stunning diagnosis of "we just don't know." To them, it's a mystery. To me, it's yet another bullet point on the list of reproductive issues I've encountered . . . so far.

It's led us to revisit the topic of IVF. When we did, I cried. What happened to me? At one point, I felt fearless and ready to attack IVF head on. And now? Nothing. There is nothing inside of my body that tells me "this is a great idea." I wish I could tell you why. But the only thing I can say with certainty is that it just doesn't feel right. I may not feel that way in 5 or 10 years - or even 5 or 10 months - but this is the way that I feel right now. And I have to be honest with myself and my husband.

The reality is that the last six months never felt like a break from treatment. It has always felt like a break up. I am the bitter and jaded girlfriend who can no longer fight for survival. The thought of continuing this relationship makes me incredibly emotional and angry. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be continuously disappointed in what could have been. I don't want to make things work. I want to part ways. I want to drive off and say "it just wasn't meant to be," rather than constantly look over my shoulder and struggle over whether to go back. And something else has caught my eye. My heart has been wandering - particularly over the last two months. I cannot stay in this "relationship" when I've already focused my heart on something else.

So, here I am. This decision has been months in the making. We are excited. Our families are excited. We need to follow our hearts, and our hearts say that we don't need a baby made from my eggs and Joey's sperm. Carrying a child for nine months doesn't determine whether I am a mother. Yes, that's how most women dream of growing their family. But the only thing I want is a person to care for and nurture. I want to be a mom. Joey wants to be a dad. And we've decided to do this through adoption.

98 comments:

Hayley said...

I'm so freaking excited for you!!!!

Kandid Kelli said...

I am so excited for you!! Thats amazing Katie!! Congrats to you and Joey! I hope everything goes perfectly! You are more than deserving people, you have so much love to give to a child. This made my day!!

I love you guys.

xo
-K

Deanna said...

Congratulations on your difficult decision. I know of several friends who have gotten grants and matching grants for adoptions, so let me know if you want me to try to send you some info.

Michelle said...

Many congratulations on your decision. This is wonderful and exicitng news!! *hugs*

Jessica said...

Katie, that is amazing news!! I am so happy for you and Joey. I can't wait to follow this new journey towards motherhood!!

missohkay said...

That's fantastic! You are always so eloquent. Looking forward to your insight on the next part of your journey.

Crossed Fingers said...

YEA!!!! I'm so so excited for you and so thrilled to follow you on this journey! I cannot wait to hear more!

serenity said...

Oh, Katie. Tears of excitement and hope for you.

You and Joey will be amazing parents.

xoxo

Rita said...

I'm so excited for you and Joey!! A very lucky little baby will call you mom someday soon. *hugs*

Tillie said...

oh Katie - I have tears in my eyes reading this! I am so excited you guys decided to start the journey of adopting! You two will be amazing parents and that child will be truly loved. Love you guys!!!

Waiting Lisa said...

We've talked about this so this isn't exactly a huge surprise to me, but still....I got all teary with excitement for you as I read this. Love you.

Adam and I are always here if either of you want to talk. <3

Congratulations, Katie! :)

The Domestic Princess said...

That is amazing!

I hope your journey to adoption is short and we hear about your son or daughter very soon.

((big hugs))

lis said...

Wishing you and your husband nothing but joy, love and happiness always. I believe that we know our paths, sometimes even before we are ready to acknowledge them. Ill be right here with you, I'm just so excited! All my best, Lis xoxo

waiting and wishing said...

Gosh, I love reading what you write- always so well written! I'm excited for you and this new adventure! Wishing you you safe and uneventful travels on this next adventure... you deserve it!

The Steffens said...

Congrats on the decision, Katie!! I am so very excited for you and Joey. Here's hoping for a very short process!

Shannon Mac said...

yay!! So happy you've made a decision that makes you and Joey happy. Not that there won't be more hurdles to come, but you know you will have faith in your decision. love to you both. Oh, and thanks a heck of a lot for making me cry at work. As if even being here today wasn't bad enough ... :)

Logical Libby said...

You will never regret it. Never ever.

Rach said...

Congrats!! What an big step. I'm sure it will be a very rewarding experience!! I'll be following.

elizabeth said...

came here via lfca; your blog reveals a beautiful soul. you will be a wonderful mother.

myinfertilitywoes said...

Wow - I'm so glad I found your blog. You could have written that post for me - except the ending - I'm still working on my husband about the ending. I just don't think I have it in me to move from 3 IUIs to IVF and feel so pulled toward adoption. I don't want to keep going down this same old road..

So glad you made the decision and feel good about it! Look forward to hearing more about your journey!

JJ said...

Congrats on the decision--wishing you a very soulful journey and lots and lots of happiness!!

Ashley said...

