Saturday, June 12, 2010

training wheels

I have a confession: I love hip-hop music. Go ahead and laugh. Everyone has guilty pleasures, and this is one of mine. I enjoy the older songs (and by older, I mean 90s and early 2000s), and there are a couple of stations here that play old songs mixed in with the new. One in particular has an intro it plays before each throwback: 

Taking it back to the old school. 

This phrase has been stuck in my head all week, probably because it sums up the trying to conceive aspect of my life right now. We are right back where we started: trying, but not.

Jess posted recently about IFers never being truly happy or content unless they are actively trying. And by actively trying, I mean charting, temping, peeing, injecting, swallowing pills, getting wanded, getting blood draws, getting inseminated, etc. etc. This statement couldn't be more true for me. I can honestly say that I feel lost going from regular monitoring to absolutely nothing. It's a strange adjustment. Almost overnight, I went from knowing exactly what my body was doing to knowing nothing at all.

In some ways, it feels like regression--like putting the training wheels back on your bike after you've been riding on two wheels for so long. How do I learn how to let go again, at least for the time being when we are not pursuing treatments? How do I go back to the beginning when I am so far down this path? Every day feels like an identity crisis. I am not at the starting line of this journey. I am not the hopeful and eager woman I once was. I am not the woman who stocked her bathroom cabinets with home pregnancy tests and thought of who I would give my leftovers to after I got my positive. I am not the woman who took her temperature every morning, hoping to see a big rise at the end of her two-week wait.

Sometimes, being back here gives me this horrific sense of failure. Why didn't things work out with our IUIs? Why didn't timed intercourse just work? Why don't we just take out a $15,000 loan and do this now? Other times, it gives me a sense of relief--a peace that I know my mind and my body so desperately need.

It's not easy going back to the old school. Going back brings on so many memories I thought I had forgotten. But I hope that going back will only help us move forward.

22 comments:

Hayley said...

I hope going old school helps you and Joey. And, I wish I knew what else to say.

I love your new layout, btw.

Kim said...

I know it feels like your digressing, but in reality you are taking the training wheels off and cruising on your own now, even if only for the time being. Allowing your body to just be, to do its own thing without support from anything external. I can understand feeling lost but I do hope in time you find yourself again, and really are able to enjoy the freedom of unmonitored cycles. Because this is temporary and when you and your body are ready you will be back on board. So if it helps, consider it part of your journey. Like rest at night, we need to recharge sometimes or else we would just crash. Give your body some much needed TLC and feel proud and good for nourishing it.

All the tests, temping and appointments become so consuming that it becomes our lives, sadly. Enjoy this time as much as you can!

xoxoxoxoxox

Kandid Kelli said...

I agree w.both Hayley & Kim. I don't know what else to say w.out sounding like a broken record.

Are you still going to acupuncture today? If so good luck!

xo
-K

Alice said...

I know it's tough and it can sometimes feel like you're "not doing anything". But, YOU ARE. A break provides its own set of benefits and I hope you can enjoy it as much as feasible.

And, I like hip-hop too :)

Jessica said...

Whoomp! There It Is!!!
I love hip hop music too!!!

Rach said...

Another hip hop lover here!!

We waited 4 months before doing IVF and I found the time off very helpful. I felt we got back to where we were before TTC. But I understand wanting to get started.

Crossed Fingers said...

*hugs* I hear your pain and yet I feel your sense of hope that maybe...something different might happen this go around. Maybe it will. Maybe the break will work - maybe you won't need to end up spending $ on IVF.

I hope though that no matter what path it takes - you do end up with a sticky BFP and a healthy baby or babies. You have traveled the long, hard road and you deserve to reach the finish line.

Just know that we're always here for you no matter what.

Arlyne said...

I think your break will do you a lot of good physically & emotionally. I actually wasn't unhappy not trying, I felt liberated & didn't feel like I failed, because you can't fail, if you're not REALLY trying.

I hope you find some peace during this time & enjoy being med free. I'm always here for you, supporting you every step of the way! Giant (((HUGS))) to you & Joey!

xoxoxo

Jem said...

OMG, you are so right! I'm like you, I have to be DOING something. I just did my first injections for IVF#2 last night and, despite the pain, was very happy to be progressing.

ifcrossroads said...

When I had to wait the 4 months for my LAP because of surgery scheduling, I felt like I was "wasting" time. I knew the chances of getting knocked up naturally were slim to none, and I just wanted time to go by as fast as it could. The waiting sucked. But, I will say, at around month 2 1/2-3 I started to feel at peace with the waiting. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel but I knew that everything was out of my control.
Anyway, do it old school style and I like what Arlyne said - you really can't fail if you're not trying, right?

Kelly said...

Going back is going to help you move forward. You and Joey will get there and will get there stronger. I don't know what the future holds for you, but you are a strong woman who can do this.

I know how difficult this is for you and not knowing the answers is the worst part. You do have one big answer though and that's your love for Joey and your desire to be parents. Someday, somehow, you'll get there.

Dawn said...

I hope the time off treats you well!

Jen said...

I also like the comment that you can't really fail if you're not really trying, right?! I'm sure that mentality is much easier said than done, but hopefully the mental break will be helpful for you.

Trisha said...

Thank you so much for the welcome! I look forward to joining you on your journey as well! The waiting times are always the hardest! Hang in there!

S.I.F. said...

Just try to enjoy this breather for whatever you can lady... It must feel so weird because it is such a change of mindset, but you'll need plenty of energy when it is time to go back to IVF... so look at this as an IF vacation! :)

Secret Sloper said...

These in-between moments force us to consider how far we've come and how much we've been through, which can be uncomfortable. But I think these moments also allow us to grow and recognize all the hard emotional work we've been doing.

You are going to reach your dream. I wish that it didn't have to be so hard, but I know you will take all these difficult times and become the very best mother you can be.

Basic Girl said...

I can only imagine the change is a major adjustment. But I do feel like going back will help you move forward, and when that time comes you'll know you're ready. I hope you can enjoy this break in the meantime, and we'll be here the whole time rooting for you!!

Jennifer said...

I totally agree with you about the not doing anything feeling weird. I was just thinking today I should put my thermometer "away" somewhere since I haven't been using it...but I haven't put it away. I hope you get some peace and some time to just "Jump around, jump up jump up and get down" :)

AplusB said...

I've had a hard time with breaks, but I think I'll need one after our last IUI before IVF. It's a big step and I think we need to mentally and physically prepare, especially after a series of fairly intense treatments. But I don't think it makes the waiting any easier.

A said...

I think going back to the old school us has helped immensely. Maybe not in the babymaking dept, but just in the happiness of mind dept. And not that I think that will necessarily bring us our baby, but it has been one great happy month, for sure. And it feels awesome B-)

Waiting Lisa said...

I am sorry you have to wait before IVF. It's so unfair that money stands in between us and our children.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

It must be a hard transition. I like the "if you're not trying you can't fail" approach. I hope that, over time, it will feel more like a break to relax for your body and mind, and not like something you have to wait out.