Thursday, August 5, 2010

the morning after: picking up the pieces

How do you pick up the pieces of a shattered dream?

I'm not quite sure where to begin at this point. I feel as if I'm staring at piles of puzzle pieces. There are thousands of them, and each one represents a part of me and a part of my life. My task is to put the puzzle back together again. But what if some of the pieces are missing forever? What if I can never get those parts of my life back? What if I simply can't put it back together the way it's supposed to be? What if it takes me the rest of my life to solve this puzzle?

I have so many questions swimming in my head. And I have to learn that not all of them can be answered.

I thought that a logical first step in solving this jigsaw might be to find a therapist. I know that therapy may not be able to glue me back together, but it's a start. I spent the earlier part of this week researching therapists in my area who have extended hours and who specialize in infertility. I also wanted a woman. No offense to any men who read this blog (probably just my husband), but we all know women process infertility differently than men. I need someone who understands my physical yearning to carry a child.

My first appointment is Saturday, after my acupuncture appointment. I need this. I've needed this for a long time. I went to therapy at the beginning and stopped. I thought I was doing well, doing better. But I'm not. Yet another thing I must accept that.

It's tough admitting that I need help. It's tough admitting that I am not ready mentally and emotionally for the next steps. It was difficult enough for me to say this to myself, let alone to my husband. And then to post it here, for hundreds of people to read. To sit down and write, "I'm a fucking headcase because I can't have a baby. What now?" Instead of getting easier, each day proves more difficult. Each day there are more reminders of what I don't, and may never, have.

How can a decision be so right yet so painful at the same time?

That might be the most difficult question yet.

37 comments:

Kakunaa said...

My heart aches for you. Do what you need to heal you, even if it means trying several things. And don't forget to breathe. You are so brave...

Josey said...

You're not the only one who feels like a headcase b/c of your intense desire to have a child. ((HUGS))

I'm glad you're taking the step of finding a therapist who you connect to that will help you through this emotional minefield.

You may never put the puzzle back together the way it was, but you'll probably be surprised that the new ways it fits together is the way it was supposed to be in the first place.

I admire you for admitting to your fears and weaknesses and then DOING something about them.

This is an incredibly tough journey, and nobody should have to walk it alone.

waiting for baby said...

It's so true. This is not one of those bad things that get's better with time. At least not for me. With each day that passes I feel more upset and more in panic. I hope you find a good therapist and write about how it goes. I keep debating on going to see one, but it's hard for me to justify needing to spend another dollar on my medical exspenses.
Thinking of you!

Erin said...

Hugs. I think therapy is a great idea. I saw a therapist in college (for other reasons, obviously), and it was so helpful to me in so many ways. Sometimes you just need an objective place to turn to so you can process your feelings.

Thinking of you!

Wade's World said...

Thinking of you!

Rach said...

I hope the therapist is helpful. I've been to several and none have worked out. Just haven't found the right one.

Really thinking of you. I can tell you are struggling and it's so sad. I hope you feel better soon.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I hope the therapist is a good first step for you. I can really relate to that puzzle pieces feelings. It's so hard as you must do it, and some days it's damn fatiguing.

Thinking of you and sending hugs!

Just Me...C said...

I hate that you are hurting so very much (and yet that seems like an understatement). I haven't written much about it but I too am contemplating just letting go of my dream due to age and how things are looking financially. Just know that in some ways I can sympathize and empathize with you. Now, having said all of that, you are not a headcase. With all due respect, I have been through so much in the past 8 years and even I don't consider myself to have ever been a headcase even after a diagnosis of clinical depression, post traumatic stress disorder, major anxiety, etc. I simply believe that at times life throws so much at us and that often it's simply bigger than we are and more than we can handle. I honestly don't see how anyone ever makes it through life without seeking the help of a "good" therapist. I am proud of you for taking the iniative to step forward and acknowledge that you may need some help in pulling it all back together. Good for you. I promise you (yes I promise) that if you are commited to your treatment you will be better and stronger for it. It won't be easy but it will be so worth while. My advice is simply this...make sure your therapist really works for you. I too will only see women and while I have really liked them all...two of the four did nothing for me although just sitting and talking was nice. I would have loved to have gone out for a cup of coffee with them all. It's just that two of them never challenged me etc. I personally believe it takes a certain amount of hard work and diligence to get better and for me...idle chat didn't get it done. Of course it took me years to discover this all that matters now is that I did find that person (and I will say that the one that finally really helped me was a Psychologist, not a MSW, LCSW, etc). I don't mean to offend but I do believe that there is something to be said for someone having obtained their doctorate. But, that was just my experience. I absolutely wish you the best and I pray that you find peace, healing and comfort in the days ahead. So much can change in a matter of days, weeks and months. Do what you need to do now and you can always re-evaluate later. ((((HUGS))))

