Friday, September 17, 2010

chin on the ground

I'm a giant sack of "blah" lately when it comes to infertility. 

It's weird. I'm not actually depressed, but I can't find a way to be positive about my situation. What is there to be positive about? We've been at this for nearly 2.5 years. We have no means with which to do IVF. I refuse to put more money and effort into IUIs. And I'm one pregnancy announcement away from buying a sailboat and disappearing to some deserted island in the middle of the Caribbean.

It's unrealistic, I know, but it feels like the walls are closing in on me: Am I going to be the last person in the ALI community to get my baby? Every announcement makes it seem that way. Sometimes, I feed myself little sayings, like:

Good things come to those who wait.

and

When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place. 

or

Just remember that ant. 
(Drinks on me if you know what this line is from. Phillies fans should know this.)

Then anger hits me like a freight train. I think, "Haven't I been patient enough?" or "Why AM I still holding on to hope? Shouldn't I realize that hoping is pointless?" It's as if Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde have shacked up in my brain, and I can't get them out. They continue to bicker over my emotions, while I sit here like a third wheel on a bad date. 

I'd like to say that I'm trying, and some days I am. Some days feel good; I'm focusing my energy on helping others by volunteering with RESOLVE. Then some days, it feels worthless. Some days I wonder how I can help others when I can't even help myself. Some days I get jealous. Some days, I just don't have the energy to be happy about anything.

Over the past couple of months, I've had the sneaking suspicion that my endometriosis is back. I've mentioned it here a couple of times, but now I'm fairly positive about it. I chose not to use OPKs this month (too busy; too lazy), but I'm pretty sure any attempt at ovulation was thwarted by whatever is growing on my left ovary. There's a cyst. I can feel it. I've debated calling the RE, but what's the purpose of that? Birth control? No thanks.

I guess I just ride this out. I continue with my Groundhog Day-esque bad date until there's a breakthrough. I keep swimming. I keep plugging along. I keep hoping that either Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde give in before the walls do. And I keep searching for my positivity.

If you find it, do you mind returning it to me?

31 comments:

Another Dreamer said...

Positivity? What's that? I'm a realist, I guess- others call me a pessimist. After you've been on this train so long, I don't know how anyone can maintain positivity or optimism... All the more power to them, but everyone has their limits.

I can definitely relate to how you're feeling, and I hope things get better soon (*hugs*)

endoandbeyond said...

I hope you feel better soon. New to your blog and can only commiserate

Bobbi Johnson said...

Oh man, I really felt your heart in this post. I'm so sorry you're going through this wave of emotions where, at the end of the day, you just feel let down and unsure as to why it has to be this way. I really hope endo isn't back. And I'm sorry you don't have the means to pay for IVF. My husband and I are doing MAJOR budget cuts to give ourself one shot at IVF, and even then, it's only 50/50, right? It's so hard. Hopefully you'll have some more good days in the near future. I'm not going to tell you to hang in there and look at the bright side, because I know how you're feeling and I know those words mean nothing. Much love!

Sarah S said...

Ugh I hate these days,

I wish I could give you some magical advice that will make you feel better, but I am still looking for it.

Sending you lots of hugs....

Rach said...

Ugh, I hate hearing this is how you are feeling. I do get like this myself sometimes. I have been seeing a counselor for about a month now and it's helping a little. It does seem every other day I want to back out of our 2nd IVF. The fear becomes overwhelming. I hope we all make it through this.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. This almost made me cry. I guess, though, that we all have good and bad days. Having tried for so long, no funds for IVF, or the thought that the endo might be back just make it worse. Where should the hope come from, you probably ask. And I'd love to give you an answer but I have no idea. But I will be hopeful for you, for your positivity and your babies.
(hugs)

Gurlee said...

(((hugs)))
Its been said before, but I think you have a way with words.
I am sorry that you are feeling crappy. I know the feeling of not wanting to be the last one standing.
I know you will continue to ride the ebb and flow, just know I am out there with you.

Secret Sloper said...

Katie, I know this funk you have fallen into. I know it so, so, so, so, so well. I know the feeling of being left behind, alone, once again. Of feeling like miracles happen to everyone but you.

I'm just a ray of sunshine, aren't I? But there's nothing to say. These moods are the pits. I'm here with you, I'm pulling for you and Joey, and I'm hoping so much that I get to read your happy announcement one day, too.

S said...

I don't even try to stay positive anymore. When I did, it never got me anywhere. IF sucks, and there is no way to put a positive spin on it, IMO.

I just do the best I can to get through each day, each pregnancy announcement. Some days are harder than others.

I am sorry you feel down, but be gentle with yourself and realize that you feel this way with good reason. You are going through something very difficult.

Don't burden yourself with having to keep a constant upbeat attitude in the face of something awful like this.

P.S. "Just remember that ant" comes from that song "High Hopes" about the ant moving the rubber tree plant. (I remember that from Laverne & Shirley, LOL.)

erika said...

I hate to see you soo sad in this post. But I can totally relate. This whole process hurts like no other, and it is hard to see everybody we know passing by. It's so hard. I am very proud of ourselves still standing and fighting. I wish it would get at least a little easier. Hope it will! I am here with you, Katie. Sending you so much love!

