I appreciate all of the positive comments on yesterday's post. I was having one of those days where I felt backed into a corner with no way out. Infertility often makes me feel this way, but this week particularly so. It could be because I've been struggling with and weighing some big decisions about our future with TTC/fertility treatments. (It could also be because I've been reading too much garbage on the Internet.)
While I realize that some of my readers don't suffer from infertility, I don't think that I have a duty or obligation to consider the feelings of those who are on the other side of the fence when I'm writing down MY innermost feelings. I may come across as a terrible person with those words, but I don't mean any ill will by them. Honestly, if you've been reading my blog long enough, you should know that if I thought "All fertile women are bloodsucking bitches," I'd write it. I promise. But this is my journal - my private journal, which I chose to open up to the world in hopes that it will help others realize that they are not alone and help enlighten the outsiders as to what it's like to be infertile. I am not required nor do I intend to empathize women who become pregnant easily.
This is not to say that there are not fertile women in my life who don't sympathize with my situation, with what I am going through. Of course there are, and they are essential to my day-to-day living. But they don't truly understand my pain, or the pain of anyone else going through this. This is not a slight against fertile women; it's a fact. Call me hateful. Call me angry. Call me jealous. Call me whatever you wish. But I don't think it's fair to ask me to look at life from the opposite angle. It's like asking a man without legs to look at how difficult life is for a man with all of his limbs. Or like asking a parent of a disabled child to understand the plight of a parent with a child who is healthy. It's impossible; not ill-intentioned, just impossible.
To Kill a Mockingbird was one of my favorite books as a kid. It remains on my list of favorites today. In it lies one of my favorite literary quotes: "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." Until a woman who gets pregnant naturally walks around in my skin or the skin of any other woman in this community, she will not know the deep, lasting pain that infertility has on a person's soul. No child, not even a dozen children, will take away my struggle to become a mother. I am, and always will be, infertile.