Secret Sloper said...

Katie, I don't know how the right decision can hurt so much, but I think it's amazingly brave of you to make that decision despite the pain and to realize it's right in spite of the hurt.

I have to believe that looking out for yourself so courageously will yield tremendous results for you. Somehow, someway...

Kandid Kelli said...

I don't know the right thing to say, or it there is a "right" thing to say. I want you to know that I love you & I am here for you, if that means anything to you. I hope taking these steps help. You deserve to be happy, no matter what. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I know being a part of your blog means a lot to me.

xo
-K

Stephanie said...

You are so brave and strong. Seriously, one of my heros and inspirations through this journey. I'm so happy for you that you're taking time for yourself and eventually that puzzle will look complete and fabulous even if a piece or two are missing.

Jin said...

I dont think any of us are a whole puzzle after IF. The only thing that comes to mind is more of a mosiac top table - the one where you break the glass and use the shards - we all started out "whole" then we got broken by IF, and somewhere at some point we start rebuilding ourselves. Sure there are missing pices, but no one notices that in the end, and if they do, it just makes it that more special. And when the sunny days come again - it'll be beautiful.

I feel like I need to go create a mosaic now and hang it up in a window....

jensays (what would jen do) said...

if you are anything like me, then you have a whole lot of pent up anger inside. and i sincerely hope that therapy can help you release any negativity you might have and also give you comfort.

Alex said...

I think therapy is a great idea. I was very lucky to find someone who went through infertility herself, and specializes it, and she has been so helpful to me in this journey. I admire you for taking this step and asking for help, especially as you are at a transition place. Thinking of you!!!

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I think a therapist is a good thing. I have also been looking into going. I have started the research but I have not found anyone yet. I know you will find all the pieces (some might look a little different now) and make a beautiful picture. Hang in there!

someday-soon said...

You are not a headcase! You are a completely normal person who just needs a little help sorting through her emotions about a highly sensative topic. I think it's so wise of you to seek out a therapist who can be that. I wish you lots of healing and look forward to hearing about your first appointment.

erika said...

Reaching out is the right thing to do. If it is talking about it on your blog, or with a therapist or to your hubby or to a friend in IRL. Whatever you think may help you should give it a try. The process your are going through is extremely painful and hard. You don't have to do it alone! take whatever help you need. We are all here for you! thinking about you.

serenity said...

Hugs, hon. I'm thinking of you.

xoxo

Erika @ Oops! I Craft My Pants said...

I'm so sorry. I hope that you find the perfect fit, as far as a therapist goes.
You are so strong and such an inspiration to so many people. Thanks for writing your heart out so that I can realize I'm not alone.

I'll be praying for you.

AL said...

Therapy is a great idea. It sounds like your Saturday will be very good for your mentally and physically with Acu and therapy. That's great :-) I've found that therapy, even if it doesn't fix anything, has really helped me accept myself and my pain and feelings. Which has made more of a difference in how I feel than I ever realized.

I hope that your first appointment goes very well and you love the therapist. Thinking of you always <3

Rebecca said...

I've heard it said that IF is like mourning that you can never move forward from. Normally time helps heal and give you perspective on the loss. With IF, every single month we are reminded over and over again of the loss of our plans, our predicted future, our desires. (With hormones, too!). And, as time moves on, the "window" gets smaller which seems to bring more pain. It doesn't get easier, it seems to get harder.

I hope that you find someone you can talk to and find some comfort in your decision and where you go from here, wherever that is.

No matter what, we love you and are here for you.

Rita said...

