I have a confession: I love hip-hop music. Go ahead and laugh. Everyone has guilty pleasures, and this is one of mine. I enjoy the older songs (and by older, I mean 90s and early 2000s), and there are a couple of stations here that play old songs mixed in with the new. One in particular has an intro it plays before each throwback:
Taking it back to the old school.
This phrase has been stuck in my head all week, probably because it sums up the trying to conceive aspect of my life right now. We are right back where we started: trying, but not.
Jess posted recently about IFers never being truly happy or content unless they are actively trying. And by actively trying, I mean charting, temping, peeing, injecting, swallowing pills, getting wanded, getting blood draws, getting inseminated, etc. etc. This statement couldn't be more true for me. I can honestly say that I feel lost going from regular monitoring to absolutely nothing. It's a strange adjustment. Almost overnight, I went from knowing exactly what my body was doing to knowing nothing at all.
In some ways, it feels like regression--like putting the training wheels back on your bike after you've been riding on two wheels for so long. How do I learn how to let go again, at least for the time being when we are not pursuing treatments? How do I go back to the beginning when I am so far down this path? Every day feels like an identity crisis. I am not at the starting line of this journey. I am not the hopeful and eager woman I once was. I am not the woman who stocked her bathroom cabinets with home pregnancy tests and thought of who I would give my leftovers to after I got my positive. I am not the woman who took her temperature every morning, hoping to see a big rise at the end of her two-week wait.
Sometimes, being back here gives me this horrific sense of failure. Why didn't things work out with our IUIs? Why didn't timed intercourse just work? Why don't we just take out a $15,000 loan and do this now? Other times, it gives me a sense of relief--a peace that I know my mind and my body so desperately need.
It's not easy going back to the old school. Going back brings on so many memories I thought I had forgotten. But I hope that going back will only help us move forward.