Joey and I made a big decision this weekend. It is a decision that may or may not change the rest of our lives forever.
We are not going to pursue IVF, at least not in the near future.
As difficult as this is to write, I need to put down my thoughts. I need to find some way to spew all of the emotions that I've been trying to sort through and put them into coherent sentences.
The truth is, I've been feeling less and less excited about the possibility of IVF over the last few weeks. This weekend I finally admitted to Joey that I just don't know if I'm ready for this. IVF is a huge gamble. By gamble, I don't necessarily mean financially. I mean with my heart. My heart is broken.
After more than two years and four IUIs, I (as a person) am broken.
This break has given me the chance to sort out these feelings and begin to accept the fact that I may never be a mom. It hurts so much, but I think going through IVF and possibly coming out on the other side with no baby would hurt ten times worse. At this point, I fear that a failed IVF might push me to the point of no return. I can't handle that now or anytime soon. Infertility has already changed me in so many ways. It's taken a long time and a lot of work to get to the point I am at now: where I am not angry every single day, where I can attend a baby shower or event every once in a while without having a complete mental breakdown, where I can genuinely smile as a person talks about their pregnancy or baby. I think about what I would be like if we did this and it didn't work, and it's impossible to bear. Recovery from that would take a long, long time.
It might sound selfish, but I need to put my health first--mental and physical. It's not just about my emotions. It's about my body. Physically, I'm exhausted, and I'm not well. Acupuncture is helping, but I think it's going to take time for me to feel normal again. My body is not a good place for a baby right now, which is probably part of the reason why we can't get pregnant. Deep in the back of my mind, I keep thinking, "What if this new lump in my breast just doesn't go away and I need another surgery? Is it really smart to keep going through fertility treatments when this keeps happening?" I know the risks. I know they are low, but they are still there. And with my family history and what's gone on in my own body over the past two years, I fear that I might be pushing my limits right now. Spending the last few months without hormones or drugs in my body has felt incredibly liberating. I want to keep feeling this way.
And we need time as a couple. Our marriage is not in trouble by any means, but I miss being just us: a couple who does not have to save every penny and stress every detail about baby-making procedures that, time after time, leave us disappointed. We need to live for a while. It doesn't mean we won't try naturally, and I'll continue to see my acupuncturist. But it just means that IVF is off the table at this point in our journey. As for adoption, that's really not on our radar right now, either. It may never be. I don't know. My goal is to take things one at a time.
I hurt. Like hell, I hurt. The pain that I feel at this very moment is impossible to put into words. I feel as if something died, and in a way something did. I would be lying if I said that this didn't kill a part of me, if I said that admitting this made everything better. But I would also be lying if I didn't admit to myself and everyone else that I can't do this right now.
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."