I hope that therapy puts you on the path towards healing and putting back the pieces of your life. I thought Jin's mosaic analogy was perfect. ((hugs))

P.S. You are NOT a headcase. You're just a woman who's been through more than anyone should have to deal with.

womb for improvement said...

Do you know what would be worse? Not admitting how much infertility ravages us.

TheFertilityBlogs said...

I'm ot sure that using a puzzle is a good analogy for life. If that were the case, not one person in the universe would have a finished one. Pieces would always be missing for one reason or another.

I think.....and this is just me...that life is a journey. You can take lots of different roads to get to where you are going. You can choose one road over another. And you can also get stock at a roadblock and detour.

Infertility is one of those roadblocks/detours. No one chooses that path....it's just THERE in your face.

A therapist is an AWESOME thing to do for yourself. Go for it!!!! I hope you get great things from it :)

Hugs!

Elizabeth said...

I hope that you're able to put the pieces back together. I feel like I'm on an emotional seesaw all the time these days. I go from being okay with my infertility to the other extreme too. I find the hardest thing is to know I have no control. I wish we could. ((hugs))

waiting and wishing said...

Thinking of you! I hope peace and joy are able to creep back into your life a little more each day.

Danielle said...

Yes, girl. Yes. Thinking of you...

Dawn said...

I think it's natural to grieve the loss of thinking that you'll be able to conceive a baby the way you thought you would be able to. It just doesn't seem fair that so many good couples have to pay for the shot of having a baby. To go through all of this makes us different people.

I hope that your therapist can help you navigate through what you are feeling right now. All of your emotions are valid. Don't ever think that your a headcase because of what you are feeling.

You are such an amazing woman and it breaks my heart that you are going through so much pain.

Thinking of you!

P.s. I was really tempted to throw my stapler at the girl I sit next to today, believe me!

JC said...

I'm so sorry Katie. I think it's good you found someone to talk to. I hope you like her and things work out. Thinking of you. ((hugs))

S.I.F. said...

My heart is breaking for you Katie. I just hate that it's come to this.

On another note, I've been thinking a lot about seeing someone too. I just don't think I'm processing this failed round right at all, and it sucks. I hate having to ask for help too, but I think that's where I'm at as well... and you couldn't pay me $1000 to talk to a man.

No Baby Ruth said...

I just want to tell you I think that seeing a therapist and, even more so, admitting that perhaps you aren't ready for the next step just yet is a sign of your bravery. It is easy to get wrapped up in the process and just plod along putting one foot in front of the other. It's far harder to take back the reins and really decide where you want to go from here. So for that I admire you. I am certain that seeing an expert will bring you some relief. Good luck!!

Adele said...

I think it's a great thing that you are going to see a therapist. It is not a sign of weakness but of strength, and a way of saying: Enough. I need to start figuring this out.

I started seeing one lately myself and it's been good. I didn't expect an overnight improvement in how I felt but it has been such a relief to unburden myself for a little while every week. As you say, it's like a puzzle. But the puzzle is constantly changing, and if there are pieces missing then there will, surely, be pieces which will take their place. I think this is a good, good thing you have done for yourself.

Stefanie Blakely said...

I think that talking to someone who is trained to help you sort out your feelings is such a great idea-- you are going through so much, feeling so much, wanting so much right now... It will feel good to connect with someone who can validate all of your feelings
(other than all of us!!!).

Crossed Fingers said...

Seeing a therapist does not make you a headcase. It makes you smart and willing to heal. Sometimes writing things down helps sort things out, sometimes speaking them out loud helps sort them out. You'll have the best of both worlds.

Any pieces that are missing always have the option of being filled with new, better, more exciting pieces you never would have thought of before.

The future holds many possibilities.

PCOSChick said...

I know sometimes it is hard to admit it is good for you to get help...I applaud you for being brave & doing it! Whatever you need to do to heal & is right for you is great & it's good you are taking those steps. You are an amazing woman!

Kelly said...

Katie, I'm glad that you found a therapist. Please let me know how it goes. You aren't a head case. I know deep down that you know that, but I had to say it again. (((HUGS)))

Waiting Lisa said...

I hope your appointment went well. <3