Monday, July 26, 2010

let me break on down

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to release my emotions about our infertility.

I still wonder the same things. I still have the same questions. I sense anger and sadness, but it's not the same. My feelings seem to be swimming around inside of me in circles, not growing or getting smaller. Just being.

Have I become numb?

Part of me thinks that I have in all aspects of my life. As more things seem to pile on--Joey's uncle dying, the situation with our neighbor, more shit breaking in the house, uncertainty at work, Joey's sister having cancer, my insurance company no longer considering my RE to be "in network" because he's affiliated with a certain hospital, etc.--the more upset I should get, right? Emotions should have overflowed by now. I'm usually great at expressing them: crying, blogging, screaming. But lately? Nothing. There's nothing there, especially when it relates to infertility. 

Maybe I'm finally learning how to truly give up control. Maybe this is my mind and my body coming together and realizing that no, there is nothing I can do about anything anymore. I can't control life. I can't control my body. I can't control the slutty girls from high school who pop out children like they are going out of style. I can't control the asinine journalists who write "articles" about infertility which further perpetuate stereotypes and set back YEARS of advocacy and awareness. I can't control the people who, when I tell them I am going to do IVF, ask me if I am going to end up like Octo Mom (refer to previous point). I can't control being 70 years old, shitting my pants, with no daughter or son to take care of me. I can't control people not understanding or not caring or not being there for me.

Perhaps this is it. Perhaps I'm having the epiphany to end all epiphanies.

Or maybe I've just finally gone off of the proverbial deep end. Maybe I'm realizing that I'm no closer to being a mom now than I was over two years ago.

Maybe part of me is giving up.

38 comments:

Crossed Fingers said...

Or maybe your heart is trying to protect itself. You have a LOT on your plate right now and that's enough to send anyone into a tailspin.

Tackle one thing at a time, if you cannot change it, decide if you want to live with it and if not, what you are going to do to change it.

I have decided people don't understand struggles with TTC or IF unless they've been there. They can't. You do get the few people who know the right things to say but most of the time people feel the need to "fix" your problem by spouting off what they think is comfort and advice.

Sending lots of hugs.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I can relate to this post very well. It's just we are spinning too many plates right now and at some point, our emotions just shut down so we can live our day to day. I think. Some days I also feel I've given up. It's so hard with IF, to feel like no amount of time brings you any closer to your goal. It just adds on more pain, it feels like. Thinking of you...

Jem said...

I'm right there with you, sister! When the crap keeps piling up, it just get's progressively worse and more and more discouraging.

I'm not going to tell you to "buck up" or "hang in there." Only thing I can say is: "You are not alone."

Littlest True Blue said...

Hang in there sweetie! You are a tough cookie and coping as best you can. Stay strong and you have every right to feel bogged down with this rollercoaster!
LTB

serenity said...

I was thinking the same thing Crossed Fingers said. That maybe you're just protecting yourself.

For me at least, I found that I got to a certain point with our IF that I was just sort of numb. What it was, though, was that I didn't really have the energy to emote as much. Getting angry or upset didn't change anything, you know?

You have a lot on your plate. Just breathing through it all and taking steps forward is a big deal.

Hugs, sweetie.

xxx

someday-soon said...

Sometimes I think our mind and hearts have a way of only letting us deal with the amount of shit we're capable of at the moment. You have so much going on maybe all you can do is put one foot in front of the other {{{HUGS}}}

T said...

Oh Katie, this rollercoaster we have found ourselves on is just not fair is it? I don't think you have given up at all. Maybe let go of some of the burden and anxiety, but I could never imagine your heart will let this go.

I agree with the other ladies. I think your head is just at a point where it wants to protect your heart.

Can I make a pact with you? A pact to someone that I have never met, but feel she knows everything I am feeling? If...and I mean IF because I feel that someday you will be a mother...but IF you find yourself 70 with no children and you have shit in your pants...I will be there for you. Wow, does that sound as creepy to you as it just did to me? I could delete it, but I just really want to make u smile right now. I hope that it worked.