Rita said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. IF sucks. Period.

Sending you lots of ((hugs)).

Jennifer said...

2.5 years is a long time and it sucks.

I wish it was different. I hope you have a better day tomorrow it's hard I want to say "It will all be ok" but I completely understand where you are right now.

Arlyne said...

((((HUGS)))) sweetie! that's all I have for you right now, but please know you are ALWAYS in my thoughts & especially in my prayers!

waiting for baby said...

I haven't thought about a sailboat to an island, that sounds nice. :)

I feel like I'm totally in your boat. Sigh.

Kelly said...

I know how you feel but for different reasons. The Groundhog Day reference was perfect.

Kakunaa said...

I know you are miserable, but you really do express yourself so well...

Why is it that we hate it when someone else feeds us platitides, but we feed them to ourselves. It's a way of persevering.

I hope you find a way to handle all this, find a way to make peace...

christine said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I so wish that there was a better understanding of IF so that insurance companies would cover IUI/IVF so that everyone would have the chance to do it. I wish you were able to go through IVF without worrying about the finances!!

Thinking of you and sending you some *hugs*!

JC said...

Got room for one more on your sailboat??

I totally feel you, Katie. Idk how much more of this I can take. I feel like I'll be the last one left too. Big ((hugs)). Miss you, maybe we can get together soon if work isn't so effing horrid next week.

jensays (what would jen do) said...

you've been having such a hard time lately, i hope you feel better soon.

Angela Zipperer said...

Would that be the "oops there goes another rubber tree" ant?
Hayley says she's in for the yacht trip!

S.I.F. said...

I've had so many of these same thoughts lately Katie... just feeling numb and not being able to muster up excitement or joy about anything really anymore.

It sucks. And it so isn't me.

It's 11:30 at night, and I just had a breakdown and wound up on the phone with my dad (who is an hour ahead of me), telling him how I honestly don't know if I am ever going to get over this. My endo is definitely back, full blown, and I am trying to decide if I should have another surgery or just go straight to my FET and I am just... defeated. Before it has even begun, I am defeated. And it all came out on my poor dad in the middle of the night.

This all sucks love. No one is going to tell you different. I can't tell you how many times I have wondered "Haven't I suffered enough?!? When does this freaking end!"

Just know you aren't alone... I don't know if that makes it better or worse, but; you aren't alone.

Jessica said...

After 2.5 years and not one pregnancy I with you one feeling like the only one left that isn't pregnant. Since starting to read IF blogs 1.5 years ago, 90% of the girls I have been following have gotten pregnant and had their baby. It's suck and its not fair. I relate to how you are feeling!! ((HUGS))

MelissaP05 said...

You've said everything I've been feeling for the past 3.5 years! I feel like everyone even in the IF community that I've known for like 2 years, is surpassing me with PG announcements or that they already have their miracles. I know it feels like there is no end in sight and that it seems like the dream of having a baby is slipping away, but stay positive and don't lose hope. Hope is all we have left. Once you lose hope, it's all pointless. Things will turn around, they have to. Some way or another you'll either get the funds to do more treatments or your doctors will figure out how to make things better. Just know you have my support and prayers! When you start feeling like this again, remind yourself that you are NOT alone and that there are other's out there that feel the same way you do and are going through the same things. HUGS

Adele said...

I'm sorry, Katie. Sometimes it's just so very hard to say positive. Because it really is one eternal Groundhog Day. Only WORSE. Because good things happen to other people, and then you're the only one experiencing the same old same old.

But I hope you feel better soon (and I hope very much that the endo is NOT back)

Jess said...

I am feeling a lot of these same emotions that you are girlie! there is always a 'Someday' thought. But, I think it is more beneficial and positive to just think about today, and what you can do today to get through things and be happy.

I am in your situation with a cyst and possible endometriosis. I have decided to try birth control for the first time...so I'll see if it balances everything. Sure hope so, although I hate the idea of going on it. Gotta do whatcha gotta do.

Rebecca said...

((hugs)) I'm so sorry that it is such a down time lately.

I hope you get that rubber tree plant moving soon.

Stefanie Blakely said...

Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry. I was always a pessimist, so I'm probably not the one to send optimism your way. What I can send is hope! Just like all of these other ladies, every day I still have hope that one day the happy announcement will come from you! *hugs*

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I can really really really relate to this post. I am doing IVF, so I do have some forward movement, but staying positive is so hard. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel very "blah." I wish I had the right words to help.

I hope you don't have endo/ cysts. :(

PS- Drinks are on you! That is from "high hopes", which was also sung by our beloved Harry Kalas!!

Stephanie said...

Oh I just want to give you a big hug!! You are just one of the most amazing people I've met...you're feeling like crap and still kind enough to leave me comments on my vacation and pity party about my solo anniversary date. I wish I could give you a baby, oh so badly, I wish I could make it all better for you.

Dawn said...

I'm sorry you're going through so much crap right now. I'm sending you loads of hugs and I've got very "high apple pie in the sky hopes" for you!

Waiting Lisa said...

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

That was honestly the one that I held on to for years. It helped.

Thinking of you <3