Congrats Katie! I hope that you have that child in your arms VERY soon!

Jen said...

That's awesome, Katie! I'm so happy for you guys. Congrats on your decision.

Candidly_Andrea said...

Congrats Katie - I'm so excited for you. I can 'hear' in your voice that this sounds like a great decision you've made. Wishing you all the best as you start this part of your journey to becoming a mom.

Leelers♥ said...

This makes me so incredibly happy for you guys! This is awesome news!!!!

Kim said...

Wonderful News Katie! How exciting, it's been a long journey for you, and arriving at this decision, brings you yet another step closer to your dreams. I couldn't be happier for the two of you. xoxoxox

Sarah said...

I am so happy for you all. Truly truly happy that you have come to this wonderful decision. We all get to our family in our own way, and it is a journey. My sister recently completed a domestic adoption and their daughter is the light of their life. She was completely in love with her agency, and I would love to share information with you about them if you would like. The cost was set, and the wait was extremely short. You can email me at biogirl79 at gmail dot com if you want, but no pressure. You all will find your way to your baby very soon.

My So-Called(TTC) Life said...

Oh, Katie, this is so amazing! Wow! I'm so proud of your decision. It often makes me rethink our decison to do IVF. Congrats and kudos. So, so happy for you! Xo

Sarah Q said...

I am excited for you and this decision!! I am so happy that you aren't putting yourself through awful treatments that you're not comfortable with. Way to go!

I can't wait to hear more about your journey to becoming a mommy!!

Josey said...

I'm so excited for you!! How wonderful that you're taking another step forward in your journey to become a Mommy!

foxy said...

Katie,
So many things have to come together to make such a big decision like this. I am so proud of you for following your heart. The journey ahead of you is long still, yet it sounds like you are ready for it.

When we finally made the decision to proceed with donor sperm it was a combination of grieving a loss while celebrating a new future. For so long it was a concept that I just couldn't wrap my head around, I think I needed that time to grieve. But when it was right, it felt so right, and I haven't questioned it once since we started down this new path.

I found this quote that speaks so well to this kind of situation. "If you're brave to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."

We are brave indeed. And I now have faith that life will reward us both with a new hello.

Congratulations my dear friend. I can't wait to travel this journey with you thru your beautiful words.

A said...

congrats on making a decision!

someday-soon said...

Congratulations! I know you didn't come upon this decision easily or lightly. Look forward to hearing more about your adoption journey =)

myTTCstory said...

What a lovely end to your post, I was nearly in tears! That's such brilliant news, I'll look forward to hearing all about it.

jill's infertility document said...

Beautiful post about a very difficult decision that brought tears to my eyes. Best Wishes to you as you embark. I look forward to following your journey.

Randi said...

Congratulations on this decision! I pray everything goes great and you have your child in your arms before you know it. :)

Laurie said...

Congratulations! It's important to listen to your heart. I wish you the best on this new journey!

Rebecca said...

An awesome decision to come to and I'm so excited for you as you move forward on this new path!

Princess Andy said...

best wishes for you, katie:)

i look forward to you sharing your journey...

"however motherhood comes to you, it's a miracle" ~valerie harper~

<3 and kindness,

andrea

Erin said...

I am so thrilled for you. I'm sure this must have been a tough decision, but it sounds like a great choice. I cannot wait to see what beautiful little person finds his or her way to you. So excited!

conceptionallychallenged said...

Congratulations on making this decision, and good luck for this new journey!

Calmly Chaotic said...

That's such exciting news! I'm sure it was a stressful decision but it must feel so good to have made it!

Jennifer said...

I completely understand how you are feeling about IVF. I sometimes wish I had just jumped past all of the other stuff and went right to that, so that I would have the momentum. Lately I've been daydreaming about just saying NO to IVF and really sitting my DH down to discuss adoption.

Thank you for this post, it's given me a lot to think about and I am glad that you were able to get over the hump to this decision. I can't wait to hear all about it.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Hooray Katie, I hope this decision brings you the peace you deserve- and makes you the mom you were born to be. Many hugs to you.

Jin said...

So excited!

the2weekwait said...

Katie -- this is a beautiful and powerful blog entry. It brought tears to my eyes. Honey, if this is what you feel in your heart, than you're doing the right thing and as odd as this may sound, I'm proud of you. I'm wishing you both the very best... and I planned to stay tuned to see this next chapter unfold. -- Jay

AL said...

Katie, I am so excited for you and Joey and to read how much peace you have with this decision.

Great things are coming, my friend!! :-D

Kerrik said...

Congrats on your decision. What a strong blog entry. I feel inspired.
There are three or four (see I'm not even sure) adopted children in my family, and I never knew about any of the adoptions except one of them, at least until fairly recently. My family happily absorbed these children, soaked them up, and loved them as they would any other children "born" into our clan. I'm sure it will be the same for you and your family. Best wishes to you and your husband Katie.

