Please note on your readers that I have a new blog: http://nowaystosayit.com.

If you have any questions, you can email me at katieschaber (at) gmail.com.

Thank you for all of your support over the years! xo

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

atticus finch was right

I appreciate all of the positive comments on yesterday's post. I was having one of those days where I felt backed into a corner with no way out. Infertility often makes me feel this way, but this week particularly so. It could be because I've been struggling with and weighing some big decisions about our future with TTC/fertility treatments. (It could also be because I've been reading too much garbage on the Internet.)

While I realize that some of my readers don't suffer from infertility, I don't think that I have a duty or obligation to consider the feelings of those who are on the other side of the fence when I'm writing down MY innermost feelings. I may come across as a terrible person with those words, but I don't mean any ill will by them. Honestly, if you've been reading my blog long enough, you should know that if I thought "All fertile women are bloodsucking bitches," I'd write it. I promise. But this is my journal - my private journal, which I chose to open up to the world in hopes that it will help others realize that they are not alone and help enlighten the outsiders as to what it's like to be infertile. I am not required nor do I intend to empathize women who become pregnant easily.

This is not to say that there are not fertile women in my life who don't sympathize with my situation, with what I am going through. Of course there are, and they are essential to my day-to-day living. But they don't truly understand my pain, or the pain of anyone else going through this. This is not a slight against fertile women; it's a fact. Call me hateful. Call me angry. Call me jealous. Call me whatever you wish. But I don't think it's fair to ask me to look at life from the opposite angle. It's like asking a man without legs to look at how difficult life is for a man with all of his limbs. Or like asking a parent of a disabled child to understand the plight of a parent with a child who is healthy. It's impossible; not ill-intentioned, just impossible.

To Kill a Mockingbird was one of my favorite books as a kid. It remains on my list of favorites today. In it lies one of my favorite literary quotes: "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." Until a woman who gets pregnant naturally walks around in my skin or the skin of any other woman in this community, she will not know the deep, lasting pain that infertility has on a person's soul. No child, not even a dozen children, will take away my struggle to become a mother. I am, and always will be, infertile.

31 comments:

A said...

i totally agree with you- they will never understand!!

waiting and wishing said...

Again, perfectly put!

MelissaP05 said...

Completely agree with everything you've said. Its sad to say but even some women who have gone through IF and reached the other side forget what the pain of still trying to get pregnant feels like. Hugs!

ifcrossroads.com said...

Amen.

Alex said...

Absolutely agree!

Kelly said...

You're right...your thoughts, your perspective and your understand of the IF community. Also, you're right that this is your space. :)

Rebecca said...

Beautifully put.

someday-soon said...

Well said! I will never forget the pain of the IF struggle and wish I could make it easier for all that are still in the trenches...

Nixy said...

VERY well said.

Kakunaa said...

Very well stated.

christine said...

Once again, you are spot on.

Stephanie said...

As always you are completely right! I didn't understand until I entered this journey and I know that my mom, my sister in laws, people who easily had children don't get it. Thankfully they don't expect me to always be sunny. Hugs to you for sharing your thoughts in your space and thank you for opening it up to all of us!

CW said...

Perfectly said.

~C~ said...

Semper fi.

Kim said...

Thank you for inviting us into your space, where your thoughts and feelings are not negotiable. They are yours and many of us feel the same, and we will never take that away from you. xoxoxox

Another Dreamer said...

Very well said.

Michelle said...

Perfection.

Secret Sloper said...

Katie, I didn't get a chance to comment yesterday. As always, you speak a truth that resonates so deeply with me and you do it so eloquently. You're a tremendous advocate for those suffering from IF and a great friend.

I used to be one of those "fertile" women (or so I presumed) reading IF blogs and thinking, "They're so bitter, they're so mean, they should just embrace the joy in life, it's not other women's faults if they get pregnant easily."

I didn't understand this pain. Now I do. There's no going back.

Alice said...

So true.

Rita said...

Yesterday and today's posts are beautiful as always, Katie.

People who have never been there will never understand. They simply can't.

Cheryl said...

One should NEVER judge what they can't and don't understand. Yet, they do it every single day. This is your blog and as you stated, anyone who has read for your blog for any significant amount of time knows that you are absolutely capable of communicating exactly what you believe and/or feel which is what I personally love about you. I respect your writing and that you don't travel around your elbow to get your ass when you have something to say unlike some people who prefer to exhibit passive aggressive tendencies - which in my humble opinion - is a colassal waste of time. In any event, keep doing what you're doing. I look forward to more...

callmemama said...

Amen.

By the way, are people confusing empathy with sympathy?
My favorite def. of empathy is "the capacity to know emotionally what another is experiencing from within the frame of reference of that other person, the capacity to sample the feelings of another or to put one's self in another's shoes".
As opposed to sympathy, which is "the feeling of compassion or concern for another, the wish to see them better off or happier".

One of your (fertile) commenters used the word empathy and for some reason it just rubbed me the wrong way. Again, it just goes back to you have no idea until you've experienced it. It's not a condemnation of fertile people for not trying hard enough, it's just a whole 'nother world...

Crossed Fingers said...

I 110% agree with your post. This is your blog, your journal where you vent about what YOU want to. If someone doesn't like it they have the total power to close out and walk away. *hugs*

Jennifer said...

I agree completely with you because before I knew I was infertile I didn't understand that pain.

Michaela said...

I actually had a friend of mine tell me that because she's had children she would have a better perspective on infertility! Unbelievable!

Jessica said...

Well said!

Adele said...

Aticus was absolutely right. And the space from here to there is so very large. I also think that you're right on the money - this is your blog, Katie. It's here for you to express yourself, to work things out.

Carli said...

Katie, it never ceases to amaze me how you can write down the thoughts of an infertile person in such eloquent words. Have I told you lately that I love you???
It really is hard for people who haven't been in our skin to understand just how it feels.

S.I.F. said...

Honestly Katie, you don't have a responsibility to ANYONE but YOU when you are writing here... This is your space, and we are ONLY here to support you... no matter what!

Jem said...

Amen, sister!

myinfertilitywoes said...

Wow - what a great post. Thank you for sharing your feelings (and thereby the feelings many of us share) so eloquently.

I'm so glad I found you!