Saturday, August 21, 2010

torn

I am the worst decision maker. Ever.

When my husband asks me where I want to go for dinner, it can take me up to an hour to figure it out.

When it came time to make decisions about infertility treatments, I often went back and forth from one choice to another, not sure which path was the right one for us.

Now, I (potentially) face another choice.

The, um, meeting went well. I think some of you were able to read between the lines and figure out that it was a meeting about a job. You were right. The position is everything I thought it would be, and I enjoyed speaking to both of the ladies who interviewed me. Let's just say that this would be the perfect stepping stone to a career in library studies after I earn my master's degree.

So, you may wonder why there is a choice to make.

It involves money.

You know, growing up I learned that money isn't everything. This saying became a joke when we started going through infertility treatments. Money IS everything when it comes to your body not working and wanting to have a baby. And when it came time to make a decision about IVF, money played a dominant role in our final verdict.

Now, I'm faced with an opportunity that is strong in the long run. But in the short run? I'm going to be perfectly honest: the pay is at least $13,000 less a year than what I make now. That's not just a small pay cut. That's a significant decrease. Combine this with the fact that Joey is likely going to part time in the spring because he'll have a full course load.

Yeah. Not good.

And what about living our lives? Isn't that a major reason we decided not to pursue IVF? We wouldn't be able to live much of a life taking that kind of pay cut. And what about the dream of having a baby? I would have to stop acupuncture. We'd also have to stop trying naturally. I'm willing to give up medical intervention, but I'm not willing to give up any chance at all.

This is a tough decision. I'm torn between doing what I want to do for the rest of my life and having money with which to live my life. There's a secret piece of me that hopes and prays I'm not offered the position.

This way, I don't have to say what I know in my head is the right thing to do.

25 comments:

someday-soon said...

Wow, that is a tough decision! Maybe a good pro and con list would help?

Rebecca said...

I feel for you on the decision. I am AWFUL at making decisions. (I sometimes think I became a vegetarian so I'd have fewer options to choose from on a menu.). This does sound like a really tough one, though. This is a huge choice to make and I don't know what you should do. Wishing you lots of luck in finding which way your heart and head are leading!

Miss Megan said...

I understand being torn! I am a fellow indicisive soul, I was in the same position (well, opposite position actually) a couple of years ago. I know that money isn't everything, but I had to make the choice to go with the money if I had any thoughts of ever having a family, not to mention the other things that I wanted in life (a home to raise children in, decent cars, not living paycheck to paycheck forever).
You do what you have to do, and you have to make the decisions that are right for you in the short term as well as those that are right in the long term. At this point in time you simply can't take that much of a pay cut. Period. As much as I hate to say it, I hope they don't offer you the position either!! =).

Adam and Julia said...

wow. i don't know what I would do. there will be other jobs in the future but i don't know if it is worth giving up your life. maybe an even better job is waiting around the corner for you.

Leslie said...

I completely understand being torn and having a hard time making a decision (I would be the same way.) Is there any way if you are offered the job, you can negotiate for less of a pay cut? Do you know the amount that you could accept and still be able to do everything you wanted to do? It can not hurt to ask. Wishing you the best!

Jess said...

Tough tough decision! When it comes down to it, you have to do what is going to make you most happy and content. Essentially it's not just about the money, it's about everything affected by the money. Sleep on it and maybe you'll be able to 'feel' where your heart is leading you.

waiting and wishing said...

So I know this might sound like a giant kick in the overies, but this has been the center point for my decision making ever since the day I read it... "I've got to stop living for the tomorrows that many never come, and start living for today."
You've got one heck of a choice ahead of you, and I pray that you can find peace in whatever road you choose to take.

Kelly said...

This is a difficult one, isn't it? I don't envy you one bit.

What I'm going to say is easier said than done, but I think you have to figure out a few things...

First, can you do this financially? If the answer is yes, then skip to #2. :)

#2: Which would make you happier? Do you want to stay at your current job and be unhappy or, are you willing to take the pay cut, shorten your commute and do something that may be difficult (in part) now but will be more worthwhile in the long run?

In a way, could the job be a blessing in disguise? You weren't sure how you were feeling about IVF and now you would be able to postpone agonizing over the decision.

christine said...