Trisha said...

YAY! I am so, so excited for you! I know this has been a hard decision--we went through the same thing with trying to decide what to do 2 years ago. So, welcome to the adoption world! Let me know if there's anything I can help with! I'm praying!

Basic Girl said...

OMG, I can imagine how difficult that decision was but how frickin exciting! You and Joey will make amazing parents, and what a lucky baby to have you both!!

manymanymoons said...

I am so so happy for you. We have also recently decided to pursue adoption. It is such a scary decision to make, but such a relief at the same time. I know that we have so many struggles that lie ahead, but it feels good to shift course and change my frame of mind from (oh my gosh, when I started to finish that sentence I was going to completly coincidentally type From If to When...that game me goose bumps). That has to be a good sign for you right??

Michelle said...

Katie, it has taken me a while to come to my decision to finally let go of biology. And like you, other treatments just didn't feel right. I'm done with the losses and the constant testing. And it feels sooooo freeing to let go and move towards something that WILL bring us a baby. Congrats on coming to this decision. I am just starting down the same path myself and I look forward to hearing how things unfold for you. It's overwhelming but it's here. Your time is here.

AplusB said...

WONDERFUL news Katie! I am so excited for you guys. Can't wait to follow your adoption journey. You guys are going to make the best parents.

Melissa said...

I got tears in my eyes reading this. (found your blog recently) Congrats on deciding to adopt...that is so awsome. One thing infertility does do is make you realize what you said...you just want to be a Mom. Giving birth does not necessarily make you a Mom. Being there for a child, loving that child and raising that child makes you a Mom. I just want to say how great I think Adoption is. There is some little child out there who doesn't have someone to love him/her,needs a Mommy and Daddy and you guys will be there with so much love. I have a friend who did IVF and miscarried. They adopted a little boy from Russia and he is adorable. They are actually leaving Saturday for Russia again because they are adopting a little girl. Again..adorable. You will have an amazing story to tell your child. Yea!!

Alex said...

Oh wow - I'm so happy for you! What a great decision, and I look forward to following you as you embark on this new path.

Kaitake said...

Ooh that's such an exciting decison! Congratulations! I have 3 step kids and although they're not adopted, I love them heaps. Also my DH was adopted when he was a baby, and his parents are wonderful loving people who definitely consider him to be their son and nothing else! Here's wishing you and you husband all the best, it sounds like the start of something amazing for you both. :)

Leslie said...

Congratulations on your decision. I admire you very much for following your heart. I wish you the best moving foward.

Secret Sloper said...

This post made me cry with happiness. Katie, I am so amazed for you and Joey. This is an incredibly hopeful moment.

~C~ said...

Congratulations! What an exciting decision!

Stephanie said...

Oh Katie!! I am so excited for you!!! What wonderful news to read!!! So so happy and thrilled for yall!! I hope you'll post about your journey here still! Yay!!!

cOLey24 said...

I am SO excited that you and Joey have come to this decision. You are totally right: you don't need to carry the child or conceive it yourselves to be a family. There are a million babies out there that would be lucky to be loved by two parents that are so devoted to raising a happy, healthy family. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this next chapter in your lives.

Marica said...

oh, this is fantastic!!

I've been reading your blog while fighting with my infertility.. and now that I read this post I can say that it's exactly how I feel!!

the past weeks have been really hard for us: after a FET, I got pregnant, but then I had a miscarriage... and while I was waiting for the surgery (DNC), I looked at my husband and I thought "but what are we doing? why am I taking all this medication? why am I hurting myself?"

I mean, I don't regret anything we made, but now we are really ready for adoption!
We just started with all the paperwork! And we are really happy because we know that at the end there will be a baby! Our baby! :-)

Good luck and sorry for my English! :-)

COME ON BABY said...

PERFECT!!!!! WONDERFUL!!! AWESOME!!! I can't wait to read this adventure. Congrats!!!

Marica said...

additionally: we attended an orientation meeting, there was also a couple who adopted, and there was their little child (2 years old), who called them "daddy! mommy!"
and it was fantastic!
this couple with problems like ours, and now they have this cute child calling them "daddy" and "mommy"... and I thought "I can be a mommy!" :-)

ifcrossroads.com said...

What a beautiful post - you have a lot of supporters on your side - and you will be a wonderful mother. XO I'm so happy to read this.

Angela Zipperer said...

Katie and Joey,
{{{[HUGS}}}} from the Zipperers where adoption sort of runs in the family. (Dave was adopted as was his mom.)
We are so excited for you!

JC said...

Congrats Katie! I'm very happy for you guys and you will make the best parents! =)

Jen said...

Katie you will be an awesome mom! Congrats on the decision!

rebecca said...

