Tuesday, November 30, 2010

admitting sadness

I will never be pregnant.

I will never experience what it's like to carry my own child within my belly.

I will never see a second line on a pregnancy test.

I will never witness the reaction on our families' faces when we tell them we are expecting.

I will never see my child on an ultrasound.

I will never feel the baby's first kicks.

I will never play music to my belly.

I will never wonder if I'm on team pink or team blue.

I will never be the pregnant lady at the baby shower.

I will never wear cute maternity clothes or smack hands away from my growing belly.

I will never experience childbirth.

I will never be pregnant. And, sometimes, that makes me sad.

51 comments:

Josey said...

It's okay to be sad. Just remember, you WILL be a Mommy, and that's more important than any of those things on your list. ((HUGS))

Alex said...

Of course this makes you sad. It's completely understandable! It's very important that you grieve the loss of being pregnant, and everything on this list, before you move forward with adoption. Although from what I understand from talking to others, the grief still lingers for quite awhile, so it's really making sure you grieve as you move forward. Thanks for sharing this.

serenity said...

Aw, hon. So normal to grieve. So hard, too.

xoxo

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Recognizing grief and dealing with it is necessary though to be able to move forward.

Jen said...

Oh sweetie. I'm so so glad that you're writing about this. You have to grieve these things. And, I'm not sure one ever fully gets over it. Good luck getting through this process, and I'm hear to listen. These losses are significant and painful, and you're so strong and brave to facing them. *hugs*

Conceptionally Challenged said...

It is such a sad thought, never getting to experience this thing you wanted for so long and worked so hard for. Thinking of you.

PCOSChick said...

It is so very normal to feel this way. Please know it is ok to grieve & be sad, do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you need to talk, cry, whatever-you know where to find me!

xoxo

Jennifer said...

This is such a sad list and I am right there with you. I am so sorry.

Pre-Heated Oven said...

This made me cry.
I'm so sorry, this is so hard.

Elizabeth said...

I have felt everything you have written here, and feel this will always be my reality too. I'm finding it harder and harder these days to be one of (what seems like) the very few that will never be pregnant. You are not alone.

Michaela said...

I am facing that same reality and I understand the sadness. It's deeper than any other sadness and will always remain. I guess the best we can do is to try to find the happiness that overrides that sadness and to support one another along the way.

Dawn said...

It's so normal to grieve. I hate that you have to feel this way.

LisaB said...

I'm so sorry :*( *hugs*

Katherine & Jesus said...

We have been trying for almost three years and I feel so lost at times, so I understand your sadness. Im praying for your heart to be mended. And for you to have a baby through adoption.

Rebecca said...

((hugs)) It is an incredibly sad list and understandable.

The Domestic Princess said...

I'm just sending a hug!

manymanymoons said...

I'm feeling exactly the same way right now. There is so much to look forward to now that we are planning to adopt, but there are other things that just plain suck. I'm sorry.

Diana said...

Never? I believe in miracles and I am hoping you get one. This made me tear up. I'm sorry for your pain.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I think this is part of the normal grieving process... but it doesn't make it easy. I am definitely giving donor embryo a shot, but as I move on to it, I know that might not work either, so I am making my heart open to adoption. And so, these thoughts are not far from my own mind or heart. These are hard choices we must face, and we are stronger people because of them. Hugs-
Jess

Michelle said...

Oh Katie, I have soooo been there. Many times over the past couple of weeks since we have made our decision to adopt. Let yourself be sad and grieve that loss, because it is real. All I can say, is what I've been told. While we are currently, and have, experienced such heart ache...the journey will be worth it in the end. When we have that baby in our arms, the pain will lessen dramatically and we will feel peace again. I look forward to that moment, and like you, have to believe that adoption will provide that for us. Hang in there and walk through that fire. It's all part of the process. I so get where you are coming from.

Michelle said...

Oh hon. I'm sorry. Infertility robs us of so much. *big hugs*

A said...

*sigh* me too...

Kelly said...

