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Sunday, October 31, 2010

mom, me, and halloween

My mom hates Halloween.

I don't know why. She's always felt this way. But she never let on to this fact when we were kids. She was super mom. She was the mom who spent weeks helping my brother and I plan (and sometimes make) our costumes. Sewing, coloring, hair, makeup, fake blood. Whatever we wanted to be, she made it happen. As we grew older and Halloween became a night we spent with our friends rather than our family, Mom's "excitement" over the holiday dwindled to a dull roar. She still handed out candy and helped us put together our costumes, but it was during this time of my life when I realized that Halloween was simply not her favorite day of the year.

Me? I loved Halloween. This day was exciting when I was a kid. I could be whatever I wanted to be - (though I deeply regret the year I wanted to be a pink crayon). When I got into high school and college, Halloween was always a valid excuse for a party with close friends. And when Joey and I got engaged and started talking about children, I imagined walking down a sidewalk with other moms, admiring the different costumes and discussing trivial matters like how long it took to put the outfit together or how many times our child changed his or her mind about what to dress up as.

No offense to my mom, but I don't want to hate Halloween. I don't want to be the only woman in the neighborhood who has no face to paint, no tiny hand to hold while trick-or-treating, and no candy to sort through at the end of the night. And I don't want my mom to be the miserable lady who hates this day. I want her to be the grandma who helps me sew my child's costume together. I want her to help me be the super mom that she was on this holiday when I was growing up. Halloween shouldn't be over for her. She should have to endure years more of everything that comes with this day - and so should I.

Instead, tonight, I sit at home in my pajamas. I take deep, shallow breaths through the pain of my cyst and cramps, munch on candy, and think about how different my life could be. Meanwhile, my mom sits at home, porch light off, most likely drinking a glass of wine on her couch - both of us eager to put this holiday behind us.

24 comments:

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* I hope that next halloween is very different for the both of you.

Kelly said...

I agree...I hope next Halloween is different for both of you.

And...I hope you feel better physically soon. I hate that you are in so much pain.

Josey said...

:( Ugh, I feel your pain. My MIL is coming down to our house SPECIFICALLY b/c she loves looking at all the little kids dressed up in costumes. Thanks MIL, rub it in that we don't have one. I know she doesn't mean it like that, but it still sucks. I want to sit with my porch light off drinking wine as well!

Arlyne said...

tremendous (((HUGS))) to you for all of yo0urs & your mom's pain, both physical & emotional. I hope next year is a very happy halloween for you both! xoxoxoxox

Single Mom 2b said...

Good post. It's a difficult holiday when you really want a child and you don't yet have one (or are having difficulty on that path). I thought I was going to have a tough time tonight but the kids are really helping me smile!

Stefanie Blakely said...

Oh honey, I totally understand the pain of such a kid-centric holiday. Biggest hugs to you tonight and always. XOXO.

christine said...

I hope you get the halloween of your dreams and a tiny little hand to hold down the sidewalk.

Rebecca said...

((hugs)) All night long I've been going back and forth between feeling touched at the adorable little kids and incredible sadness. I just hate this all so much. And, i hate that you're hurting so much. I hope things start to get better soon.

Kakunaa said...

Awww, I am so sorry this is turning into a rough holiday for you. HUGS.

Kandid Kelli said...

I hope 1 of 2 things for next year:

1) your fat... b/c your carrying your own little pumpkin (aka your pregnant)

-or-

2) your pushing a stroller around your neighborhood with your new little pumpkin in it! :)

ily Katie (and Joey)

xo
-K

Jennifer said...

I know what you mean. My DH and I went on a date last night to the mall(the movie theatre is there) it didn't even occur to me what a huge mistake that would be. Hundreds of cute kids dressed up for halloween. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. It didn't even occur to me that there would be a big halloween thing at the mall for kids. I'm sorry you are feeling like this - I hope for better things for you coming soon.

Alex said...

Oh I'm so very sorry that today is so hard for you. Hugs!

Another Dreamer said...

What a post.

I hope that next Halloween is different for you both, or at least someday soon.

I also really hope you get to feeling better :(

I love Halloween, and look forward to the day when I'm dressing my child up and taking them out... instead of staying home passing the candy out. It's a lot of fun looking at the kids in their costumes, but I wish I had my own to dress up and admire.

S.I.F. said...

I live in a condo, so no trick or treaters here, but... I really can't wait for the day I have my own faces to paint either...

Rita said...

((hugs)), Katie. I hope that next Halloween you're doing everything you dreamed about.

I'm sorry you're still in so much pain. I hope you are over the worst and start feeling better soon. More ((hugs))

Stephanie said...

Heres to hoping next Halloween is different for you and I, and your mom and my mom! :)

Dawn said...

I hope that next Halloween is different for you. And I hope that you feel better soon.

Kim said...

I'm kind of a scrooge when it comes to Halloween, not sure why. If it weren't for my hubs loving it so much, I wouldn't even give out candy.......but he loves it- so we do!

I hope next halloween is filled with the best treat ever! xoxoxoxox

AplusB said...

(((hugs)))...hang in there Katie!

Crossed Fingers said...

I hope that next Halloween you're both enjoying that glass of wine together after a night of taking the baby around for his/her first Halloween.

Elizabeth said...

my porch light was off last night like it has been for years. It's my bah' humbug to Halloween since I can't handle seeing children knowing we can't have one. Halloween used to be fun for me but now I pretty much hate it

Jessica said...

Since TTC 2 1/2 years ago Halloween has been very hard for me. It makes me sad that I don't have a child to dress up and celebrate with. Here's to hoping next year is different for both of us.

jennifer @ what would jen do said...

i don't like giving out candy because i'm not good with children. i have a hard time pretending to fawn over costumes that are on kids who are not mine. i'm not a scroogey person, i just don't care. maybe i'm a little scroogey.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

Oh Katie. I, too, hope that next Halloween is very different for you.