Happy Blogversary and congratulations on the decision to adopt! Hope things go smoothly for you as you begin the journey towards adoption:)

Kelly said...

Katie, I know that this was so difficult for you. I'm so proud of you and Joey for reaching this decision and am so excited about what the future holds for you.

suchagoodegg said...

You are awesome Katie. I sense peace in this post, and that is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. You and Joey are going to be freaking awesome parents, and I cannot wait to follow along on your journey to adoption. Biggest hugs ever my sweet friend. xoxo

Maren said...

Congrats!! What an awesome decision. :) My husband and I recently made the same decision to stop IF treatments and pursue adoption. I'm really happy for you guys. I remember how big of a relief it was for my husband and I when we finally chose to pursue adoption. Best of luck to you and I'll think extra happy thoughts for you. :)

S.I.F. said...

Oh Katie!! This has me in tears!! I am so freaking excited for you! Amazing!

Michaela said...

That is so amazing! It's the most beautiful thing I have every heard. Your baby is out there waiting for you.

one-good-egg said...

That's awesome, and I am proud of you for being steadfast in your decisions. That is a hard one to decide. There are so many children who need good parents and it sounds like you and Joey can provide that for a little one. Best of luck to you on your journey. ***hugs***

determineddory said...

Congratulations, Katie! I'm so glad that you feel good in your decision. There are so many babies out there who need good moms, and you're perfect!

jennifer @ What Would Jen Do said...

congratulations on your big decision, i know how hard something like this can be. i'm so proud of you!

Littlest True Blue said...

Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! I can't wait to follow the adoption journey with you ! you guys are going to be amazing parents! I love your decision!

Sara said...

Very excited for you and your husband!

Dawn said...

I also look forward to reading about your upcoming journey! I'm so happy to hear that you are following your heart and reached a decision that you are happy with.

JL said...

So excited for you!

PCOSChick said...

YAY!!! Your news is out :) I am so beyond excited for you & Joey & cannot wait to follow you on this journey!!! Lots of love!

Amanda said...

Katie--- I'm so happy for you!! I hope the adoption is a smooth and quick journey for you!!!


I wish you the best!!!!

Amber said...

This same decision brought me SO MUCH PEACE in 2008. I wish you all the best and look forward to swapping adoption stories with you! I'm here if you need anything at all!!

erika said...

Such big decisions. I am happy for you, Girl!
How exciting:)

***
I love your new blog design. It's pretty, it's refreshing, it's lovely ... exactly like you!

Danielle said...

SO EXCITING!! You are so right, birth doesn't make you a mom - having a child makes you a mom, no matter how said child gets to you. Looking forward to seeing you through this journey. Best of luck!!

Kakunaa said...

What an amazing decision! Are you excited??? Have you started any paperwork???

Carli said...

Katie, what exciting news! I know that was a big decision for you both. Congratulations!

T said...

Oh I have chills! Congratulations on your decision. I know it has not been an easy one for you. I cannot wait to hear about this new journey you are about to embark on.
I cannot wait for you to be a Mommy!!

Ashley said...

Looking forward to following you on this new exciting journey!!

Adele said...

Congratulations on this decision, Katie! Going with your gut and NOT going against yourself when things don't feel right...I just don't ever think that ends badly. I am excited for this new chapter. And you are right on the money. Biology does not a mother make. Other things are much more important.

Ashley D said...

I can't wait to read about your journey through adoption! I wish only the best for you!

Willow said...

AHHH, how did I miss this post?! I'm so happy & excited for you guys! Adoption is amazing and it's going to make you a mama!! I'm so glad you're arrived at the right choice for you. Can't wait to read about this next stage in your journey!!

amiracle4us said...

My husband and I have been fighting the infertility battle for 3 + years now and I understand the desire to 'break up' with it and move on with your life but I too cannot give up on a child. We have recently started the adoption discussion though my husband is not on board. He is not ready to let go of the idea of 'our child'. We will complete a frozen transfer in January and if that doesn't work, adoption will likely be our road as well. It is encouraging and comforting to hear your joy and happiness with your decision to adopt. A child adopted is still your child; you raise them, love them and care for them every step of the way. Congrats with moving forward to fulfilling your dream :)

Lauren said...

Woo hoo! The excitement is contagious. Congrats on this important decision!

Pixie said...

Hooray! So happy that you have found some peace and happiness with this decision. We are in the process as well, and it feels good to make progress towards becoming parents. I have faith that while our paths may have been difficult and/or painful, we become parents to the child we were meant to parent. Best wishes.
Cheese Curds and Kimchi

liberalgranolagirl said...

SOOOOOOO excited for y'all!!!

MomisQueen said...

That is very exciting and I am happy for you. We may be heading in that same direction... so following your journey gives me hope. :)