Josey said...

Giving up control is not the same as giving up hope! Hang in there!!

Rebecca said...

I think sometimes when the worst things just keep happening over and over again it becomes impossible not to just become numb to all of it.

But know that, no matter what, we're here for you and we understand.

Dawn said...

I aggree with the previous comments that you have so much going on that your heart is protecting itself. I think you are incredibly strong to be handeling all of the things in your life right now.

Sending you lots of hugs!

ifcrossroads said...

I will agree with some of the previous posters that maybe this is your hearts way of protecting itself right now. You cannot be "on" every second of every day with your emotions at full throttle ... it's not mentally healthy or possible. And with IF, it never leaves your mind and there is no wonder you get to this point where you want to take your brain out of your skull, set it on the kitchen counter and just WALK AWAY.
Infertility is a fucking shit storm. And because you have to not only deal with IF but everything else that happens in life, you are forced to have 10 balls in the air at any one given time. And all of those balls are really important balls so how the hell are you supposed to competently juggle them all? It's impossible, you can't, not without breaking down.
Just know you are not alone. But don't turn off your emotions for too long because you don't want to bottle them up and explode. Keep blogging and writing through them to process everything. And block everyone else out ... especially the fucking morons who ask if you're going to end up like Octomom. I used to want to punch those people in the throat. Still do when people ask if "I'm sure that there is only one in there." Ignorant assholes.

Adele said...

I'm sorry. It sounds like you have so much that you are dealing with right now, on top of the fatigue of trying. And that in itself is enough to lay even the strongest girl flat:(

determineddory said...

I think it's normal for our emotions to go through periods where they seem to not be as intense. Think of it like adrenaline - when we first get bad news, we feel lots of intense emotions all at once. But as you acclimate to the situation, your feelings level off again and become more manageable. I definitely think that our hearts know how much we can take and go numb a little bit so that we can survive the situation. Just don't give up hope.

Marla said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so beaten down by the roller coaster ride that is IF. :( I wish there was an easy cure-all for this nasty affliction. But you're doing the best you can. Hang in there! *hugs*

Rita said...

Katie, you have soooo much going on right now, no would would blame you for shutting down. There's only so much shit one person can handle. I guess at some point you're going to have to let it all out again or else you're going to explode, but that doesn't have to happen today, tomorrow or the next day. You'll know when you're ready.

Please ignore all of the ignorant assholes who make Octomom comments. None of those people have two brain cells to rub together. You are the one with the information, knowledge, and research necessary to make educated decisions--NOT them.

I don't think you've given up hope--you're just doing your best with the shittiness you've been given. I think most people would have crumbled long ago while you've remained standing strong.

*hugs*

AplusB said...

You're dealing with so much right now, and you are doing the very best you can! Hang in there - I have faith that everything will be okay in the end.

jill's infertility document said...

I'm sorry and I'm sending you a hug. You are not alone.

Kandid Kelli said...

I think you are in need of a GNO or in. A good bottle of wine, food and gossip. We will plan one at Hayls party!!

You have so much going on. I look up to you. You are so strong & classy. I wish more women had your class.

Im here if you want to scream and yell.

xo
-K

Kelly said...

You sound like me. Seriously. There are things that I should be upset about and, well, I'm not. My therapist thinks I'm just making progress. I'm wondering if it's the meds (aren't we on the same stuff?) but at any rate, I don't feel zombie-esque, so I'll take it. It's better (for me, anyway) than crying all the time.

I didn't know about your RE. What are your plans?

waiting for baby said...

:(

Danielle said...

I hate that none of this is ever easy. Thinking of you...

Kakunaa said...

I think the shutting down is your heart's way of taking a break so you don't go off the deep end...I know that feeling. I am so sorry. And what is it with the octomom comments anyway? I hate those. HUGS

wifey said...

