Tuesday, July 6, 2010

magic, in a young girl's heart

Fireworks bring out something magical in my soul.

A little over three years ago, in late June of 2007, Joey and I ventured to Disney to enjoy one last day at the parks before our big move to Nashville. On that hot, sunny, summer day, he got down on one knee in front of Cinderella's castle at the Magic Kingdom and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. Other than our wedding day, the day he proposed was the most incredible day of my whole life. We celebrated our engagement with dinner and drinks at EPCOT and went back to the Magic Kingdom to watch the fireworks.

As the lights in the park went off and Tinkerbell "flew" down from the castle window to start the show, tears filled my eyes. That night, it felt as if the fireworks were just for us--a symbol of everything we were and everything we had yet to become: a symbol of hope for the future and a symbol that dreams, no matter what size, could still come true.

Over the last two years, I watched our dreams slowly become a distant memory with every negative pee stick and beta of zero. I felt stuck in the morning after: where dreams are just for fairy tales and where nothing will ever quite be the same.

I don't know that I will ever get back that incredible feeling I had after our engagement. It's still a warm memory in my heart, but it's unreasonable to go back to feeling as if anything is possible. I'm a different person than I was three years ago. I've grown up. Infertility has changed me for both the good and the bad. The fireworks that lived within my heart for 22 years slowly faded into the black hole of emptiness as cycle after cycle failed and as treatment after treatment proved unsuccessful.

This weekend, on July 4, we drove out to the beach. As I watched the fireworks light up the rainy, black sky, I couldn't help but feel at though this was a symbol of my renewed hope and confidence. Yes, the hole is still there. Yes, my heart is still crying on the inside, and sometimes the outside. But the fireworks are alive. Perhaps they were there all along and the clouds kept them hidden . . . or maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough to find them. Regardless of where they went, they've returned--and I truly hope that they stick around for a long, long time. Because my biggest fear next to never having children is never having magic inside of me again.

Because if this last-ditch effort fails, I'm terrified of living the rest of my life in that magic-less, rainy, black night.

25 comments:

Hayley said...

I'm so happy the fireworks are back! I hope acupuncture is going well. I love you guys!

Crossed Fingers said...

*hugs* I'm glad you were able to get the reminder this weekend with the fireworks. Remember how happy life with Joey made you - you are living THAT dream right now. Keep on dreaming and keep the magic - life is full of surprises of all sorts.

Trisha said...

I think the "magic" is inside, we just have to learn to "unleash" it again! Sometimes we get caught up so much in the "what if's" that the possibilities of today pass us by and we end up in that dark place. Many prayers for you that you will feel and see that light renewed soon!

Kakunaa said...

Oh, sweetie...I don't know what to say... hang in there as best you can. I know the feeling. HUGS.

Michelle said...

Beautiful & honest post. You will find that warmth again.

jensays said...

i hate how the older we get and the more we have to face reality, the more angry we become.

(what would jen do)

Rach said...

I'm the same way. We were so on top of the world on our engagement and wedding day. How'd did things go so south! I hope that sense of magic returns for us as well.

Rebecca said...

The magic is there somewhere. I hope we can all find it again. That really is a great description of how dark and empty IF makes you feel. But, it is there somewhere.

You've got me singing about magic this morning and that can only be a good start! :)

Kandid Kelli said...

OMG Im crying over here! Youre such a beautiful writer! I am so glad you got you're fireworks back. You deserve the GRAND FINALE TYPE OF FIREWORKS!!!

XO
-K

Basic Girl said...

I'm so glad you got that reminder this weekend, and I'm hoping the fireworks stick around and the huge finale is just around the corner!!

Stephanie said...

Growing up stinks sometimes huh?! I'm in a place right now where I'm longing for the simple days of being younger and more carefree. But this phase too shall pass and I know it. You'll get your magic back, I know it. And when you're feeling down and sad and magicless, go snuggle on Dani. Seriously, she'll make it all better.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

Oh Katie. I'm sorry you're feeling down. They say "don't dream your life, live your dream", but with IF, well, that's damn hard. I hope the fireworks in your life stay around!

AplusB said...

I'm glad you found the fireworks and hope they stick around this time!

Alex said...

Beautiful post. I also worry about what my life will look like if I don't have kids. And the magic - that's a great word. I want the magic of kids in my life...

Ashley said...

What a beautiful post!

erika said...

Beautifully written.
I am so very sure the magic is still there for you, Katie! it might seem distant right now but that might be just the very essence of it: it is still there somewhere hidden when we would be almost ready to give up on it!
Your fairytale will come true, Katie!!!

Kelly said...

(((HUGS))), Katie

Sara said...

Sometimes the fireworks have to be hidden behind the clouds to remind us of how much we value them. Glad to hear the fireworks are back for you! :) ((((hugs))))

AL said...

Such a sweet engagement story :-).

I'm so glad that the fireworks and the sparks of hope are back for you.

Willow said...

Aww, great engagement story! When we started TTC, we took a babymaking vacation to Disney World. And even though that clearly didn't work out as planned, it will always be a magical place to us.

I know what you meaning about fearing a loss of that sense of joy and wonder in life that used to come so naturally. Not like I'm exactly on the other side of IF yet, but since we adopted Bonsai I have found so much happiness and magic in watching him...so know it is still waiting for you out there, wherever your journey takes you. Bring on the fireworks!

S.I.F. said...

I was just talking to my dad about my fear that if this cycle fails, I will never recover. I know exactly what you are saying in your last few sentences there... It is terrifying.

But I love that you are finding hope again and enjoying those fireworks, because you deserve them. Because you both do!

Arlyne said...

you will never lose your magic, because I don't think that Joey will let you!

I'm so glad you found it again & hope it sticks with you for a long time! Remember, you are so loved! (((HUGS)))

suchagoodegg said...

I love how hope shines through. Love. Love. Love. Keep your chin up Katie. There ARE more fireworks around the bend for you. I believe it with all of my heart. xo

Just Me...C said...

(((Hugs)))

You are such an amazing writer. Thanks for sharing yet another brilliant post.

Adele said...

The magic is still there. It's just a bit dented (but the important thing: it's still there.)