Ah! That is SO tough! I hate it when I'm faced with decisions like that. Hope you feel at peace with whatever happens!

Oh and congrats on Oing! Yay 2WW!

Jen said...

I work in HR, so I hear of candidates' decisions they have to make like this a lot. I have recently hired a few people that took a huge pay cut, but I think it was more b/c they were somewhat desperate after being laid off. Obviously you aren't desperate b/c you aren't out of work. I would tend to say there will be other jobs to come along by the time you get your masters, but obvs with this economy, who knows. You obviously know the job market in your area best and should take that into account. Good luck!

Jessica said...

I am all about pro/con lists...they help me make difficult decisions. I hope whatever you feel peace in whatever you choose. Good Luck!!

Kandid Kelli said...

This is a toughie hon!

Maybe this was just to prov to you that there is something out there for you other then what youre doing and to keep your options open, but maybe not this particular option?

Good luck, I know you will make the right decision for you and joey. What did he have to say?

xo
-K

Kakunaa said...

Oh, man...I hate when real life interferes in our happiness. I DESPISE my job, would have a hard time finding one I didn't, but if I did, I can guarantee it would not have benefits or pay even close to what we need to stay even right now. I really hope that you are able to find a way to make it happen, or that you don't feel terrible about not being able to do it. HUGS.

Katie said...

So.... I know I haven't commented in forever....sorry!! New school = no free time! Anyhoo.... My two cents:
Tough decision. BUT, this job being a 'stepping stone' doesn't mean it's the only path to your dream job. I say stay with the job that will keep you financially ok. Between grad school and life... Another stepping stone will appear on your path. Good Luck!!

S.I.F. said...

I've faced this choice before, and it's not an easy one. I don't envy you at all right now lady, but I do know you will make the right decision... You'll figure out what's best, and then you won't look back!

Adele said...

Decisions like this are so very, very tough. You're taking what you know (your current situation) and comparing it to the possibility of something unknown. It's enough to make one's head swim! I'm thinking good thoughts for you in deciding, and that the way suddenly becomes clear.

(And you're so very right about IF - it requires us to think in a very nuts and bolts way about this kind of thing!).

Stephanie said...

That is so hard and I totally feel you. I've been interviewing lately for new positions which would make me happier with my career and like you I end up facing a big paycut since I'm looking at nonprofits. Money isn't everything, but it sure can help out in a many situations, especially baby related. Thinking about you...

Erin said...

Oh, Katie...I wish I could give you some helpful advice. This is such a tough decision. I really hope you are able to come to the best decision for you. Thinking of you!

Josey said...

Yikes - this is such a tough decision. I was raised the same way...money isn't everything...but it still makes life (especially IF life) a heck of a lot easier. I hope you find peace whichever path you choose...

JC said...

I'm the worst decision maker ever too!

Oh man, I don't envy you having to make this tough decision. I'm glad it went well though and you rocked it. I would prob secretly hope I didn't get it either. I hope you guy can figure out what's best for you and it all works out how it's supposed to.

Dawn said...

I hope that a clear direction presents itself. Maybe you could negotiate a higher salary? Would it be a long time before you would be back at your current salary? Is this job a closer commute for you? If it is and you can negotiate a bit more money then maybe it wouldn't be so bad?

Another Dreamer said...

(*hugs*) on the tough decision. I agree, a pro con list maybe? What is your heart saying? I totally hear you about the money thing- I hate money, yet now it's one of the biggest considerations in my life if I want to be a mother. Sad really.

Wishing you peace in whichever decision you make.

Marla said...

It is a tough decision, but you have to be able to at least pay your bills. If you can do that with the salary decrease, then go for it. But if you can't, then the decision's been made. Another job will come along. Good luck!

serenity said...

Tough decision. I am not sure what I'd decide if I were in your shoes; even feeling as I have been lately about wanting to LOVE what I do for work.

I will say that there's something to be said for having some happiness in your life. If it means career fulfillment, it might be worth considering.

xoxo

Crossed Fingers said...

That is a hard choice but I have learned over the years to let yourself chew things over, see both ends of the spectrum and then make your choice that your heart is telling you is the right one.

Either way - it'll be the right choice for you.