I've gone through cycles of numb, of not caring about the things that I should. I do believe it's some sort of coping mechanism.

Good luck to you.

erika said...

I think this is just the way of coping. Signs of processing. At least that is how I am looking at it, so I can hang onto some hope.

Stephanie said...

Aww honey!!! I just want to give you a hug and then tell you I get it. Despite being so early in our treatments, I get it. I try to hold on to hope, but I just can't sometimes and thus I'm left wanting to cry, but it doesn't come. And I use to be a marathon cryer ;) The hubs doesn't get my emotionless self, but its not about giving up, its about protecting. I hope things go well for us, but I can't be too optimistic or else I'll end up heartbroken and beaten down. Its a long road and hard burden to carry. But I get you and so many others do too! Perhaps we can all meet up in real life when we're 80 and potentially have no one else ;)

DC Running Mama said...

I think sometimes we get to a point where we realize that we can expend all of our energy and emotion, with little effect. We can cry, scream, gnash our teeth, hate the world and all the fertiles in it, beat ourselves up, etc., with no changed end effect. You are in a good place. You are in a place of release.

(Been reading you for a while. Have my own infertility blog, but it's private. Email me if you want to read dcrunningmamablog@gmail.com). I'm starting my 2nd IVF meds today!

Waiting Lisa said...

I've been thinking of you. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Breathe Gently said...

I'm commenting here for the first time to just say that my own heart is going out to you - you're suffering in a way that only a small percent of people can understand, and that's so difficult to try and explain.

Hugs from me - not actively TTC yet, but already with fertility issues, thanks to PCOS.

AL said...

I can so relate to this post. I go through periods of being completely numb, to incredibly upset, and then somewhat hopeful, and then feeling completely hopeless.

I have no wise words to share - just want to let you know you're not alone in these feelings. I'm here for you.

Kim said...

Unfortunately this post resonates with me to well. I feel kind of numb about IF- my dissappointment is gone, (or stuffed deep down inside) and my enthusiasm is gone as well. I don't find myself getting excited anymore. I am quicker to discount "symtpoms" than I have ever been. I suppose it's only logical to feel this way after years of spinning your wheels. The song Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd is playing in my mind as I type this.

Some days are better than others. And so we just keep moving on, living our lives knowing they are inevitably going to change one way or another. We are here by your side, along the way.
xoxoxox

suchagoodegg said...

I go into that numb place sometimes, too....I think, for me, it's 100% a coping mechanism. It sucks this is what we do to our hearts and minds in order to get through the months/weeks/days/hours/minutes and even seconds. Thinking of you my friend. xo

Erin said...

I think it's totally normal to be numb sometimes. Your heart just needs to protect itself from all that is going on.

conceptionallychallenged said...

Maybe your emotions need a break, too. As so many others have said, sometimes we need to protect our hearts, our feelings.
Thinking of you, and hoping that the sun will shine brighter again soon.

KZ said...

It’s not becoming numb, but accepting that you have no control over. You said it very well in your post, you cannot control even getting old. "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Cambell. I have been reading this quote every day for 4 years. Not until April of this year did it FINALLY hit me, to let go and let God. And when I did, everything turned around and life was so much easier. You are on your way now!

Jessica said...

I think that the hope comes and goes but the frustration and sadness is always there.

I have done everything in my power to become a mother and I am STILL childless after 2 years...so my mind understands I don't have control over this situation but my heart is having a hard time getting on board.

You are strong but you have so much on your plate right now...so it is ok to feel overwhelmed.

Thinking of you!!!

waiting and wishing said...

Such a great post. Thanks for sharing your heart!

Hayley said...

I agree with everyone else. I think your heart is protecting itself.

I think this calls for some Yuengling in a can this weekend. Love you.

Erica said...

Numb is the perfect word. It is hard to go month after month and year after year struggling with IF. I am also saving up my $ for IVF next year.
ICLW#40
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