Katie, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I wish there were something else I could say to take the pain away.

Randi said...

I'm sorry sweetie - let yourself grieve. Know we're pulling for you and here to listen and support you. Sending prayers and love to you. Hang in there.

Cheryl said...

Totally understandable. The good news - you will be a mom. You will be an amazing mom to someone so special that one day that will hopefully remove some - if not all - of this sadness. (((hugs)))

Kakunaa said...

It's okay to be sad about that. It is a huge loss. HUGS.

Anna said...

((((HUGS)))))

erika said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
erika said...

I understand what you are going through.
So much love your ways! and I wish I could give you a hug.

jennifer @ What Would Jen Do said...

it's ok, when you have a baby in your arms, i think it'll be enough to wipe this all away

jill's infertility document said...

Making this list is a huge step forward. I think it will always be sad. just remember that you do not grieve alone and that you will be a parent, and many of the things on this list will be replaced by equally wonderful and meaningful things.

Stephanie said...

Sending you hugs! While your new direction of the journey is so exciting, you are right with this post, you need to mourn the loss of pregnancy. Once you have your baby in your arms, it won't matter how he/she got there though! :-D

JC said...

Thinking of you. I'm sure there will be good days and bad and it will be hard like anything else. But once you have your baby I'm sure it will be worth it. ((Hugs))

maura said...

Gawww it's so hard. I don't think that sadness will every disappear but I hope one day it lessens while you hold your child.

Lovin Ma Soldier said...

It's so sad. We're sad with you and we're sad for you. <3

You have listed every single one of my IF fears. And as much hope one can have, I truly believe I will never experience any of that. <3

cOLey24 said...

But you will be an AMAZING mother, because you know what it's like not to experience those first few months with your baby. You will love that little one more than some women who reproduce at a disturbing rate. You will give that child more attention than most women who take for granted the gift that they've been given, because you know 100%, without a doubt, that a child is truly a blessing. This grief is normal, but do not lose sight of the future ahead of you as a MOM - not just the pregnant woman at the grocery store.

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* Thinking of you.

Willow said...

I still grieve for these losses. It is so hard to go down a different path, and some of this pain will always linger, but I know adoption will bring you your baby and fill you with unimaginable joy. Thank you for sharing this.

S.I.F. said...

I'm sad too. Sad in a way that feels like it's always going to be there.

We can be sad together.

Another Dreamer said...

It's okay to be sad (*hugs*)
It's a lot to deal with, I understand that so well.

myinfertilitywoes said...

(((hugs)))

Lori said...

Sending you big, warm hugs! I have felt like this so many times. I am very sorry you are going through this! It's so hard when we want something so badly and it's just not happening. I just have to keep hoping and I pray that you will too! <3 <3 <3

Littlest True Blue said...

I love your "admitting" posts. They all ring so true and make you so much more "real". Its ok to be sad and scared. You are amazing!
LTB

Scout said...

((hugs))

AL said...

((hugs))
I think these posts are great - admitting your sadness and grief over a loss of an experience even as you start down the adoption path. Very healthy and honest.

someday-soon said...

I'm sorry {{{HUGS}}}

Kerrik said...

Katie, I'm so sorry you are grieving. I hope that your adoption process runs smoothly, and that one day when you look into the face of your own beautiful child, all the pain will melt away forever.

Trisha said...

It is ok to be sad, I think we have to go through all of these emotions to prepare us for what's to come. I've been there and still have some of those days where that hits me. It's the knowing that a baby is waiting at the end of this road that make it all worth it.

anonomity said...

I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))

rebecca said...

Heartbreakingly honest and completely understandable. Part of the grieving process to recognize all of the losses involved and so important to acknowledge them. Sending you so much love ((hugs))

Reagan's Mommy said...

All valid reasons to be sad. I have basically the same list. We adopted our daughter in 2008 and while the sadness for the reasons you listed doesn't ever completely disappear, motherhood definitely takes the sting out of those things. It is okay to be sad for any and all of those reasons and none of it means that you will love your child any less.